The Way Home by Michael Castle (great book club books TXT) 📕

chest. Bet’er en that Business Degree o’yours. Pfft.”

Hannah looked at her chest, glad that there was no hair there. Mika looked as his and nodded, wondering if perhaps that was his problem.

“I think we should leave,” Mika whispered to the group, afraid the man would notice his lack luster chest hair and personally interrogate him. Colin steadied the group, his curiosity aroused.

“Wait, I have heard about this ‘School of Life.’ What about it?” he asked chainsaw man.
“Good question Colin!” said Hannah, her fevered mind unable to grasp the gravity of the situation. “Life hey … you've gotta love it,” she mused. “I saw a bear once, I think.”

The man was taken aback by all this unexpected interest and he waved his chainsaw in a bid to scare them away.

“Nice saw, man,” said Colin in awe.
“You cannae camp ‘ere! You cannae pitch yer tent on ma lawn. Disnae yer know that it took mah 10 yers tah erect that ‘no parking’ sign?” He said pointing to a sign, next to which was parked two cars, one of them theirs.
“But there’s a car there,” said Ariane, successfully pointing out the obvious.
“Aye of course, tis mah car,” he said angrily.
“Nice car, man,” said Colin in awe.
“I’m baffled,” said Hannah.
“Why don’t I have more chest hair?” asked Mika quietly peering at his chest in the hope that more had miraculously cropped up in the last few minutes with his knowledge of the mysterious school of life.

The four stood and listened as the man blustered on. He incoherently babbled; conversation topics erratically changing on a whim. His pet topics included: his eldest bag-pipe playing, wannabe fisherman, business studying son and the legitimacy of free lunches. Something fiercely debated by Hannah.

“Well we could camp somewhere else I guess,” said Ariane, vainly trying to pull the others away.
“Hold oan a menit! Disnae yer now that all land is owned bae some one? Tis the second lesson they teach yer in the ‘School of Life’.”
“What’s the first lesson?” asked Colin excitedly, wishing he had a pen and paper to take notes.
“Disnae yer see that fence, tis mine,” said the man, ignoring Colin. “See that wall, its mine,” he said.
“Nice wall, man,” said Colin in awe.

Mika decided to add intelligence to his self-proclaimed heroic status.

“Did you know that you can camp anywhere in Spain, France and Australia?” he said proudly puffing out his hairless chest. Chainsaw man started laughing.
“Shut yir puss, yi haverin bastirt. Disnae this look tae be Spain or France or Australia?” he said.
“Aren’t we in Scotland?” asked the fevered Hannah.
“Well Australians are definitely friendlier,” said Mika.
“Canny yer see that car, tis mine.” Chainsaw man continued.
“I bet Kate Blanchette would be friendlier or Nicole Kidman... or even Kylie Minogue.”

And so began Hannah’s list of famous Australian’s. Her list was tightly compact and her mainstays were the obvious ones. From time to time, she was known to improvise and often sneaked non-Australians such as Jude Law (he’s so hot!), hoping to claim them as fellow Aussies.

“And Madonna of course,” she said with a straight face before slyly peering at the others. The others were too busy watching the mad swipes that were now being made with the chainsaw. She proudly puffed out her hairless chest.

“You cannae just run aboot (saw swiped energetically on the word ‘aboot’) tae place pretending that yer (saw thrust down on the word ‘yer’) own the place!” he said enthusiastically. “Yer youngsters disnae appreciate that there isnae a thing as a free lunch, disnae nothing comes fer free in this life. See that post its mine.”
“Have you been to Australia? It’s great!” said Hannah with fevered excitement, hoping to bring out her list once more.
“See that rock? It’s mine!”
“Maybe we should leave,” said Ariane, pointing to the chainsaw.
“And that tree is mine!”
“Nice tree, man,” said Colin in awe.

They slowly pulled away, their departure marked by the fading cries of “see that flower? It’s mine!”

Returning to the car, they drove off under the hesitant direction of Colin. All the passengers fervently agreed that Colin’s option of 10 km/h was called for seeing as he had once again taken off on the right side of the road. The four slowly made their way around the narrow bends of a road that had one day served as a bicycle path. A steep drop fell beside them.

“You know, that man was right.” Mika said after a while.
“You mean we should get under the influence and run around with a chainsaw?” Colin asked hopefully. South Africans can be strange like that.
“You have a point,” Hannah agreed. “We need to stop off and pick up some chainsaws and beer.”
“Well that’s not what I meant,” Mika said, before thinking a bit. “Ok we should get a chainsaw each but what I really meant was the ‘School of Life’.”

Colin nodded. This ‘School of Life’ had really interested him.

“Mika it was only an expression and there will be no chainsaws thank you very much,” Ariane said sensibly. It was fortunate they had at least one sensible amongst them.

Hannah had been quiet since the mention of the ‘School of Life’ and suddenly sat up. “You’re right Mika...” she said.
“I know,” said Mika nodding, wondering what it was that he was right about but sure, none the less, that he was indeed right.
“Since I have been away from home, my free lunches have definitely dried up a bit. We need to go in search of this ‘School of Life’.”
“One does seem to graduate with a lot of stuff.” Ariane said, “I mean, did you hear all that stuff that he owns?”
“It’s settled then! 4 months from now, we are going on a mission.”
“The Mission? I’ve already seen it. It’s tragic and I cried a lot,” said Hannah. “Great music though.”
“We are all going home anyway so let’s take the long route and search for this elusive ‘School of Life’ and all it seems to offer.”
“Can we take chainsaws?”
“I can't remember if I did actually see a bear … maybe it was just a dream … I always get confused.”
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Publication Date: 11-24-2009

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