Voids Fill Up Differently by Students of IACT (books for students to read txt) 📕

She lost her virginity?? Wow, that escalated quickly. I thought people back then were like nuns and a total prude. That no-sex-before-marriage kind of people but guess I was wrong.

I noticed the later entries are more thinned out. It wasn't on consecutive days anymore but rather one entry in a span of two to three days. This time it was filled with fluff entries - assignments, dates and family life. But enter June, it started to become dark. Her entries become more doubtful, confused and lost.

18 June

Hey, diary. I sort of have a problem. Have you ever feel like your intentionally left out? Like all of a sudden, you can't relate to your own boyfriend. I'm sorry I don't smoke and I don't get myself into marijuana. I know his friends sort of don’t want me there because I'm too much of a goody-two-shoes for them. They called me a dictator because of my bossy tendencies during group assignments. Dickson even agreed with them! I can't help it okay. I need that CGPA for my scholarship. At least within that group our mutual friend, Xuet Qi was there to keep me company. I'm glad she's there for me when my boyfriend is being a bastard nowadays. But I love him. I just got to continue loving him. Pretend as if nothing is wrong because he is happy this way with his friends right? I think I lost it, asking a diary for advice haha.

Relatable. That was the only comment I had. I understood what she was going through so much. I wonder if this belonged to one of the previous tenants here because I really want to meet her. I feel like we can get along well.

The diary soon became sporadic at this point. It was updated biweekly sometimes even in every three weeks but the entries were getting worrisome and sad to read. She wasn't treated right, even I could see that. He was oblivious to her feelings I swear.

16 September

Diary…. Dickson wanted Xuet Qi to join in our couple hangout session today since she was nearby. She's my friend too, so I was right not to reject her right? I mean, the more the merrier right? It aches to see him smile at her sometimes. I mean ...I shouldn't be controlling and selfish to have Dickson alone. Nothing's wrong, right? I'm just being paranoid. They're just close friends...that's all.

What the hell. I mean he even left her alone at an amusement park once during a group date after that. All because this Xuet Qi girl had a panic attack and decided to hide herself somewhere. He had the nerve to even mope about it the day after when they were having a study date. The worst part was that she said it was okay for him to act this way the whole time!

But somehow...I relate to that because damn, I do that to my own boyfriend too. Saying okay despite being not okay to avoid conflict with him. Selling myself short for his happiness, was it? I laughed at myself bitterly.

And just when I thought I couldn't be more infuriated, I went through this part of the diary.

2 October

My period is late. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I..I...

3 October

It's still not here yet. I told Dickson but he just said maybe it's my stress and that I'm freaking out over nothing. Yeah, I think he's right. Yeah. I just...got to calm down. But what if I. No I mustn't think of that. Happy thoughts. Believe in God. Yeah. Just stay calm.

4 October

It still isn't here. I messed up.

Another four more entries of the same nature, a total of seven days, before her period came.

I know that fear. That irrational yet rational fear. Like you know you took the precautions but the thought of 'what if' was very haunting. And honestly what kind of boyfriend is this? His girlfriend was freaking out but he acted like he couldn't be bothered. He even dared to pick a fight with her later when she's down, leaving her to hang out with his friends and that other girl. All in the name of giving her 'space' to chill. Why didn't she just dump this guy?

11 October

Shit, I blew up. I messed up. I got so mad I told him that since he always gave me 'space' when I was moody, let's have space. I regret it so much. Why did I say that? WHY? Please come back. Don't leave me. Take me back, please.

12 October

He left. He up-ed and left me. He ended things with me. Why? Why? Why? Why? No. Please no. Come back.

Reading those entries gave me goosebumps. It felt so real. The water stain marks left on the book, the messy handwriting, the slightly scrunched pages, the dark reddish-brown spots on the page - all evidence of the pain it left in her heart. A pain that I can resonate with her. All there's left is one final entry. I took a gulp, turning the page one last time and read it.

26 October

Dear diary. I can't believe it. I got replaced haha by none other than Xuet Qi herself. Wasn't she...my friend? Just two weeks ago, she was helping me to get over him. But...she…

He's telling people I freaked out over my period to gain his attention, that I'm guilt-tripping his beloved current girlfriend, that I made him feel unwanted.

Did I do that? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Maybe I did without noticing it. Was I that bad of a girlfriend? Am I that bad of a person? What did I do to deserve all of this?

His friends messaged me...said that I was a..a...a female dog who was selfish and never cared for my own boyfriend. A control freak and a dictator who only cares for herself. My friends...they believed him too. The looks they gave me earlier….

It's so scary….

Mama found out about my boyfriend too. She's not talking to me. She said she works hard for me to study and yet I'm playing around with a guy. She said I lost her trust.

I can't take it anymore. Everything's a mess. Life's a mess. Should I take the easy way out? It hurts. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm such a bother to everyone, aren't I? I should just….

Yeah….

Maybe I should….

No one would miss me either way.

I guess this is the end of Geraldine Lim's life story ha.

I felt boiling rage at all the accusations thrown to the girl. She was just trying her best. How could they call her that way? But then, I noticed something...that made my already crashing world, crash some more.

"Geraldine Lim? But...that's my mum's name…. That's impossible. My mum isn't like this. She's this superwoman that can make the impossible possible not this...messed up girl….that ended her life," I thought.

I frantically sped through the whole diary again. Not missing a single entry this time. This time I picked up the bits and pieces of info that hints the truth. I searched through the box again too and found pictures of my mum's look-alike, or rather my mum herself.

Is that why she limps? Because she attempted to...

A knock on the door came jolting me out of my trance.

"Hey Ella, I made your favourite soup. It's best if you could drink it when it's warm. So come out as soon as possible ya." my mum's voice echoed into my room.

I tried to reply but my voice just wouldn't come out. All I could do was stare. Stare at the wooden door in my sight. The only thing that separates the two of us now.

Oh God! I called her a control freak earlier too...I was no different from them.

"Ella, I know you're still mad at me. I admit...I may have gone too far. But believe me...I just did it to protect you. I... did not want you to get hurt....in any way. But instead, I made you hurt too didn't I?" she said softly. "Do you know why I named you Isabella? It is because you were my promise to God to raise you up to the very best I can. A promise to protect you, so that you don't repeat the same mistakes I did. Mistakes that are hard to undo. I love you so much Isabella Chan Meng Yao"

Before I knew it, my feet lead me to the door. I opened up the door, jumped straight right to my mum's unexpected arm and cried. "I'm sorry Ma. I'm sorry," I apologized over and over again, almost like a prayer.

There wasn't a single reason that I could pinpoint for the tears running down my cheeks. Maybe it was the leftover pain of losing a boyfriend. Maybe it was the guilt I had for misunderstanding my mum; for saying things I didn't mean. Maybe it was for my own pitiful state, for allowing others to determine my self-worth.

Either or, I cried. I cried everything out, everything I've held on to these past weeks, past months, past years. All into the warmth comfort around me, which is my mum as she softly cradled me as if I was her little baby once more. I feel at home...for once. The thoughts of the diary were left forgotten at the foot of my bean bag. The diary that maybe, perhaps salvaged the broken bond I had with my mother.

"Ma I love you so much. Thank you."

"I love you too, my beloved daughter."

Mirage

Joshua She, Melissa Royan, Ke Xin, Ryan Khoo

Round and round goes the damned fan again. The creaking sound of the blades is really starting to get on my nerves. As I continue to lay in bed, I look around and see what an impressive mess I've made of my room. 

       I should probably start cleaning it up, I really seemed to have let myself go. All my clothes are piling on that poor chair, but I don't have to fold my laundry, I'm just gonna use that Uniqlo shirt again anyways. Ugh… I got booze all over the sheets again, it's all brown and sticky. Its making the place stink. I wish she was here, she'd have fixed everything before I even noticed…… nah, I'd definitely notice her nagging.

Getting up, I draw the curtains, letting the harsh sunlight blaze in. A sad attempt to somewhat sanitize the room. Sounds pathetic but hey, at least I'm doing something. I never enjoyed cleaning but if I keep this up, I’d probably have to do my laundry soon.

How long have I been awake for? I ask myself as I reach for my phone to check the time. It’s just another sunny Saturday afternoon, except today, I’ve decided that I’m going to end my two year relationship with my soon to be ex girlfriend, Amelia.

Amelia and I