Voids Fill Up Differently by Students of IACT (books for students to read txt) 📕

Day 7

Buzz.. buzz.. “I know you may not see your own value, but so many people do. You may not know this but you bring a smile to people's faces, and make their days better.” Days went by, and all hope I had for my planner to one day find itself back to my arms was slowly disappearing. Days went by, and all this stranger was doing was sending me encouraging messages, still annoying me to my core. Days went by, yet, thoughts of blocking them never crossed my mind. Was it because I was still hopeful that they would return my planner? Or was it because I was actually looking forward to these messages? It is rare that anyone even knows that I am upset. Due to this “tough” exterior I am able to demonstrate, people never really know how I am actually feeling. I just carry on, like everything is good and fine, but this is different.

 The thought of this person knowing the demons that I face every day, yet, they’re still sticking around, is exceptionally mind-blowing

. There’s a sort of comfort knowing that someone out there actually knows exactly what I'm feeling. It still wasn’t able to dispose the anxiousness I’m feeling at this exact moment. Here I was, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, stuffing my face with packets of Twisties in one sitting when I was supposed to be picking out a dress for Rani’s party tonight. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t gained any weight in the past year. It would be a miracle if any of my dressed even managed to slip up my hip. I finally mustered up the courage to walk to my wooden closet and pull on the handles of the door, exposing my tornado-like mess of a wardrobe. Brushing my hand through every fabric, I find myself worrying about what people would think if I wore these dresses.

 Scenarios after scenarios played around in my head. “Can you imagine what people would say when they walk behind you? The laughter that follows soon after. You’d be thinking, ‘Is it me? Are they laughing at how tight my clothes are, My size?’ As a matter of fact, THAT is exactly why they’re laughing at you,” uttered a voice in my head. I finally pick something out. Like many of my 4 dresses, this one was black. The only difference was, it was in the size 2XL, bigger than the rest of the dresses that resided in wardrobe. Putting it on was harder than expected, but with a lot of pulling and sucking in, I managed to get it on my body. The fabric felt soft against my body. It clung to my skin in an unflattering way instead of creating a sensual yet feminine silhouette. I pull on the sleeves in an attempt to loosen it. Looking in the mirror, my stomach churns at the sight. I was disgusted that I allowed myself to get to this point. From looking the way I do, to feeling the way I do.

Buzz.. buzz.. “Your past might be the reason why you hate yourself. If you cannot move passed a rejection from years ago, then it’s easy to feel bad for yourself. It’s easy to feel like no one is ever going to love you when you were turned against in the past. It’s easy to feel like the world is against you because of the way you look. Your darkest memories might eat you alive. It’s time to face that and figure out why you don’t see what I see.” Tears stained my screen as I read the message sent by the stranger. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the bigger girl. I remember having boobs as early as 11 years old, and I remember shopping in the women’s section for my size 16 jeans at 13 years old. When I was growing up, my weight hovered like an ever-present cloud, having a significant impact on the way people perceived me. When I say ‘people’, I mean my parents. Being brought up in a relatively ‘fit’ family, I felt like a black sheep and my family had no problem to make that feeling a reality. The constant comments – the reminders that I was fat and the insinuations that becoming thin should be my number one priority. I remember one day when I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Since I couldn’t eat anything, I lost 2 to 3kg. My mom’s response was to say “Well, let’s hope this continues.” Even when I came home crying after the kids in my school threw nasty insults my way, the words my parents used to comfort me were ‘suck it up’, ‘stop crying’, ‘you’re not going to lose weight by crying.’

Day 13

I'm usually very cautious of the things that are happening around me. But these days I find myself losing everything I own. First, I lose my planner, today, after looking up and down in college and my room, I realised I misplaced my favourite hoodie. I favoured it because It was big and its spacious interior kept me safe while giving me a sense of security and comfort. My strong attachment to that hoodie led me to the exact store where I got it, hoping that it was still on the shelves. As always, I had the worst of luck. Just as I got to the store, a long line stood ahead of me. Standing on my toes to look ahead of the crowd, a sign that said ‘Clearance sale. Everything must go’ caught my eye. No wonder it was packed. Usually, due to my social anxiety, I would not hesitate to turn the other way and just head home, but today, something felt different. I couldn’t put a finger on it, but I just didn’t care about the crowd and just give in. I found myself being pushed and shoved, left to right as customers rushed to grab the biggest deals the store has to offer.

My eyes scanned around the room, looking for my soon to be security blanket. There it was, seated right at the top of the aisle. I ran to its direction and grabbed it like my life depended on it. “Now, to pay and get out of here,” I muttered to myself. Just a split second later, I found myself face down on the ground. “I am so sorry!!!,” exclaimed a worried voice, as I felt a hand trying to raise me up to my feet. With my vision blurred, I stood up unsteadily. A rush of humiliation came over me, while the thoughts of people’s perception towards the situation I was in clouded my headspace. They were probably thinking about what a klutz I was. They could also be making fun of me,  I started to sweat, I was breathing deeply to catch my breath as my heart felt as though it was about to jump out of my chest. With my head held low, I bolted to the cashier, paid for my item with a RM100 bill and ran out without getting my change back. I found myself in the nearest public washroom trying to calm myself down from the sudden rush of panic. A familiar sound drew my attention away from my current state.

 Buzz..buzz... “If you ever find yourself stuck in a cloud of negativity, close your eyes and take a deep breath. I promise you, things will get better.” Like a knight in shining armour, the message resonated deeply within me. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, meditating on every word crafted by the stranger. I didn’t want to live my life like this anymore. The demons who currently had their prowling grip on me had to go. No longer am I going to escape into washroom stalls to catch a breather. I decided to close my eyes and take a few breaths in and out. It suddenly came to my mind all at once reminding me of my worth and the love I deserve, once compliment, thoughtful words, words of affirmation, one after another. The self-confidence gained from the compliments I got every day gave me the boost that I never thought I needed after all that happening. All these thoughts swooped the negative thoughts I had away. After having a short sudden panic I finally calmed down and went home.

Day 24

As soon as I stepped foot at the entrance of my house, a faint sob was heard echoing the room. Following the direction of the sound, it led me to Liza’s doorstep. Confusion and worry came over me as I realise she must be in trouble. Not wanting to startle her, I left a soft knock on her door. “Hey, it’s me... Is everything okay?” I asked as soon as the sobs came to an abrupt stop. The door opened, exposing her swollen face. An explosion of tears streamed down her face like a waterfall. She looked at me with her bloodshot eyes- the protruding red vessels indicating the hours she must have spent crying. “I accidentally deleted one of my final projects and there’s no way for me to get it back now..,” she uttered in between tears. “My group mates are pissed. They told me that I’m not capable of anything. I ruined everything.”

The frustration in her voice mirrored the emotions she was feeling. Guilty feelings like this is a familiar friend to me. I know exactly how she felt but I also knew what a capable person she was. Without hesitation, I opened my mouth, attempting to comfort her. “Mistakes happen, sometimes it's beyond our control. But making mistakes doesn’t automatically make you less capable. You just learn from it and do better.” As soon as those words left my mouth, a sudden flow of realisation hit me. Did I actually say that? “Never stop believing in yourself. Never lose faith in yourself. Never doubt your own potential.” The exact message from the anonymous stranger flashed through my mind, and I realised that right now, Liza was mirroring me whilst I took the place of my mysterious texter. “Hmm... That’s true,” She responded as she wipes the tears on her cheeks with her sleeves.

 I felt joy from my heart that I’ve never felt before. I have never thought that I would be able to encourage someone until I comforted Liza. That’s when it hit me. Life is not all about negativity and sadness. Through every mountains and storm life throws at us, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and right now, this is the light my heart has been longing for. All it took was for someone else to believe in me at my lowest. I’ve not completely come out of the darkness yet, but I'm slowly allowing the lights to come in through the pracks. Uncovering my phone from my backpack, my fingers brushed the top of my screen- “Thank you for believing in me. Now, it’s my turn to believe in myself.”