Submission by Adriana B. Dotter (to read list .txt) 📕

I have completely given myself away to someone else. I have given up trying to take my life in my own hands. He seemed to be the complete opposite to anyone I've dated before. It's only been two days since I surrendered, on my own free will, and he already made me remove my piercings and cover my head. He makes me do things I normally wouldn’t. This was all my idea. I brought it up. I asked him to take my life in his hands. I asked him to make every decision for me, yet I’ve never met him face to face in real life.

I have never been thought to be myself, to love myself, to stand up for myself nor to value myself. None of my parents did anything when I got raped. In fact my mom even spent time with the man she knew did it to me. No one did anything when the father of my child forced me in the house and was on the edge of abusing me. No one truly helped me when I had to move around with my six month old baby, in fact my mother even kicked me out. I have always been the one to defend my loved ones. Stand up to my sister and my cousins when they were in trouble, help my mother out of abusing relationships even if she always got back with them again, lend my family money even though I hardly got by myself. Now I’m an outcast. My mother doesn't talk to me, when she does, she yells. My father moved to another part of the country, I moved after him due to an abusive ex. We live in the same building yet he never visits me and my son to spend quality time. My sister betrayed me badly, even so I try to fix what’s broken between us. My youngest sister is in jail because she was dragged into her boyfriend's business. How could I possibly value myself, when I seem to not have a value at all. These feelings are similar to depression, I have to admit. But this is more about betrayal, loneliness and abandonment. 

PTSD causes me to seek the area I’m in for potential danger. It could keep me up at night when I lived in the city. I moved to the countryside which is calm enough but too far away. Every time I visit my hometown something bad always happens. The last time I visited, basically the whole city was on fire the same day that I travelled back home. This time my grandfather died of cancer. I watched him die, and I stayed until the funeral. It was hard to go through, but I’ve seen people die before and this time it was expected. My sister came to the funeral even though she's currently in jail. She had two guards and was strapped with her wrists to her waist. It hurt to know I will never see my grandfather again, but it honestly hurt even more seeing my sister like that. 

In my old hometown I’ve witnessed way too much and been attacked way too many times to be able to handle even being in the city, yet I go there due to my son's right to be with his father. Even though my closest ones know what I have witnessed and even if i tell them about my PTSD, it seems like they don’t understand, or don’t care. 

So since I am all alone, and I don't know how to value myself; what will happen when my life is given away?

Publication Date: 07-20-2021

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