Forever by Kc Wheeler (read aloud TXT) 📕

“I try to tell myself that I'm lucky I got six years with you. But if I never met you, I wouldn't hurt for you right now. If I hadn't met you, I might be okay,” I spoke softly. “They say to cherish memories. Well, part of me wishes all memories of you could be erased, because all the memories do is remind me that we'll never do that thing together again. Who am I kidding though? Even if they could be wiped... I don't think I would.” I thought for a moment. “Because living without your memories is as unimaginable to me as simply not existing.”

I put down my phone.

Tonight Luke doesn't visit me in my dreams. Somehow, that's even worse than him telling me to move on.

Today it is two years and one week since Luke left.

Tomorrow I would turn twenty-five. But I will not live to see that day.

I have realized what I have to do.

I must be a horrible, selfish person. I've blocked all guilt from my mind in my determination to be with Luke. I've dropped all thoughts, except the need for Luke that controls my life. My desire to be with him is what has led me to this selfish but brave act. I have gone through a lot of emotions since making my decision. Guilt. Fear. Excitement. Even happiness. Then more fear. I still fear ending up in Hell, but I've found a way to accept not existing, for if I do not exist, I will no longer be in pain. The most surprising emotion of all that I've experienced has been relief. Relief has left me wondering if this was always to be my fate. It feels so right. I feel like I have reached a solution. Who would expect a solution for somebody’s death?

I feel surprised that I never considered this sooner. I feel lucky that I finally have.

Like in my dream, it is cold. The wind blows wildly and the waves crash loudly on the sharp, jagged rocks below. I hold myself tight and hope I get to feel warmth where I'm going. I feel like I'm back in my dream, and I'm grateful as it makes this easier.

But this time, it's for real.

I creep towards the edge of the cliff, and I'm now standing on the edge, shivering. I still feel like I am in a trance for I am strangely calm. I have mentally prepared myself for this as the need for Luke has reached my insanity.

It happens really quickly. I lift one foot off the ground. This time there's no voice telling me to stop. The real Luke will want me. There will be no more dreams.

As I lift my foot higher, I briefly think, is this going to hurt?

Before I have time to over-come this new concern, a huge gust of wind seems to shove me from behind. I cry out in surprise as my standing leg slips out from beneath me. My stomach turns over for a split second as I fall. It all happens too quickly to go into any form of description.

Everything goes black.

I see red.

I slowly open my eyes, squinting into the bright light.

I'm lying in long lush grass.

I very slowly sit up and glance all around. I see more long grass and a few daisies. I'm in the backyard of a small, brick house with a green, tin roof.

I'm dazed and confused. What happened? Where am I? I've never been here before.

Crickets chirp in the distance and a robin lands a few metres in front of me. The sky is cloudless and the air is warm. I’m so relieved for the warmth and I don’t understand why.

I struggle to my feet and walk slowly, nervously, towards the back door of the house. Before I can reach my destination, the wooden door begins to slowly open. I draw myself to a halt and peer curiously at the door. Fear overwhelms me as I wonder how I'm going explain why I'm in this person's backyard.

A familiar looking guy about my age steps out. He has hazel eyes and olive skin. A single lock of wavy hair veers left over his forehead.

That's when everything comes back to me. Only I am no longer on a high cliff over-looking my death sentence.

Could it be? Is this Heaven?

My mouth falls open. Then I'm crying. This time they're mostly happy tears. Luke takes me, but softly. Too softly.

“Oh Luke,” I sob as I press my body into his. He feels solid and warm. He smells a little bit like chocolate Lynx and after shave. “Where are we, Luke?”

I step back and look into his eyes. I see something in them that I haven't seen before. It's something I can't quite put my finger on and I have to brush away a feeling of unease. “We were both wrong. There's no Hell. There's no Heaven like in the Bible. We're obviously not out of existence. We're aware of our surroundings,” he starts. “This is where we go after we die. There are millions of different undiscovered planets. All very much like Earth.” Luke pauses. “One ‘Earth’ is not enough as we are continuously reproducing. There's only so much room on each planet. 'Death' is simply relocating people and animals to another world to make more room on the original planet,” he finishes. “There's no way to escape your pain. Not through death anyway,” he adds bitterly, his eyes flashing.

I stare at him in disbelief. In all my years of wondering what happens after death, this is far from anything I have ever imagined. “How do you know all this Luke?”

“Life and death is no secret here,” Luke says simply. “There’s no wonder.”

“Will we ever die here?” I ask.

Luke smirks. “Technically we’re already dead, aren’t we?”

I frown, struggling to piece together all I’ve been told so far. It’s all so confusing.

“No, we don’t die again. And everybody we know will end up here. Other ‘Earths’ will be open for future generations, and past generations are on planets outside of ours too.”

Just like that, any doubt or fear of death diminishes. I am with my Luke again. I will see my family and friends again one day. There is an afterlife. If only everybody knew for sure, it'd save so much heartache.

I then wonder if Christians do have doubt after all; if their belief is so sincere. They still go through so much grief when one dies. If in their mind they really know Heaven exists… If they believe they know it's not really goodbye, why do they hurt just as much as a non-believer?

My mind is blown. I have so many questions.

How do we get here after we die?

How do we end up in a body exactly the same?

How do we find our friends and family when they arrive, and how do we find those who have already passed? How did I find you?

Do our bodies age here?

Do we survive the way we always have? Do I look for a job?

It's going to be a very long conversation.

Now, it's like being in a dream. Luke is right here. My body was against his just seconds ago.

He's here for my new forever.

What was impossible is now possible and I'm in a state of shock. My love for Luke holds as strong as ever. I decide Luke’s lack of excitement for me must simply be a case of shock. I want a real reunion; the questions can wait.

“I missed you too much Luke. I couldn't move on. I had to be with you,” I reach for his hand, but he pulls it away.

Hurt, I stare at him, wide-eyed.

“I tried to warn you Cara.” He speaks quietly, his eyes fixated on the ground.

“Huh?”

“In your dreams,” he says. Then he adds, “Um, technology is further ahead here.”

My dreams? Could it be?

“Luke, who are you talking to?” A pretty blonde girl wearing dark blue jeans and a white halter neck steps out of the house.

I feel confused. “Who is that?” I ask.

Luke looks so uncomfortable. He shuffles on his feet, hands buried deep within his pockets. “This place is a lot like home. A lot like what we call life,” Luke says.

I stare at him, waiting for him to continue.

He raises his eyes for a split second. “In real life, we love. In real life, we also learn to move forward. We move on.”

I gasp, instantly panicked.

Then he adds, “At least most of us do.”

My heart begins to race. My hands feel clammy with sweat.

“I didn't think you would end your life for me, Cara. I moved on. I'm really sorry.”

He won't look at me.

The blonde has been listening. She has made the connection. She walks over and puts her arm around Luke's waist. “Hi. I'm Kelly, Luke's fiancé.” She eyes me up and down and forces a smile to her face.

Fiancé?!

My knees buckle. Tears fill my eyes once again. I'll drown before I ever escape the water from within. I feel so weak. Wake up, I demand myself silently.

But this is no dream.

My legs give way and I collapse back into the long grass, the way I found myself before. I'm breathing so hard. “I… I... killed myself for you... I...I...” I stammer, failing to continue.

Now I have nobody. I have no friends, nor family. I will likely be waiting many years to see them. And now, like before, I don't have Luke.

Not in this forever.

I have a new thought. Am I in Hell? Is this my Hell? Is this my repayment for killing myself? Everything is spinning. I'm nauseous. So nauseous.

“Luke,” I whimper his name between deep breaths. I know I'm about to pass out.

He glances my way, only briefly. I know now that the look I couldn't recognize is guilt. He has some compassion. As Kelly leans against him, I can see something else in those hazel eyes.

Love. This time it's for her.

I'm losing myself to a sadness so deep that I would die if I had not already.

And him?

He's smiling. He's always fucking smiling.

Publication Date: 08-15-2016

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