A Voyage Of Consolation by Sara Jeannette Duncan (best fiction books to read TXT) 📕

Him Of The Punishments Attached In Germany To The Charge Of _LèSe

Majesté_. Precisely Five Minutes More Passed Away,  And Bawlinbuttons,  As

Miss Callis Called Him,  Entered Again. Then Occurred The Senator'S

Little Mistake. In The Midst Of The Second Bar,  The Indignant One,

Bawlinbuttons Stopped Short,  Petrified By Poppa,  Who Had Advanced And

Was Holding Out Copper Coins Whose Usefulness We Had Left Behind Us,  To

The Value Of About Fifteen Cents.

"Here'S The Collection," Said Poppa Benevolently--For An Instant Or Two

He Was Quite Audible--"But Unless You Know Some Other Tune The Company

Wish Me To Say That They Won'T Trouble You Any Further."

There Are Misunderstandings That Are Never Rectified,  Sometimes Because

A Train Draws Up At The Platform As In This Case,  And Sometimes For

Other Reasons,  And It Was Natural Enough That Poppa Should Fail To

Comprehend Bawlinbuttons' Indignant Shouts To The Effect That A Kaiser

Should Never Be Mistaken For An Organ-Grinder,  Merely Because His Tastes

Are Musical. Neither Is It Likely That The Various Teutons Who Were

Waiting For The Information Will Ever Understand Why The Announcement

That The Train For Saarburg,  Nancy,  Frankfort,  And Mayence Would Leave

At Ten O'Clock Precisely Was Never Completed For The Third Time,

According To The Regulation. But We Have Often Wondered Since What

Bawlinbuttons Did With The Coppers.

We Divided Up On The Way To Mayence,  And Mr. And Mrs. Malt Came Into

The Compartment With The Senator,  Momma,  And Me. Mr. Malt Was

Unsatisfied With Poppa'S Revenge On Bawlinbuttons,  And Proposed To Make

Things Awkward Further For The Guard. He Said It Could Be Done Very

Simply,  By A Disagreement Between Himself And The Senator As To Whether

The Windows Should Be Open Or Shut. He Said He Had Heard Of A German

Guard Put To The Most Enjoyable Misery By Such A Dispute,  Not Knowing

The Language Of The Disputants And Being Forced To Arbitrate Upon Their

Respective Demands. Mr. Malt Had Laughed At The Senator'S Joke,  So The

Senator,  Of Course,  Had To Assist At Mr. Malt'S,  And They Began To Work

Themselves Up,  As Mr. Malt Said,  Into The Spirit Of It. Mr. Malt Was To

Insist That The Windows Should Be Shut,  He Said He _Had_ Got A Trifling

Cold,  And The Senator Was To Require Them Open In The Interests Of

Ventilation. They Rehearsed Their Arguments,  And Momma Putting Her Head

Out Of The Window At The First Small Station Cried,  "Be Quick And Change

Your Expressions--He'S Coming!"

In The Presence Of The Guard Mr. Malt Rose With Dignity And Closed The

Windows. The Senator,  With A Well-Simulated Scowl,  At Once Opened Them

Both.

"Stranger!" Said Mr. Malt,  While Momma Fumbled For Her Ticket,  "I Shut

Those Windows."

"Sir," Responded Poppa,  "If You Had Not Done So I Shouldn'T Have Been

Obliged To Open Them."

"I Can'T Die Of Pneumonia,  Sir," Said Mr. Malt,  Again Closing The

Window,  "To Oblige _You_."

"Nor Do I Feel Compelled," Returned The Senator Furiously,  "To

Asphyxiate My Family To Make It Comfortable For You!" And The Window

Fell With A Bang.

The Guard,  Holding Out A Massive Hand For My Ticket,  Took No Notice

Whatever.

"Put It Up Again," Said Mrs. Malt,  Who Was More Anxious Than Any Of Us

To Avenge Herself Upon The German Railway System,  "And Try To Break The

Glass."

"Attract His Attention,  Alexander," Said Momma. "Pull One Of His Silly

Buttons Off."

The Guard Gave No Sign--He Was Replacing The Elastic Round My Book Of

Coupons After Detaching The Green One On Which Was Printed,  "Strasburg

Nach Mainz."

Poppa And Mr. Malt Were Sitting Opposite Each Other In The Middle Of

The Carriage.

"I Tell You I'Ve Got Bronchial Trouble,  And I Won'T Be Manslaughtered,"

Cried Mr. Malt,  Hurling Himself Upon The Strap,  While Poppa Seized The

Guard By The Arm And Pointed To The Closed Window. The Only Foreign

Language With Which Poppa Is Acquainted Is That Used By The Indians On

The Banks Of The Saguenay River,  A Few Words Of Which He Acquired While

Salmon Fishing There Two Years Ago. These He Poured Forth Upon The

Guard--They Were The Only Ones That Occurred To Him,  He Said--At The

Same Time Threatening With His Disengaged Fist Bodily Assault Upon Mr.

Malt.

"That Ought To Draw Him," Said Mrs. Malt.

It Did Draw Him.

"Leave Go!" He Said To Poppa,  And His Air Of Authority Was Such That

Poppa Left Go. "Is This Here A Lunatic Party,  Or A Young Menagerie,  Or

What? Now Look Here," He Continued,  Taking Mr. Malt By The Elbow And

Seating Him With Some Violence In a Corner Seat And Shutting The Window.

"If You'Ve Got Eight Tickets For Yourself Say So,  If You Haven'T That'S

As Much An' More Than You Are Entitled To. The Other Gentleman----" But

The Senator Had Already Collapsed Into The Furthest Corner And Was

Looking Fixedly Through The Closed Glass. "Well,  All I'Ve Got To Say

Is," He Went On,  Lowering That Window With Decision,  "That You Can'T Go

Kickin' Up Rows In This Country Same As You Do At Home,  An' If You Can'T

Get Along More Satisfactory Together I'Ll----" Here Something Interrupted

Him,  Requiring To Be Transferred From The Senator'S Hand To The Nearest

Convenient Pocket. "As I Was Goin' To Say,  Gentlemen,  There Isn'T Any What

You Might Call Strict Rule About The Windows,  An' As Far As I'M Concerned,

You Can Settle It For Yourselves."

Whereupon He Swung Along To The Next Carriage,  The Train Having Started,

And Left Us To Reflect On The Incongruity Of An English Railway Guard In

Germany.

It Was Curious,  But The Incident Left Behind It A Certain Coolness,  So

Well Defined That When Momma Suggested That The Malts' Window Should Be

Lowered As It Was Before To Give Us A Current Of Air,  Mrs. Malt Said She

Thought It Would Be Better To Abide By The Decision Of The Guard,  Now

That We Had Referred It To Him,  And Momma Said,  "Oh Dear Me,  Yes," If

She Preferred To Do So,  And Everybody Established The Most Aggressively

Private Relations With Books And Newspapers. It Was Quite A Relief When

Mrs. Portheris Came At The Next Station To Inquire Whether,  If We Had No

Married Germans In Our Compartment,  We Could Possibly Make Room For

Isabel. Mrs. Portheris Had Married Germans In Her Compartment,  Two Pairs

Of Them,  And She Could No Longer Permit Her Daughter To Observe Their

Behaviour. "They Obtrude Their Domestic Relations," Said Mrs. Portheris,

"In The Most Disgusting Way. They Are Continually Patting Each Other.

Quite Middle-Aged,  Too! And Calling Each Other 'Leibchen,' And Other

Things Which May Be Worse. My Poor Isabel Is Dreadfully Embarrassed,

For,  Of Course,  She Can'T Always Look Out Of The Window. And As She

Understands The Language,  I Can'T Possibly Tell _What_ She May

Overhear!"

We Made Room For Isabel,  But The Train To Mayence Was Crowded That Day,

And Before We Arrived We Had Ample Reason To Believe That Conjugal

Affection Is Not Only At Home But Abroad In Germany. The Senator,  At One

Point,  Threatened To Travel On The Engine To Avoid It. He Used,  I Think

The Language Of Exaggeration About It. He Said It Was The Most

Objectionable Article Made In Germany. But I Did Not Notice That Isabel

Devoted Herself At All Seriously To Looking Out Of The Window.

"He Tells Me," Said Miss Callis,  "That You Are To Give Him His Answer At

Cologne."

"Does He,  Indeed?" Said I. We Were Floating Down The Rhine In The

Society Of Our Friends,  Two Hundred And Fifty Other Floaters,  And A

String Band. We Had Left The Battlements Of Bingen,  And The Mouse Tower

Was In Sight. As We Had Already Acquired The Legend,  And Were Sitting

Behind The Smoke Stack,  There Was No Reason Why We Should Not Discuss

Mr. Mafferton.

"I Suppose He Does Not,  By Any Chance,  Mention An Alternative Lady," I

Said Carelessly.

"I Don'T Know," Said Miss Callis,  "That I Should Be Disposed To Listen

To Him If He Did. He Would Have To Put It In Some Other Light."

"Why Should You Object?" I Asked. "Isabel Is Quite A Proper Person To

Marry Him. Much More So,  I Often Think,  Than I."

"Oh!" Said Miss Callis Without Meaning To. "I Think He Has Outgrown That

Taste. In Fact,  He Told Me So."

"He Is For Ever Seeking A Fresh Bosom For A Confidence!" I Cried.

Miss Callis Looked At Me With More Interest Than She Would Have Wished

To Express.

"What Do You Really Think Of Him?" She Asked. "I Sometimes Feel As If I

Had Known You For Years," And She Took My Hand.

I Gave Hers A Gentle Pressure,  And Edged A Little Nearer. "He Has Good

Shoulders," I Remarked Critically.

"You Would Hardly Marry Him For His _Shoulders_!"

"It Doesn'T Seem Quite Enough," I Admitted,  "But Then--His Information

Is Always So Accurate."

"If You Think You Would Like Living With An Encyclopedia." Miss Callis

Had Begun To Look Embarrassed By My Hand,  But I Still Permitted It To

Nestle Confidingly In Hers.

"He Pronounces All His G'S," I Said,  "And--Did You Ever See Him In a

Silk Hat?"

"I Don'T Think You Are Really Attached To Him,  Dear." (The "Dear" Was A

Really Creditable Sacrifice To The Situation.)

"I Sometimes Think," I Murmured,  "That One Never Knows One'S Own Heart

Until Some Sudden Circumstance Puts It To The Test. Now If I Had A

Rival--In You,  For Instance--And I Suddenly Saw Myself Losing--But,  Of

Course,  That Is Impossible So Far As You Are Concerned. Because Of The

Count."

"The Count Isn'T In It," Said Miss Callis Firmly. "At Least At Present."

"But," I Protested,  "Somebody Must Provide For Him! I Was So Happy In

The Thought That You Had Undertaken It."

Miss Callis Gave Me Back My Hand. She Looked As If She Would Have Liked

To Throw It Overboard.

"As You Say," She Said,  "It Is A Little Difficult To Make Up One'S Mind.

Don'T You Think Those Rocks To The Right May Be The Lorelei? I Must Go

And Tell Mrs. Malt. She Won'T Be Fit To Travel With For A Week If She

Misses The Lorelei." And Miss Callis Left Me To Reflect Upon The

Inconsistencies Of My Sex.

"Do You Realise," Said Dicky,  As,  With An Assumed Air Of Nonchalance,  He

Sauntered Up And Took Her Chair,  "That We Shall Be In cologne In Five

Hours?"

"Fateful Cologne," I Said. "There Are Roman Remains,  I Believe,  As Well

As The Cathedral And The Scent. Also A Museum Of Industrial Art,  But

We'Ll Skip That."

"We'Ll Skip All Of It," Replied Mr. Dod,  With Determination,  "You And I

And Isabel. The Train For Paris Leaves At Nine Precisely."

"Haven'T You Made Up Your Minds To Let Me Off," I Pleaded. "I Am Sure

You Would Be Happier Alone. It'S So Unusual To Elope With Two Ladies."

"You Don'T Seem To Realise How Isabel Has Been Brought Up," Dicky

Returned Patiently. "She Can'T Travel Alone With Me,  Don'T You See,

Until We Are Married. Afterwards She'Ll Chaperone You Back To Your Party

Again. So It Will Be All Right For _You_,  Don'T You See?"

I Was Obliged To Say I Saw,  And We Arranged The Details. We Would Reach

Cologne About Six,  And Isabel And I,  Who Would Share A Room As Usual,

Were Secretly To Pack One Bag Between Us,  Which Dicky Would Smuggle Out

Of The Hotel And Send To The Station. Isabel Was To Be Fatigued And Dine

In Her Room; I Was To Leave The _Table D'HôTe_ Early To Solace Her,

Dicky Was To Dine At A _Café_ And Meet Us At The Station. We Would Put

Out The Lights And Lock The Door Of The Apartment On Our Departure,  And

The Chambermaid With Hot Water In The Morning Would Be The First To

Discover Our Flight. We Only Regretted That We Could Not Be There To See

The Astonishment Of The Chambermaid. "I Won'T Fail You," I Assured Mr.

Dod,  "But What About Isabel? Isabel Is Essential; In Fact,  I Won'T

Consent To This Elopement Without Her."

"Isabel," Said Dicky Dubiously,  "Is All Right,  So Far As Her Intentions

Go. But She'D Be The Better For A Little Stiffening. Would You