Speak Unto Me by Angela Theresa Egic (best detective novels of all time txt) 📕

CHRISTINE
. . . I’m a cop, not an actress; this isn‘t freaking Broadway! . . .125th STREET and Broadway…Yeah

.

[Christine continues to argue on the cell phone (silent to the audience).]

JESUS
(holding the phone away from his ear)
I think it‘s time, she‘s about to . . .Of course, I have to! You know I’m the Messiah, right

?!

Christine strips off clothes to reveal sexy clothing [fishnets, short shorts, low-cut shirt], she puts her shoes on while still on the phone. Dressed, as a hooker, she walks like a guy!

CHRISTINE
Fine, how’s this?!
(she poses awkwardly)
Is surveillance getting a good look

?!

[Offstage: WHOOPING AND WHISTISLING (construction workers).]

CHRISTINE
Jesus Christ

!

[Jesus turns and looks at Christine. He ends the call. It rings [tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”]

JESUS
God! It never ends . . .!
(answers)
Hello Mom!, er, Blessed Mother . . . I’m sorry, yes, I remember . . .everlasting life…it’s just a figure of speech . . . Bless you, Mother

.

[He hangs up and looks at Christine. Christine has hung up and is trying to get into (hooker) character. She is obviously uncomfortable in the heels and clothing. Christine talks out loud as she is wired.]

CHRISTINE
Yes, clear . . .I can hear you.
(side glances Jesus).

[Christine walks awkwardly and tries to wiggle her hips sexily. Jesus observes and holds back a laugh. Christine falls down.]

CHRISTINE
What the fuck?
(looking up)
Oh, sorry, Lord

.

[Jesus is happily grinning above her.]

JESUS
It’s all right, I’m right here. You’re forgiven. Cursing isn’t really a sin. (holding out his hand) Can I help you up?

[Jesus puts his hand out to help Christine up. A shock runs through them, she lets go fast as she gets to her feet, steps away from Jesus.]

JESUS
Oh, sorry, I should’ve warned you about that. . . Reverb. . . Universal energy has a reverb quality?

[Christine stares at Jesus, blankly!]

JESUS
You’re confused, Christine. I’m here for you.
(beat)
You know . . . it’s shocking to humans, well; former human‘s

.

[Christine whispers into her wireless.]

CHRISTINE
I think the perp has made contact, be on alert.
(whispering to wireless)
We need a 5150…hotline to Belleview.

JESUS
Now, now, Officer Christine Tomei…You must understand

…

[She gives Jesus a dirty look, rushes him and he puts up his hand; she gets frozen in place.]

CHRISTINE
Hey! What are you doing?
(toward wireless)
Guys! NOW!

JESUS
The guys can’t help you now

.

[She falls to the ground.]

CHRISTINE
I’ve . . .been shot?

JESUS
Yeah, and killed . . .well, physically. You will feel a little weak.

CHRISTINE
Jesus? Our Lord and savior, I assume?

JESUS
I guess not such a savior . . .you died.

CHRISTINE
Yeah! Hey! What is that about?

JESUS
(looking up)
See? What did I tell you!

CHRISTINE
No, no. . .you’ve drugged me. I’m dreaming, my purse . . .there it is

.

[She grabs her purse and reaches in, frantically searching for something.]

JESUS
What are you looking for?

CHRISTINE
Jesus!

JESUS
No, I’m right here . . . I wouldn’t fit in there.

CHRISTINE
Very funny, asshole! No, I’m looking for my badge and gun.

JESUS
Oh yeah, those. . . you won’t find them in there, or, here, for that matter.

CHRISTINE
Okay, what do you want?

JESUS
To be understood, finally!

CHRISTINE
Aha! So, you’re not Jesus.

JESUS
No, I am.

CHRISTINE
Can you prove it? Give me miracles . . . bring me back to life. Look, you only had 32 years . . .

JESUS
Yeah, and see how it ended?!
(upward)
Why must we keep bringing that up?!

CHRISTINE
Maybe you can send me back for another 32, at least . . . and make sure I don’t die . . .so . .. so . . . tragically

?

[Jesus dials his cell phone and turns away from Christine.]

JESUS
You‘re a cop!
(into phone)
Hey, Death, how’s it going?. . . Really, two today…Sorry to hear that. . .. Question about death detail . . . Reanimation? Possible? . . . Hmmm . . .

CHRISTINE
Hey, give me a chance, I’ll quit the police force. I’ll become a rock star. It was my dream during high school

.

[He hangs up and goes back to Christine.]

JESUS
There may be some brain damage.

CHRISTINE
Hmmm . . .okay, I’ll take my chances, I can‘t be worse off than Amy Winehouse.
(beat)
Before I head back, I do have a question or two. Is there a devil?

JESUS
Only human forms . . . Hitler, for one. Anne Coulter.

CHRISTINE
The obvious one’s, then, like Bin Laden?
(beat)
What about Charlie Sheen and all those…you know, prostitutes, pimps and scam artists?

JESUS
Sex is not evil.
(beat)
It can be wicked, though

…

[The both seem to getting high now and complete the sentence together.]

CHRISTINE
JESUS
. . . if you do it right!

CHRISTINE
Christians, only?

JESUS
Nah! The joke is on the Christians. The Jews were right

!

[He laughs, again. Christine gives him a dirty look.]

CHRISTINE
Seriously.

JESUS
Nah! Everyone comes here!

CHRISTINE
Atheists?

JESUS
It’s hilarious when they arrive! You can imagine their surprise

.

[They both are laughing hysterically, much too much . . .it’s like they’re high.]

CHRISTINE
Oh, Keith Richards . . . what is that all about?

JESUS
Get this, he died years ago . . . it’s an alien in his place!

CHRISTINE
Ah, so there is life on other planets?!

JESUS
How else can you explain Lady Gaga?

CHRISTINE
Hey, are we high?

JESUS
Was Jim Morrison high?!
(takes a whiff)
The air is made of cannabis! Why do you think we call it Heaven?!

CHRISTINE
Smells like roses, here, though . . .

JESUS
Thank you! My idea

!

[They laugh hysterically. Jesus taps Christine on the forehead, she faints. Jesus exits. Christine awakes, right where she collapsed before.]

CHRISTINE
What? Where the fuck?!
(she sits up)
Jesus Christ

!

[Jesus comes back in, and right to Christine.]

CHRISTINE
Are you …? Sorry about saying your name in vain, like that.

JESUS
Hey, thanks for the ego boost…nice to have beautiful women screaming out my name.

CHRISTINE
I smell roses . . . and have a strange craving for munchies

!

[Jesus looks up, smiles . . .]

JESUS
Ah yes, home sweet home.

Text: © 2010 Angela Theresa Egic
Publication Date: 11-01-2011

All Rights Reserved