FinanCea$e by Gino Conti (to read list txt) 📕

[SCENE: A rectangular dinner table occupies the center of the stage. It is opulently set with a gold and ivory brocade tablecloth, fine china and cutlery, crystal wine glasses in various sizes, heaps of food in silver serving trays, and several bottles of champagne in silver buckets. The centerpiece is an intricate silver candelabrum, above which hangs a gaudy and oversized crystal chandelier. Both illuminate the dinner guests in a way that their faces are brightly lit, but their bodies blend in with the darkness of the rest of the stage. REYNA is at the head of the table, facing the audience, and CAESAR is to her right. EMIR and TSARINA are seated to REYNA's left. ROQUÉ is at the other end of the table, with his back to the audience.]

REYNA: [with exaggerated gesticulations] Indeed, these are quite possibly the last of their kind in the world.

EMIR: You mean to say they are now extinct?

TSARINA: What a curious texture! Though I must confess, it is a bit too gamey for my palate. And how, perchance did you acquire them?

CAESAR: Oh, if you only knew the tribulations I had to endure...but my mishaps with the merchant are of no consequence. What matters is that we are all indulging in a certifiable rarity.

REYNA: [smiling politely] And you, Mr. Roqué, what do you think of them?

ROQUÉ: I once had a collection of dodo birds, domesticated dummies that fed and fed until they grew fat and then flightless, frolicking in their own flatulence. The menace of the monopoly is no myth, for the monocle-clad manipulate a new type of monotheism, making monkeys out of men, consuming them until they are mad with mimicry, a peculiar dementia and most pernicious malady.

[The others stare at him in an awkward silence for a few seconds.]

EMIR: [whispering across to CAESAR] That Roqué is an odd fellow. How is it that you know him?

CAESAR: [guffawing loudly] Rightly so! You hear that Roqué, feller? [ROQUÉ says nothing, but continues eating. CAESAR looks a bit uncomfortable by ROQUÉ’s silence. He whispers back to EMIR.] Not sure, through Wilson, I think.

TSARINA: [breaking the silence] Oh yes, speaking of the Maldives, did Emir already tell you of our spectacular journey there?

REYNA: [overly eager] Why no, I would love to hear all about it! Just a minute, it appears as though you are in need of some more champagne. Let me call the servants.

EMIR: By the way, this champagne is absolutely delicious. A grand cru, I presume?

REYNA: But of course! And limited production, too. We are drinking one of only ten bottles. The winemaker figured out a way to infuse gold particles into the carbonation.

TSARINA: Remarkable! I would certainly like some more. And the carrots, they wouldn't happen to be of the famed Yu-Dang variety?

CAESAR: I see you are already acquainted with them. These were harvested a day before the dam broke and the landslide destroyed the entire province.

REYNA: Caesar had to exhaust his entire network of friends, colleagues, and acquaintances in order to get some for this evening.

EMIR: Quite the Templar, you are, old chap. Well then, in that case I shall certainly eat some more! [addressing ROQUÉ] Could you please pass the carrots, Roqué, eh fella?

ROQUÉ: [as he passes the carrots] A karat is a measure of purity for gold.

[At this, there is a brief ringing that sounds like the closing bell on Wall Street. REYNA, CAESAR, EMIR, and TSARINA look up in confusion, and then freeze in that pose for two minutes. ROQUÉ does not look up, and continues eating while invisible hands remove some of the food, silverware, and crystal, as well as exchange the champagne for regular wine. A smaller, more modest chandelier and a simple brass candelabrum replace the original lighting, but the characters' faces remain illuminated as intensely as before, their bodies still obscure. At this point, the four characters stare down at the table with looks of confusion, but resume eating.]

EMIR: [chewing some carrots] I'm sorry, Reyna, but these taste like regular carrots. Are you sure they are Yu-Dang?

REYNA: Oh heavens no! That variety is too rare with the disaster there and all, and even if we could find some, we couldn't possibly regale you with such things. Not since our stock investments fared so poorly.

TSARINA: [reassuringly] Oh, those carrots are more hype than anything else. [pausing for a bit] I don't mean to be rude, but is there more champagne, by any chance?

CAESAR: I must apologize, but it appears that we are completely out. But we have plenty of wine. [pouring TSARINA a glass] This one is quite good. It received 92 points, and is of excellent quality considering the price.

TSARINA: Why thank you. But you shouldn't have troubled yourself on my account. Incidentally, what happened to your servants?

REYNA: Strange thing...they said life in this country was more dismal than where they came from, so they all picked up their bags and left! Can't say I blame them, their homeland is beautiful this time of year. [quickly changing the subject] With respect to tropical paradises, I believe you were about to tell us about your trip to the Maldives?

EMIR: Oh no, my dear Reyna, you are mistaken. We could never afford a trip to such an exclusive destination, especially with Tsarina losing her job and all. No, we kept it simple and went to Hawaii for our second honeymoon. Vacation packages there were quite reasonable for this time of year, and the water was still considerably warm.

CAESAR: It sounds lovely. [winking at REYNA] Perhaps we can keep that in mind once things improve. [looking over at ROQUÉ] And you, Mr. Roqué, have you been to any exotic locations recently? 

ROQUÉ: Yesterday, I took the express rail through the great oil swamps, a viscous miasma steaming with stagnation, inhabited by giant lethargic elephants that latch onto those lands and guzzle away with their insatiable trunks, as if ingesting from an abyss. But the bottom will run dry for these behemoths, and they will not bypass the bursting of the tar bubble, asphyxiating in its amorphous adhesion, until they drown in the dry barren desert developed from the decay of their own decadence.

TSARINA: [horrified] How utterly ghastly!

ROQUÉ: [with an air of mystery] That was yesterday, Madame. Just wait until tomorrow.

CAESAR: [whispering to REYNA] That Roqué is quite odd indeed. Did you invite him?

REYNA: [whispering back to CAESAR] No, I thought you did. 

EMIR: [clearing throat] Hmmm, well now, on the topic of deserts, properties are quite cheap there. Tsarina and I are considering selling our townhouse and relocating. We could buy a place twice as big and pay only half the mortgage.

CAESAR: [shaking his head] Is it wise to take such risks at this time, the real estate market being the way it is and all?

EMIR: We believe so. All we need to do now is find a buyer for our townhouse before it depreciates further and we have to sell it at a loss. If that happens, it will be virtually impossible to find a lender.

TSARINA: I keep telling him to wait, things can only go up from here. Pardon there, Emir, but could you please pass me the carrots?

ROQUÉ: [glancing over everyone at the table] A karat is a measure of purity for gold.

[The Wall Street closing bell chimes again. As before, REYNA, CAESAR, EMIR, and TSARINA look up in confusion, and then freeze in that pose for two minutes. ROQUÉ does not look up, and continues eating while invisible hands clear away all remaining china, silverware, and crystal. The brocade tablecloth is also removed, revealing a simple white linen tablecloth underneath, which is then set with disposable dinnerware, a basket of bread, and the carrots, served in Tupperware. The wine has turned into water. Instead of a brass candelabrum, there is now a single candle at the center of the table; a cheap-looking ceiling lamp dangles from where the chandelier once hung. However, the characters' faces are still brightly lit, and their bodies still blend in with the darkness. Once the transformation is complete, the four characters look down at the table, their expressions clearly perplexed and forlorn, but they resume eating.]

CAESAR: [inquisitively] So it sounds as though the two of you are not in agreement?

TSARINA: Sorry, I don't follow. Not in agreement over what?

CAESAR: [confused] Why, about relocating to the desert?

EMIR: [laughing sarcastically] In our dreams! With a bankruptcy under our belt, we could never get a loan. 

TSARINA: [defensively] It's no matter, we would be in the same situation even if we had sold the townhouse in time, considering the job market. 

REYNA: [empathetically] If it's any consolation, Caesar and I can certainly relate. We were lucky to be able to rent this apartment after the foreclosure. 

CAESAR: [swirling his glass of water as if it were a glass of wine, and then bringing it under his nose] While the unemployment checks keep coming in, at least. [looking at his glass in disgust upon realizing that it is just water] Well, well, can I offer you some more tap water, Emir? It's the city's finest.

EMIR: [smirking] I think I get mine from the same distributor, but sure, thanks. 

REYNA: [embarrassed] Please, have some bread with that. I'm sorry we can't offer much more, we seem to be out of everything else except for these...

TSARINA: [interrupting REYNA after having scanned ROQUÉ up and down for a few minutes] And you, Mr. Roqué, you don't seem to be affected by any of this. What is your secret?

ROQUÉ: You belittle bankers as bureaucrats, but they have built a new plutocracy, plundering and pillaging you blindly of boundless billions, and yet you still borrow, and borrow, and borrow, behind blinders of beguilement and bourgeois bravado. I rule my Reserve without reservation, free of regulation or the threat of redemption. Your magistrates are nothing more than my marionettes--you see--controlled by the strings of inflation, hyperflation, stagflation, deflation, and depression, all of which are in my possession, my domination.

[All nod in solemn agreement.] 

REYNA: In that case, sir, may I offer you a carrot?

ROQUÉ: [shaking his head and putting his hand over his stomach as if he is full] A karat is a measure of purity for gold.

[The Wall Street closing bell chimes one last time. Once again, REYNA, CAESAR, EMIR, and TSARINA look up in confusion, and then freeze in that pose for two minutes. ROQUÉ stands up, wipes his mouth with his napkin, sets the napkin down, and walks off stage, his back always to the audience. Meanwhile, invisible hands clear away the table and remove the white linen tablecloth, revealing a cardboard box. The ceiling lamp disappears, and now garbage cans positioned between the characters light up, casting a warm glow that illuminates for the first time their dirty and tattered clothing. Once this final transformation is complete, the four of them gaze down at the cardboard box, all looking quite miserable.]

REYNA: I am cold.

TSARINA: I am tired.

CAESAR: I am sick.

EMIR: I am hungry.

REYNA: Here, I found this half-eaten carrot by the gutter.

[REYNA is handing the carrot over to EMIR, when ROQUÉ walks by them, his back to the audience.]

CAESAR: [coughing] Why, it's Mr. Roqué. Please sir, can you bail us out? 

ROQUÉ: Here's a pretty penny--a karat is a measure of purity for gold.

[ROQUÉ walks off stage, his back always