Kryptonite Kisses by Trixie Belle (inspirational novels TXT) 📕

I'm feeling really, really, really depressed.
More depressed than I've felt in a long time.
I can't be bothered being awake anymore.
I can't be bothered being alive anymore.
Even though it's only 8:15, I'm going to pop a bluey and subdue myself.
I'm so tired of just drifting through life.

9pm

The sleeping pill didn't work.
People don't know the truth behind my façade.
They don't know that I'm fading away, dying.
I can feel my soul beginning to wither, feel it rotting away.

1am

Is it wrong that I have a, "preferred suicide method"?
I know exactly how I'll do it, if I ever have to.
I'll get a plastic bag.
Put it over my head.
And duct-tape it as tightly closed as possible.
Sometimes I fantasize about it... Fantasize about slowly suffocating in my own expulsions of carbon dioxide. I wonder how long it'd. take... How unpleasant it'd be.
It'd just be so much easier if I could quietly slip out of my life like that, slip away from the sadness and the heartache.
This sadness is like a disease; I can feel it tearing through my veins, feeding off my sorrow, urging me deeper and deeper into depression.
I don't know how to get out of this.


12th April 2009

This world is so corrupt.
They say we live in a, "free world" but in reality we're all shackled to a concrete prison.
When we try to exercise our, "freedom of speech" in protests and public demonstrations, we're arrested for, "disruption of the peace" - political codename for deviating from the norm.

Politicians bombard the public with a cavalcade of images of, "oppressed Communist nations" in the hopes that we don't realise our own perverted repression. We don't think for ourselves, we can't

think for ourselves.
The government has a throat-hold on the television stations and they make sure that we're all getting indoctrinated into the giant propaganda machine we call our lives.
The entire world is run by this machine, run by power-hungry, money-greedy dictators.
Somebody needs to put a stop to his.


14th April 2009

I should have never gotten out of bed today; it turned out to be the worst day of my life.

It started out all right - orthodontist said we'll set the date to take my braces off in five weeks time, and then we hired out some movies.
But with the mail came evil.

Hidden amongst the bills and notices lay the sealed envelope of my impending doom.
A letter from the school stating that due to my failure of math the past two terms, I was no longer eligible for a QCE.

My whole future, my whole life, just shattered right before my eyes.
No, it doesn't matter that I've got As and Bs in EVERY other subject, oh no. They choose to dictate your life upon the results of your weakest subject.

What sort of messed up system is that?
And now I've got to go have meetings with the deputies so I can be told exactly how much of an epic failure my life is going to be.

It's weird.
I've been wanting to cry all day, but now that it's safe to, I can't.
Oh great.
MORE bottled up emotions.


16th April 2009

Mum goes on vacation tomorrow.
I know this sounds bad, but I'm actually looking forward to the break.
It'll be nice to just laze around in my room listening to music and being weird without having to worry about her barging in and wanting to talk.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
I've become such a recluse, preferring to spend time alone in my room with my thoughts rather than in the company of other human beings.


25th April 2009

Today was pretty good.
We walked past Mr Kent on the way to fourth period, and he commented on my Gothic literature piece, saying it was, "really beautiful".
He even went so fast as to thank me for submitting it, he enjoyed reading it so much.
It really means a lot to me to get recognition for my creative work like that.


5th May 2009

If I can't belong in my own family, where can I?
I feel like the back-up sibling, the back-up child, only needed when there's no-one else around.
Why must I get shunned everywhere I go?

I've been plagued with rather daunting thoughts today.
About the inevitability of my own mortality, and the hastiness of time.
I mean, one day I'm going to die, and everything is just going to end.
Cease to exist.
Become nothing.
It's so hard to imagine the concept of, "nothing" because even total darkness is something.
An unpleasant notion.

Well I can't believe this is the last entry of the first diary I've ever completed.
And I don't intend on stopping now, so I better go out and buy a new one.
So long and farewell.
x.



23rd May 2009

Hello diary number two, welcome to my life.
Having recently completed my first ever diary, I thought it necessary to start a new one. It is, after all, beneficial to my relieve my mind of the many toxic thoughts that swarm my consciousness.

Hey, give me a break.
I'm a teenager, after all, and therefore have angst.

At the moment though I'm relatively placid, just sheltering from the inevitable screams of elation that the American Idol finale is bound to produce.

And there they are.


24th May 2009

I suppose the main reason for the initiation of this diary is the fact that I have such a poor memory. And I wouldn't half mild remembering this time when I'm old and on the brink of death.

If people supposedly believe in God and Heaven, then why do they plead for their lives when faced with death? I think it's because subconsciously they know that nothing comes after death, that is is TRULY the end.

The concept of, "Heaven" is merely a mechanism of comfort for people in their dying moments.
It's not real.


1st June 2009

I've really been thinking about the pointlessness of life. I mean, you're born, you live briefly, and then you die, return to a state of non-existence.
Think about all the hundreds of millions of years that just... Fast-forwarded until I was born. To me, that time never happened, because I didn't exist to experience it.
It was all on fast-forward.
And it just seems illogical to believe that there'll be life AFTER death, when there wasn't life BEFORE it.

I don't think it's healthy to think about death so much.


4th June 2009

I've slipped into another depression. They come on and off periodically. I can't say for sure what instigated the trail of toxic thoughts, but now they won't leave me alone.
I've just lost all motivation to do anything.

I deleted my MySpace, Facebook and Bebo accounts because I realised last night how insignificant I really am to my peers. I'm nothing to them, just another number. I used to think that at least the people I considered to be my friends were different, but it turns out that I'm just as meaningless to them as I am to everybody else.

People don't usually notice my depressions, but those who do just think I'm being an attention seeker.
All I want to do right now is sleep, and hopefully never wake up.


10th June 2009

Is it possible to feel homesick for the past?
Because that would pretty much sum up how I fee right now.
Kids don't realise how lucky they are until it's too late. I would give anything to be a child again.
Dad's house was such a haven, and because of my naïvité, I traded it all in for an empty life in the land of gold.

I wish I could be young again! If we delve far enough through time, the memory becomes a reality.
Unfortunately for me, time travel isn't possible.


16th June 2009

D'you know what I realised? I deep-think EVERYTHING.
It's a real problem.
It's the main reason why I have no belief in God whatsoever. I just think about it and think about it and think about it until I disprove all possibilities of His existence. And although I've acknowledged this problem, there's nothing I can do about it.
I think that in order to be religious, one much have some degree of blind obedience to a, "higher power". These are the people who are simply too afraid to have complete control over their own lives, because then they'd have no-one else to blame for their mistakes but themselves.

But I'll admit that the concept is alluring.
Maybe I should try it.


20th June 2009

Mum and I watched the Diary of Anne Frank today.
It's so depressing that she, like so many others, was robbed of her life in such a brutal and callous fashion.
I've already lived longer than Anne Frank, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Anne had so much passion and determination - knew exactly where she wanted to go in life and how to get there. And yet she wasn't even given a chance to live it.
And here I am, just cruising through life and letting it blatantly pass me by. I'd trade places with Anne in a heartbeat, if it meant she could live her life.

I need to get off my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself and finish my book.
I've wasted sixteen years of my life already.


22nd June 2009

Dad rang today.
He wants me to go over on the 1st.
Talk about short notice.
I was talking to my Step-Mum as well, and she was saying how Dad talks about me all the time - says he's proud of me.
If only he knew he had nothing to be proud of.
I'm such a failure, such a waste of space.
I can tell Dad misses me, and I hate myself for moving here and hurting him so badly.
I was naïve back then - I didn't think of the emotional consequences that we'd all have to face.
And so that's why when Mum tries to convince me against going (which she will because she'll miss me too) I'll still go.
I owe Dad that much.


23rd June 2009

My tears are poisonous.
I hate that we came here.
I hate everything I've done for the past five years of my life.
I suppose lessons on gratitude had to be learned, but surely there was an easier way?
Anything is easier than this.


9th July 2009

I hate that I have to get used to missing someone. And to make things worse, I have no-one that knows that I'm going through right now. Everyone palms me off as being emotional and melodramatic, but sometimes I just wish someone would listen... Genuinely want to listen.
My grief feels like venom.


4th of October 2009

Why do have to doubt EVERYTHING?!
Why can't I ever truly accept that someone wants to be my friend? I feel so alone. I'm drowning in my own self-doubt and misery. I just