Jokes For All Occasions by Anonymous (accelerated reader books .txt) 📕

and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the ranch.

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their misery they were unselfish.

"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please—oh, please—spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her."

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:

"Now, now, you girls—you mind your own business. War is war."

*         *         *

"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking up from his book.

"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."

"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the Austrians—"

"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I know?"

"Certainly not—you are all wrong. It was because—"

"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because—"

"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled—"

"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."

"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."

"Don't you dare, you impudent—"

"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll—"

"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how wars begin."

*         *         *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:

"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old trenches!"

"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.

"And you'll kiss my picture every night."

"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder of the new uniform coat.

"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.

"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.

"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over there—for I'm going to be awfully busy."

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge:

"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"

And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular.

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:

"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:

"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.

"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned and muttered:

"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out."

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."

*         *         *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.

"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with the question:

"Who was Cain's wife?"

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much inquiring after other men's wives."

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience, he began.

"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they couldn't talk."

"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.

*         *         *

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"

"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of critter'."

*         *         *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor + A. C.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

Oldest Inhabitant: "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

*         *         *

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't both afford to dress like that."

*         *         *

Father: "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

Hopeful: "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

*         *         *

Betty (after flash of lightning): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

*         *         *

Employer: "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

Boy: "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

*         *         *

Mistress: "Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"

Maid: "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

*         *         *

Little Girl (in foreground): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding."

*         *         *

Mistress: "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

*         *         *

Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

Officer: "Well, what is it?"

R. H.: "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

*         *         *

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What—do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

*         *         *

Master: "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say 'pneumonia'?"

Man: "Well, Sir, I 'ave; but I didn't like to correct you."

*         *         *

Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

*         *         *

Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

*         *         *

Mother: "Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

Mary: "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

*         *         *

Mother (to child who has been naughty): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

Child: "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

*         *         *

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

*         *         *

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

Mother: "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

Small daughter (tearfully): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

Mother: "Then why don't you?"

Small daughter (with renewed wails): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

*         *