The Sketches of Seymour by Robert Seymour (pdf to ebook reader txt) 📕

meadow, lost in the perusal of Zimmerman on Solitude, he was suddenly aroused from his reverie by a loud "Moo!" and, turning about, he descried, to his dismay, a curly-fronted bull making towards him.

Now, Watt., was so good-humoured a fellow, that he could laugh at an Irish bull, and withal, so staunch a Protestant, that a papal bull only excited a feeling of pity and contempt; but a bull of the breed which was careering towards him in such lively bounds, alarmed him beyond all bounds; and he forthwith scampered over the meadow from the pugnaceous animal with the most agile precipitation imaginable; for he was not one of those stout-hearted heroes who could take the bull by the horns - especially as the animal appeared inclined to contest the meadow with him; and though so fond of beef (as he naturally was), he declined a round upon the present occasion.

Seeing no prospect of escape by leaping stile or hedge, he hopped the green turf like an encaged lark, and happily reached a pollard in the midst of the meadow.

Climbing up with the agility of a squirrel, he seated himself on the knobby summit of the stunted willow.

Still retaining his Zimmerman and his senses, he looked down and beheld the corniferous quadruped gamboling playfully round his singular asylum.

"Very pleasant!" exclaimed he; "I suppose, old fellow you want to have a game at toss! - if so, try it on with your equals, for you must see, if you have any gumption, that Watty Williams is above you. Aye, you may roar! - but if I sit here till Aurora appears in the east, you won't catch me winking. What a pity it is you cannot reflect as well as ruminate; you would spare yourself a great deal of trouble, and me a little fright and inconvenience."

The animal disdainfully tossed his head, and ran at the tree - and

"Away flew the light bark!"

in splinters, but the trunk remained unmoved.

"Shoo! shoo!" cried Watty, contemptuously; but he found that shoo'ing horns was useless; the beast still butted furiously against the harmless pollard.

"Hallo!" cried he to a dirty boy peeping at a distance - "Hallo!" but the lad only looked round, and vanished in an instant.

"The little fool's alarmed, I do believe!" said he; "He's only a cow-boy, I dare say!" And with this sapient, but unsatisfactory conclusion, he opened his book, and read aloud, to keep up his courage.

The bull hearing his voice, looked up with a most melancholy leer, the corners of his mouth drawn down with an expression of pathetic gravity.

Luckily for Watty, the little boy had given information of his dilemma, and the farmer to whom the bull belonged came with some of his men, and rescued him from his perilous situation.

"The gentleman will stand something to drink, I hope?" said one of the men.

"Certainly" said Watty.

"That's no more than right," said the farmer, "for, according to the New Police Act, we could fine you."

"What for?"

"Why, we could all swear that when we found you, you were so elevated you could not walk!"

Hereupon his deliverers set up a hearty laugh.

Watty gave them half-a-crown; saying, with mock gravity -

"I was on a tree, and you took me off - that was kind! I was in a fright, and you laughed at me; that was uncharitable. Farewell!"


DELICACY!


Lounging in Hyde Park with the facetious B , all on a summer's day, just at that period when it was the fashion to rail against the beautiful statue, erected by the ladies of England, in honour of the Great Captain -

"The hero of a hundred fights," -

"How proudly must he look from the windows of Apsley House," said I, "upon this tribute to his military achievements."

"No doubt," replied B ; and with all that enthusiasm with which one man of mettle ever regards another! At the same time, how lightly must he hold the estimation of the gallant sons of Britain, when he reflects that he has been compelled to guard his laurelled brow from the random bullets of a democratic mob, by shot-proof blinds to his noble mansion: this was:

'The unkindest cut of all,'

after all his hair-breadth 'scapes, by flood and field, in the service. of his country, to be compelled to fortify his castle against domestic foes."

"A mere passing cloud, that can leave no lasting impression on his great mind," said I; "while this statue will for ever remain, a memorial of his great deeds; and yet the complaint is general that the statue is indelicate - as if, forsooth, this was the first statue exhibited in 'puris naturalibus' in England. I really regard it as the senseless cavilling of envious minds."

"True," said B , laughing; "there is a great deal of railing about the figure, but we can all see through it!" at the same time thrusting his walking-stick through the iron-fence that surrounds the pedestal. As for delicacy, it is a word that is used so indiscriminately, and has so many significations, according to the mode, that few people rightly understand its true meaning. We say, for instance, a delicate child; and pork-butchers recommend a delicate pig! Delicacy and indelicacy depend on the mind of the recipient, and is not so much in the object as the observer, rely on't. Some men have a natural aptitude in discovering the indelicate, both in words and figures they appear, in a manner, to seek for it. I assure you that. I (you may laugh if you will) have often been put to the blush by the repetition of some harmless phrase, dropped innocently from my lips, and warped by one of these 'delicate' gentlemen to a meaning the very reverse of what I intended to convey. Like men with green spectacles, they look upon every object through an artificial medium, and give it a colour that has no existence in itself!

It was only last week, I was loitering about this very spot, when I observed, among the crowd of gazers, a dustman dressed in his best, and his plump doxy, extravagantly bedizened in her holiday clothes, hanging on his arm.

As they turned away, the lady elevated the hem of her rather short garments a shade too high (as the delicate dustman imagined) above her ancle. He turned towards her, and, in an audible whisper, said, 'Delicacy, my love - 'delicacy!' - 'Lawks, Fred!' replied the damsel, with a loud guffaw,' - 'it's not fashionable! - besides, vot's the good o' having a fine leg, if one must'nt show it?'

So much for opinions on delicacy!


"NOW JEM - "

"Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row."


The tide is agin us, I know, But pull away, Jem, like a trump; Vot's that? O! my vig, it's a barge - Oh! criky! but that vos a bump!

How lucky 'twas full o' round coals, Or ve might ha' capsized her - perhaps! See, the bargemen are grinning, by goles! I never seed sich wulgar chaps.

Come, pull away, Jem, like a man, A vherry's a coming along Vith a couple o' gals all agog - So let us be first in the throng.

Now put your scull rig'ler in, Don't go for to make any crabs; But feather your oar, like a nob, And show 'em ve're nothink but dabs!

The vaterman's leering at us, And the gals is a giggling so - They take us for green'uns, but ve Vill soon show 'em how ve can row.

Alas! for poor Bobby's "show off" - He slipp'd in a trice from his seat - While his beaver fell into the stream, And the gals laugh'd aloud at his feat.

For his boots were alone to be seen, As he sprawled like a crab on its back; While the waterman cried - "Ho! my lads! I think you'd best try t'other tack!"

Says Bobby - "You fool, it's your fault; Look - my best Sunday castor is vet: Pull ashore, then, as fast as you can. I can't row no more - I'm upset.

"I think that my napper is broke, Abumpin' agin this wile boat; You may laugh - but I think it's no joke: And I shan't soon agin be afloat.

"I'll never take you out agin - I've had quite enough in this bout!" Cried Jem - "Don't be angry vith me; Sit still, and I'll soon - PUT YOU OUT!"


STEAMING IT TO MARGATE.

"Steward, bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can."


Since the invention of steam, thousands have been tempted to inhale the saline salubrity of the sea, that would never have been induced to try, and be tried, by the experiment of a trip. Like hams for the market, every body is now regularly salted and smoked. The process, too, is so cheap! The accommodations are so elegant, and the sailors so smart! None of the rolling roughness of quid-chewing Jack-tars. Jack-tars! pshaw! they are regular smoke jacks on board a steamer! The Steward ("waiter" by half the cockneys called) is so ready and obliging; and then the provisions is excellent. Who would not take a trip to Margate? There's only one thing that rather adulterates the felicity - a drop of gall in the cup of mead! - and that is the horrid sea-sickness! learnedly called nostalgia; but call it by any name you please, like a stray dog, it is pretty sure to come.

The cold perspiration - the internal commotion - the brain's giddiness - the utter prostration of strength - the Oh! I never shall forget the death-like feel! - Fat men rolling on the deck, like fresh caught porpoises; little children floundering about; and white muslins and parasols vanishing below! The smoking-hot dinner sends up its fumes, and makes the sick more sick. Soda-water corks are popping and flying about in every direction, like a miniature battery pointed against the assaults of the horrid enemy!

"Steward!" faintly cries a fat bilious man, "bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can."

But alas! he who can thus readily summon spirits from the vasty deep, has no power over the rolling sea, or its reaches!

"O! my poor pa!" exclaims the interesting Wilhelmina; and is so overcome, that she, sweet sympathizer! is soon below pa in the ladies' cabin. In fact, the greater part of the pleasure-seekers are taken - at full length.

Even young ladies from boarding-school, who are thinking of husbands, declare loudly against maritime delight! while all the single young men appear double.

The pier at last appears - and the cargo of drooping souls hail it with delight, and with as grateful a reverence as if they were received by the greatest peer of the realm!

They hurry from the boat as if 'twere Charon's, and they were about stepping into the fields of Elysium!

A change comes o'er the spirit of their dream - their nerves are braced; and so soon are mortal troubles obliterated from the mind, that in a few days they are ready again to tempt the terrors of sea-sickness in a voyage homewards - notwithstanding many of them, in their extremity, had vowed that they never