Onlyness by Santosh Jha (red white and royal blue hardcover .txt) 📕

A young man, named Shiv, dressed in long white robe is sitting beneath him. He keeps looking at the face of the old man, as if he is trying to read something from his facial expressions. This 34-year old man is the favorite disciple of the old Acharya and an accomplished yoga master. He is tall, bright skinned and manly. However, his body has the softness and malleability, which matches his seemingly boyish face and large feminine eyes. Like a perfect yogi, he has his heart, mind and body in singular linearity of compassionate being, which makes the body-mind consciousness a beautifully poised fusion of best of both feminine and masculine elements. This is in the ideal tradition of Shiva, the transcendental yogi, the ultimate metaphor of ardhnareeshwar (half male and female).

The Acharya opens his eyes and looks affectionately at the young man, who moves close to him in anticipation of something precious that the old man may say. The Acharya however picks up a piece of paper and writes something on it. He extends the paper to the young man. Two lines are written in Sanskrit, which are essentially a shloka (couplet) from the holy book Geeta. The Krishna saying the lines to Arjuna, which means – ‘he who seeks me in whichever disposition, I meet him in the same facilitative consciousness’. The young yogi folds the paper and puts it in his pocket. He accepts the orders of his guru and shall always obey his command enshrined in the shloka. He touches the feet of the old guru and both rise up to move to the hall, where Melissa awaits them.

**

CHAPTER 2

Melissa’s mother is relieved and happy. The early morning call from Melissa extended her the reasons for it. Melissa talked well and seemed reasonably pleased with her start in India. She told her about how she liked the place and was satisfied with the beautiful small mud and wooden hut she was provided for her stay in the ashram. She assured her that she was feeling better and looked forward to making the best out of the change in her life. She sounded a bit irritated that the Acharya had excused himself from teaching her because of his poor health and instead delegated a young man to be with her for any help or, if she wishes, guide her in her learning. However, the way she described every detail about the ashram and its ambience, Melissa’s mother felt sure that she had at least come out of the groove she had plunged herself into, after her failed suicide attempt, a month back.

She is relieved that the new milieu shall help Melissa come out of her messy past and lead her to redeem her life back to the tracks. She is happy because now she can afford to take her mind away from Melissa’s woes and concentrate on her election campaign. Years back, she had accepted that Melissa had charted her life good bit away from her and she was just like a confession box to her. Melissa would never fail to post her of all her wrongs. That surely saved her life a month back.

They had never talked about it. She learnt it from tabloids that Melissa was dating this billionaire guy and was growing serious about him. She knew little about the man as she knew, America, like anywhere else, was having a deluge of young billionaires, who made it by some sudden and favorable turn of precarious markets, or the public mood for lapping up novelty, or simply inheriting a business empire. The mother and daughter had sort of, made an unwritten covenant; Melissa never talked to her about the Senator, the new man in her life and they never talked about her dad, whom her mother divorced when Melissa was only 12. She in turn never questioned any of her decisions, personal or professional. Anyway, since her teen days, Melissa would tell her straightaway, if she did something wrong or terrible. On that terrible night too, when Melissa swallowed the sleeping pills, she instinctively typed her mother a message on her mobile phone, before she slipped away. This saved her.

Once again, she discovered all facts and fiction about her daughter’s current situation from the morning newspapers. She was out of danger but still sleeping in her hospital bed. She did not have the occasion to know what made her do it. The front-page tabloid cover stories at least made it clear that the billionaire guy had dumped her for a younger girl, who was an upcoming model. Reports quoted Melissa’s unnamed friend divulging it all and alleging that Melissa had no inkling about all his and as the guy dumped her on phone late evening, Melissa could not take the sudden abandonment and the way it was handed over to her, taking the extreme step.

She had asked the doctor, who supervised Melissa in the emergency, about her condition and state of mind and what the doctor told, had made her a bit confident. The doctor was a specialist and he assured her that Melissa had not done it to end her life. It was more of an angry reaction and could have been avoided, if she had people around her at the time of the impact of the suddenness of the news. He assured her that Melissa had not lost it, she was probably more angry than deeply hurt. “She is a brilliant girl, an accomplished performer. All good actors instinctively know how to enter into the skin of a role and then come out of it clean, after the end of the shot”, the doctor said with a touch of professional tone in his voice, leaving her relaxed.

The worst was however yet to come. The crowd became unmanageable outside the hospital and the media people growingly pushed limits. The police guards inside the hospital intercepted a nurse, suspiciously moving around the special room, where Melissa was kept. She was a journalist and wanted an exclusive picture of Melissa on hospital bed. The police had tough time cordoning off the hospital gate for other patients. By evening, the tabloids had all sorts of stories to tell and suddenly, it looked like Melissa had so many friends, which the tabloids quoted as close ones, about whom even Melissa’s mother had no idea. On television, breaking news had been replaced by panel discussions on all aspects of the event; from the trend of suicide in America to the history of Hollywood splits. Everyone, from media, average people, fellow celebrities or politicians seemed to know much more about Melissa and her inside stories than her own mother.

The media had a double dose of entertainment to dish out to gossip bazaar. Melissa was still in hospital and stories about her state of being and future were top stories. However, every story had a second lead story of how Melissa’s mother was having a tough time as her daughter is doomed and her political career had received a jolt, before it could even take off. Stories carried her opposition leaders questioning the credibility of her as mother, who could not care her only daughter and was not even available at the time when her daughter needed her the most. They questioned the credibility of her abilities as leader.

Melissa’s mother was not at all worried about media and possible troubles on her political career. She was a fighter and even loved and relished her warrior attitude. Like most women, who have to face the tough world full of hypocrisies and conflicts all alone, she felt rather thrilled and happy fighting it out. Winning becomes pleasantly intoxicating and struggle to win extends the much-needed nourishment and replenishment to the subconscious pride of egoistic consciousness. The media barrage and political onslaughts had surely filled her up with excitement and she had already sketched her counter-plans in her mind. What held her back was her bewilderment with Melissa factor. She was at loss how to face Melissa and how to strike a conversation with her on the entire mess up.

She and Melissa had never been in such a situation of unsettled emotions. Melissa erred even earlier and often landed herself in some trouble but Melissa simply informed her and it was perfectly understood between them that Melissa would herself handle it. She just had to tell her that she understood and appreciated. There never was the need for either of them being emotional and in need of intimate conversation. She understood that this time around, Melissa would probably need her as a mother and not just a ‘friend’, who only received unilaterally. The later arrangement was something she was always more comfortable with, rather than being happy about it, in all these years.

Intimacy and emotional oneness with someone is toughest in relationships when it suddenly comes up as a ‘need’ and the required linkages and past precedents, to make it happen, is missing for years. She needed some quiet moments alone and space to mull over how she would perform and present herself, when Melissa would gain consciousness and she would have to face her. She weighed her words but kept shuffling with them as they failed to satisfy her. Probably silence would be a better choice, she thought but even this option looked insufficient. The trouble was that she was not sure, how Melissa would take her words, in her current state of mind. When life occasions the larger and real utility of words, their futility is the first realization. But, it is too late then. People seldom practice communication and expressions beyond the convenience of words in daily life. Words make good business; however has little utility, as carriers of deep and true emotions. Somehow, people are always happy with business of life and care a little about good utility and value of life.

Such is the cosmic construction that what one seeks desperately is what one usually gets. The nature meets him or her in a similar facilitative and catalytic consciousness. The subject’s disposition and conscious positioning creates a ‘gravitational pull’, which draws synchronous and symmetrical elements of cosmos for facilitation. However, by the time attainments and endowments happen; there usually being a time lag; the subject’s disposition & consciousness shifts to different plane. Usually, what initiates desire as expression of utility of attainment, ends up as futility, when endowment attains finality. This conflict is cosmic construction. It authors all stories of different ‘protagonists’, ‘plots’, ‘preface’ and ‘progression’. People being theatres of the enactment of stories, are bound to have a false belief of ‘pride of possession’. However, life itself has the last story.

Melissa’s mother felt low and even irritated at her predicament. Her political career had lots of credit to her fine oratory skills. Her pride possession was her spontaneous and melodramatic speeches, which even her adversaries admitted, connected her audience with her magical charm. She knew where it touched people and spared no words to do it often, while she rattled her words in stupendously inter-woven series. However, sitting outside the ICU of the hospital, waiting for her daughter to come to senses, she had no choice to be honest to herself and admit that she had missed the natural touch of being a mother, even when she proved herself to be a brilliant politician. As time ticked away, she prayed for a miracle to show her a way.

Melissa’s father finally managed to get past the crowd in front of the hospital gate and convinced a police officer to take him to her inside. Melissa’s mother could not believe, he was standing in front of her. She could not understand what to say and how to react. Finally, she broke down and wept like a child. He kept assuring her that the worst was over and everything would take a new and good beginning. He took charge of everything within minutes. He arranged a room for her, asked her to sleep, advising