Analyzing Character by Arthur Newcomb (best ereader for epub .txt) 📕

SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE IN SOCIAL RELATIONS

Man's fundamental needs are food, drink, clothing, shelter, work, companionship, and rest. If one of man's fundamental needs is companionship, then he needs to know how to be successful socially. Most people deeply feel this need. One of the most frequent questions we are called upon to answer is: "How can I be a greater social success?" Social success depends upon personal attractiveness in the broadest sense of that term and upon a desire to make the most of that attractiveness. Many people have great social ambitions but, for some reason or other, are so unattractive that they are social failures. There are others who have pleasant personalities but who, because of other interests, neglect their social opportunities.

Personal attractiveness depends, first, upon the development of those elements which are pleasing to others, such as intelligence, judgment, reason, memory, sympathy, kindliness, courtesy, tactfulness, refinement, a sense of humor, decision, adaptability, self-confidence, proper personal pride, dignity, and perhaps others; second, upon a knowledge of each individual with whom one comes in contact, so that one knows best how to gain that person's favorable attention, to arouse his interest, and to give him pleasure.

Many people are shy, diffident, self-conscious, and painfully embarassed in the presence of strangers. They feel these deficiencies keenly. They long, perhaps with an intensity which the naturally self-possessed person will never know, for that social ease which they so greatly admire. Their self-consciousness, diffidence and timidity in the presence of others is very largely the result, first, of a lack of knowledge of themselves and how to make the most of their own good qualities socially; second, of a lack of knowledge of other people. It is a human trait deeply ingrained and going back to the very beginning of life to be afraid of that which we do not understand. Courage, self-confidence, and self-possession always come with complete understanding. Therefore, these timid, bashful ones may find, and many of them have found, greater social ease through a knowledge of themselves and of others, gained through a study of character analysis.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

We shall probably not be disputed when we state that, aside from religion, at least, the most momentous problem in the life of every man and woman is that of love and marriage.

Says Edward Carpenter: "That there should exist one other person in the world toward whom all openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there should be no concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, as one's own; with whom there should be no sense of Mine or Thine, in property or possession; into whose mind one's thoughts should naturally flow, as it were, to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; and between whom and one's self there should be a spontaneous rebound of sympathy in all the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such is, perhaps, one of the dearest wishes of the soul. For such a union Love must lay the foundation, but patience and gentle consideration and self-control must work unremittingly to perfect the structure. At length, each lover comes to know the complexion of the other's mind; the wants, bodily and mental; the needs; the regrets; the satisfactions of the other, almost as his or her own—and without prejudice in favor of self rather than in favor of the other; above all, both parties come to know, in course of time, and after, perhaps, some doubts and trials, that the great want, the great need, which holds them together is not going to fade away into thin air, but is going to become stronger and more indefeasible as the years go on. There falls a sweet, an irresistible trust over their relation to each other, which consecrates, as it were, the double life, making both feel that nothing can now divide; and robbing each of all desire to remain when death has, indeed (or at least in outer semblance) removed the other.

"So perfect and gracious a union—even if not always realized—is still, I say, the bona fide desire of most of those who have ever thought about such matters."

A HEAVEN ON EARTH

In such a union as the author quoted has here described men and women find life's deepest and truest joys and satisfactions. In it there is solace for every sorrow, balm for every wound, renewal of life for every weariness, comfort for every affliction, a multiplication of every joy, a doubling of every triumph, encouragement for every fond ambition, and an inspiration for every struggle. Those who are thus mated and married have found a true heaven on earth. But such a mating and such a marriage is not, as many fondly suppose, based solely upon the incident of "falling in love." If we have no other advice to give the young man or the young woman than that which has so often been given, "let your heart decide," we have, indeed, little to offer.

MARRIAGE A PRACTICAL PARTNERSHIP

The marriage relationship is not wholly, or even chiefly, a romantic and ethereal social union far above and unaffected by material and practical considerations. While this spiritual union is an essential part of every true marriage, it cannot exist unless there is also a true union upon intellectual and physical planes. Marriage is, in one sense, a business partnership. In another sense, it is an intellectual companionship, and in still another sense, it is a friendly, social relationship.

A man and a woman are, therefore, mated in the true sense of the word, not alone by a mysterious and intangible spiritual identity, but by mutual beliefs, mutual ideas and ideals, mutual or harmonious tastes, mutual physical attractiveness, and mutual respect and admiration each for the other's talents, disposition, aptitudes, and character in general. One of the reasons why there are so many unhappy marriages is because a blind instinct, which may be purely physical or purely intellectual or purely psychical, which may be a mere passing fancy, which oftentimes is based upon the flimsiest and shallowest possible knowledge of each other's characteristics, is mistaken for love. Many marriages, of course, are consummated without even the existence of an imagined love—marriages for convenience, marriages because of pique, marriages arranged by parents or others. When such a marriage is a happy one, it is, indeed, by virtue of great good fortune, a happy accident.

KNOWLEDGE THE BASIS OF CHOICE

Since a true marriage, therefore, must encircle with its golden band and harmonize all of the psychical, intellectual and physical qualities, activities and interests of two people, it follows that it must be based upon knowledge as well as intuition. He who would choose a mate must, first of all, understand himself, so that he may know what qualities will be most agreeable to him. This may seem unnecessary, but, unfortunately, it is not. Any man who will compare his youthful tastes and judgment in regard to women with his mature inclinations will see the truth.

Second, he ought to know before he reaches the point of falling in love, the disposition and character of those to whom his fancy turns. When propinquity and mere physical attraction have aroused the emotions of a young couple, the ardor of their excitement so obscures observation and judgment that any careful analysis of each other's characteristics is impossible. Even if such an analysis were possible, one could not be intelligently made by a mere observation of behavior and conversation, even under the most advantageous circumstances. As a general rule, young people associate together in their "company clothes and company manners." Every possible endeavor is made to show forth that which is considered to be most desirable and to conceal, so far as possible, that which may be undesirable. Even traits and tendencies which do manifest themselves do so under disguise, as it were, and their full seriousness is not recognized. In fact, many a young man and young woman have found the very characteristics which appeared most charming in a lover or sweetheart the ugly rock upon which marital happiness was wrecked.

"CHARMS" WHICH PROVE DEADLY

For example, many girls admire rather fast young men. But few wives find happiness with drunken, gambling, unfaithful husbands. Many young women experience a delightful thrill of interest in the young man who is inclined to be somewhat authoritative. But few wives submit with pleasure to the exactions of a domineering husband. Some young women find a gay, careless irresponsibility charming in a lover but bitterly resent having to shoulder all the burdens of financing and maintaining a home.

In a similar way, some men admire dimpled, pouting girls, but they cordially detest whimpering, whining wives. Most men are flattered by an air of helpless dependence in a sweetheart, but they soon grow tired of a wife who cannot think and act for herself and who is, perhaps, an imaginary or real invalid.

These characteristics in both men and women may be mere affectations and mannerisms, assumed for the purpose of imagined allurement and charm. Or they may be bedded deep in the character. Only a scientific knowledge of human nature will reveal the truth.

KNOWLEDGE IN MARITAL RELATIONS

No matter how truly mated a man and woman may be, life-long happiness in the marriage relation depends upon mutual understanding. Many a noble ship of matrimony has been wrecked hopelessly upon the jagged rocks of misunderstanding. Character analysis opens the eyes, reveals tendencies and motives and offers true knowledge as a guide to the making of one's self truly lovable, and the finding and bringing out in the other of lovable qualities.

An intelligent woman of thirty once said to us: "I could never get along with my father. As soon as I began to have a mind of my own, he and I clashed, notwithstanding the fact that I loved him and he idolized me. After I had married and left home, my love for him frequently drew me back under his roof for a visit. But before I had been there a week we had somehow managed to have a bitter quarrel and separated in anger. After I learned to apply the principles of character analysis, I returned home on a visit and the first thing I did was to analyze father. For the first time in my life I understood him. Since that time we have never clashed, and my visits with him are a great joy to me as well as to him."

We have in our files a sheaf of letters from both men and women telling of the regaining of a lost paradise through mutual knowledge and mutual understanding.

THE SCIENCE OF CHARACTER ANALYSIS NOT A CURE-ALL

We do not offer the science of character analysis as a panacea. We have already emphasized the fact that mere knowledge of one's true vocation is not enough for an unqualified success in it. We do not believe that character analysis alone will solve the age-long problem of capital and labor, nor do we hold forth the promise that a scientific knowledge of human nature will enable every individual who obtains it to be uniformly successful in selling, advertising, public speaking legal practice, and other forms of persuasion. The serious and intricate puzzles of social life will find no golden key which unlocks them all in the science of character analysis. The supreme problems of love, marriage, marital relations, divorce, and family life are far beyond the limited scope of character analysis for their complete solution. Human life; human efficiency; human mental, moral, and physical development; human civilization in all of its aspects,