Animal Tales by Paul Curtis (best free novels .txt) 📕

he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”


BEAR NECESSITIES

When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear

A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear

A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear


You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear

However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray

NIGHT OWL

The graceful owl
Hunts at twilight
And listens to hear
A victim in the night
Then swoops down
In silent flight
Not to prevent
Its prey taking fright
But fear of losing
What is out of sight

JIMBO

I got a new dog from Battersea
And I have called him Jimbo
I now take him to obedience classes
Where they walk us too and fro

But when he should be at heel
Jimbo almost always runs away
And then he comes bounding back
When he is supposed to sit and stay

Then when he’s walking on the lead
I have to pull young Jimbo back
Or he’s round and round my feet
Until I end up lying on my back

We’ve stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face


DOWN ON THE FARM

I stayed on my uncle’s farm for a fortnight’s holiday
And it was so wild and windy on one particular day
One chicken laid the same egg four times that day

SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

Gnats as big as Bats
Bats as big as Rats
Rats as big as Cats
Fleas as big as Bees
Bees that eat the Trees
Trees that eat the Cheese
Fly’s that eat pork Pies
Pies that wear bow Ties
Ties that tell you Lies
I see with eyes blinking
Things to get me thinking
God I must stop drinking


PANDERING

The Giant Panda
To some extent
Is the architect
Of its predicament
Its choice of habitat
And fussy diet
Contributes greatly
To its demise, I regret

PET LOVER

The Brits love pets
Some even have a few
The man on the street
And celebrities too
And even Julian Clary
Has a Cockatoo


I DO NOT LIKE THAT

As by way of a general ruling
I have made this to be my doctrine
To dislike, distrust or fear
Any creature meeting these criteria
Anything with more limbs than I
Anything that moves faster than I
Anything with scales or feathers
Anything surviving extreme weathers
Anything having more teeth than I do
Any creature covered in goo
Anything that growls and grunts
That isn’t engaged in sexual stunts
Anything with claws and talons
Anything that drools by the gallons
Anything that’s excessively hairy
Anyt creature whose eyes are starey
Anything that bites or stings
Anything that uses wings
Anything with horns or armour
Anything with an aggressive demeanour
Anything too small to see
Anything that’s bigger than me
If you think of anything I've missed
Then I will add them to the list

GOOSED

The snow geese
In a massive flock
Take flight in unison
Filling the whole sky
Like clouds of white smoke
Billowing up from unseen fires
Rippling across the sky
As far as the eye can see
Almost blocking out the sun
So begins the migration


LILLIE AND GOLDIE

In the garden little Lillie
Was digging with great Endeavour
When she was spotted by Mrs. Gish
Her very nosy neighbor

Mrs. Gish leant on the fence
And asked, “What are you doing Lillie"?
“My goldfish Goldie died
So I’m digging a hole to bury it, see”?

“You silly little girl” she replied
That hole is far too big for a goldfish
Smiling Lillie looked up and said
“Not when it’s inside your cat Mrs. Gish”

PADEMELON (SMALL WALLABY)

You’ll find the Pademelon
Beneath the rainforest trees
As they hop in search of food
In the cool of the evening breeze


THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner
A waiter took their drink order
the first said "I would like lemonade"
The second ordered orangeade
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter brought the drinks order
And then took their order for dinner.
The first said "I want a nice big steak,"
The second ordered the salad plate
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter brought the dinner order
Then later took their pudding order
The first said "I want the apple crumble"
The second ordered the sherry trifle
the third little piggy said “I want beer”
“Lots and lots and lots of beer,"

The waiter said “pardon me for asking”
“Why have you ordered beer all evening?
“Well that obvious don’t you see”
“All the way home I go wee wee wee”

MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail

TROGON

In the rain forests the Trogon dwells
Eating insects, fruit and seeds
A bird with the most lustrous plumage
Nesting in holes in the trees
Brilliant and dazzling with their long tails
A truly beautiful sight to see

IT’S THE DOGS…. ONCE AGAIN

George loved his wife Elsie dearly
They’d been married 40 years nearly
George loved her from the very first look
But sadly Elsie was a desperate cook
To her great credit it didn’t deter her
From preparing a variety of fare
One day she served something cordon bleu
Which caused George to sit and stare
It was truly awful even just to look at
Some burnt, some raw and swimming in fat
Reluctantly he took a taste of the presentation
And gave it to his dog without hesitation
Then immediately after eating some
The dog started licking at his bum
“Why is he doing that?" she said in disgust
As the dog did what all dogs must
George replied quite straight faced
“He’s trying to get rid of the taste”


WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?

"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."

"Who killed the sparrows?"
"We," said the Humans,
"With out many deftly hands,
We killed the sparrows.”

“Why kill the sparrows?"
“Because they are so small,
And don’t matter at all,
That’s why we kill the sparrows.”

"Who killed the humans?"
“Mother nature did the act,
For mans breach of contract,
Mother nature had to act”


HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters

Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning

Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture


BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors


MOUSE TALE

We have an unwanted mouse in our house
But am I permitted to kill it? No is the answer
My son suggested I leave the back door open
So it could let it self out when it was ready
My wife wants me to buy a humane trap
So I can catch it, release it, and catch it again next week
How confused we are of what animals are
We have this romantic notion of the animal kingdom
That they are just like humans but in animal form
We have endowed the beasts with human qualities
Beatrix Potter’s tales are a classic example of this
Stories spoon fed to young eager minds for decades
Mice do not live in houses, watch TV or play scrabble
It’s just a mouse, its vermin, and it’s eating my food
They have been humanised in a century of cartoons
In that undignified way we have Disney-fied them
Well we need to un-Disneyfy the creatures double quick
So I have baited my trap and I will wait for the snap
Because Mice don’t live in houses especially not in mine

THE BEAR STARE

I have a photograph
Of a magnificent Polar Bear
It was taken at one of those sea life places
The polar bear is underwater
Looking through the glass
At an inquisitive little boy
Whose face was pressed up against the glass
And you can see in the Polar Bears
Intelligent soulful eyes
As it looks at the inquisitive little boy
That he is thinking to himself
“If I could just get through this glass
I would eat you as a snack”


QUEEN OF HER DOMAIN

There she perches
Queen of her domain
Keen Eagle eyes scanning the scene
Head never still
Then in the water
A silvery glint
And she’s airborne
Gliding with silent grace
Almost aimlessly
Then with perfect timing
She strikes to take the rising fish
And with it safe in her talons
She sets off to deliver
The silver prize to her young


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Publication Date: 09-30-2010