Kryptonite Kisses by Trixie Belle (inspirational novels TXT) 📕

My first entry of the year, and I must warn, it's a morose one.

I've lost all motivation to do anything.
Not even writing can get me out of his slump. I'm always in a bad mood, and all I want to do is sleep.
I mean, the only reason I'm even writing this

is because the internet's down.

I've been feeling this way since we got back from New Zealand eleven days ago.
I usually get depressed when we come back, but never for this long.
This time I can't shake it.

And I guess I also get depressed about the cruel hands of time. It goes so fast it makes me dizzy.
It feels like just yesterday that I was parading around in a fairy outfit and a stamp on my nose on my sixth birthday.
But when I look back on that time, it feels as though it never happened - like a detached reality.

I'm sick of just drifting through life.
I was something exciting to happen.
Something meaningful.
I don't want to wake up one day, eighty years old, and wonder where my life went.


1st February 2009

Well.
It's official.
My childhood is gone with my youth soon to follow.
It's my final year of high-school.

I can't believe it's gone so fast. I wish I could do it all over again... No, I wish I could do my whole life

over again.
Time is such a fleeting thing.There are times when you think you've finally grasped it, but when you look down there's nothing in your hand but air.

On the brighter side, I've finally figured out what's wrong with me.
I was reading through Cleo magazine earlier, and stumbled across an article entitled, "Is being shy an illness?"
It talks about social anxiety, a disorder I couldn't help but relate to.
It develops around the ages of 12 and 27, and affects a person's ability to function around other people.
It says, "People with social anxiety catastrophise: they believe that other people think very negatively of them. In some ways they believe they're worthless, or not a good person."
That describes me to a T.
It also says that social anxiety sufferers will, "socialise selectively (with one group of friends) or avoid mingling altogether."
Frighteningly accurate.
Oh, and just my luck: it's not curable.
Great. Just great.


15th February 2009

Well.
Our sub-group has detached completely now. We don't really (well I don't) associate with those band of lemmings any more.
Crippling to our social stature, but the Queen Bitches were slaughtering that anyway.

A bit sad that I don't even get to stare at the back of Will's head any more, but maybe that'll help me get over him faster (even though eight weeks of total absence did nothing but fuel my desire).
Why do I like him so much!? He's not even that good-looking, and I don't remember the last time we had a conversation.

Ho Hum Tickle My Tum.


24th February 2009

I can't seem to find a footing in life.
It's like whenever I think I've come to grips on who I am and what the Hell it is I'm meant to be doing, I slip and fall back down lower than I started.
It's depressing and it makes me depressed.

Another thing that's depressive is this insistent infatuation with Will.
I accidentally made eye contact with him yesterday, and as soon as I did, this intense pang of I-don't-know-what surged through me like a hurricane.
It actually left me dizzy for a couple of seconds.

And ANOTHER thing that adds to this constant downward spiral of misery is that fact that I'm so God-damned ordinary.
No matter where I go, I am always just The Invisible, the Unnoticeable.
Sure, it's nice sometimes, but for once, just once, I'd like to be appreciated.

"Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it."

25th February 2009

I'm having trouble figuring out what life is all about.
What is its purpose?
We're born, we live, we die.
We experience the best part of our life when we're too naïve to cherish is, and what is really worth living for once your youth is gone?
If there IS a God, he has a pretty messed up sense of humour.


26th February 2009

I'm too depressed to tidy my room.
There's crap everywhere.
I can't find anything... It's like a dungeon in here.
I don't remember the last time I opened my blinds.
The ants have found their way in here, and are feasting on something hidden in the depths. They bite me a lot, but I can't even be bothered spraying them.

I was trying to trace where my depression stemmed from, and I ended up in my childhood. I always believed I had the best imaginable childhood, but when I really think about it, I was a pretty troubled kid.
I never seemed to have any friends, and spent most of my lunchtimes alone eating a mince pie judging whether or not a person was a werewolf based on the amount of hair on the back of their necks.
In grade 3, I was angry all the time, and often had the fight urges to grab the person in front of me by the skull and through them across the classroom.

If we're going to go into deep detail here, I'd say that anger had a lot to do with things at home. Mum and Dad had split up when I was four, and Dad promptly decided to get abusive and smash all the windows at our new home.
Mum turned to alcoholism to cope, and I had to grow up fast. Being a kid isn't easy when you fall asleep to the sounds of your Mother being violently ill in the toilets beside you. She always drank herself to a stupor like that, and when it's something you see on a daily basis, you think it's normal.
I'm glad things changed for the better once we moved to Australia, but she still relapses from time to time.

Not to mention Dad was a raging meth addict by this time, too, and suddenly I wasn't a priority any more. I missed the way he used to be, and I should be thankful that he's sober now. But the damage has been done.
I don't blame Dad.
I don't blame anyone.


27th February 2009

I've just recovered from what I can only describe as a psychotic episode.
All of a sudden, this hideous feeling of impending doom washed over me. Usually this feeling only gets me when I'm just waking up, but this time, it struck me when I was wide awake and alert.
I started shaking, and getting paranoid something bad was going to happen. I was freaking out, and couldn't think clearly.
I was a horrible thing to experience.

I picked up my bass guitar today for the first time in what must be a year, maybe more. It bugs me that I don't know how to do anything.

I don't think there's a happier time in my day other than when the entire household is asleep and I can just sprawl out on my bed in peace.


1st March 2009

I'm becoming more and more reclusive.
I'm in my room all the time, lost in my own little world.

Mum keeps trying to reach out to me, but I keep pushing her away. She says she misses her daughter, but I don't know if I can salvage her.
I try to make an effort to communicate, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this façade going.

I just don't know why anyone wants to talk to me... Even be around me.
Sometimes I think I should just lock myself in my room and never come out. Lose myself in my den... My own world.


4th March 2009

I handed in my English draft for Alpha Dog today.
Mr Kent, who was also my teacher in grade 10, read one paragraph and said, "Ah, it's been a while since I read your writing."
That made me feel inexplicably happy. It means that not only do I have a unique way with words, but that it's also recognisable.
Finally, recognition!


5th March 2009

Pretty uneventful day.
Paid for my Senior Jersey - $70
Oh, and Helen O'Meyer put her bag on a chair so I couldn't sit there.
Bitch.
I wouldn't have sat there anyway.


7th March 2009

I've finally figured out this whole infatuation business with Will.
It's not Will I have a crush on, so to speak, it's the idea

of having a crush on someone.
So basically, I'm in love with the concept of being in love.
So in order to cure my lust for Will, I need to find someone else to be the object of my desires.
Cute deli boy at supermarket, perhaps?

I hate how fickle humans are.
I hate that I live in a world without trust.
I wish that for once I could tell someone a secret and be confident that they won't pass it on.
I can't even trust Sarah, and I consider her to be my best friend.
I wonder what trust feels like.

Okay.
So they are my ramblings for today.
Now I can tell you about people.
Why?
Because I've got time to kill.

Richard: The 48th richest man in Australia, and the first man to ever openly flirt with me.
It was an awful experience.
I was at dinner with Tash at her Dad's restaurant, when one of her regulars, Richard, stumbles over (and yes, he was quite drunk).
He introduced himself by saying how, "gorgeous" I was, and that I was, "model material".
Now, there's nothing wrong with compliments, but then it started to get creepy...
He leaned over, his breath heady with whisky and whispered, "$5000".
Obviously, I declined.
Who knows what I would have to do in return for that money?! I shudder to think.
He kept stroking me, and at one point was exclaiming about how great he was at sex.
Ugh, he was repulsive.
If he hadn't of left when he did, I probably would have spilled my drink on him.
Okay, next.

Blue: The creepy, short greasy kid who's completely in love with me at school. He's always turned right around in his chair starting at me with his stupid eyes. He never hesitates to try and latch onto any conversation I'm having with someone, usually without success.
And I never hesitate to make my disdain for him perfectly clear.


15th March 2009

Oh, I had a fun night last night.
Tash came over, and we watched some Mighty Boosh.
When Mum went to work, we cranked up the tunes and ended up trying to do my hair like Russell Brand's (with minimal success - my hair's just too silky smooth).
We got bored, and went outside to listen to music.
My brother's friend and some drunken guy (Derek?) were talking to us for a while before we were finally left alone on the trunk of the car with Tash's iPod.
My brother's friend would come out for brief stints of conversation, which would always end with us asking for alcohol.

Then suddenly, this large congregation