The Complete Works of William Shakespeare by William Shakespeare (moboreader .TXT) 📕

BARDOLPH. It is a life that I have desir’d; I will thrive.

PISTOL. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield? Exit BARDOLPH

NYM. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?

FALSTAFF. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer-he kept not time.

NYM. The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest.

PISTOL. ‘Convey’ the wise it call. ‘Steal’ foh! A fico for the phrase!

FALSTAFF. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

PISTOL. Why, then, let kibes ensue.

FALSTAFF. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.

PISTOL. Young ravens must have food.

FALSTAFF. Which of you know Ford of this town?

PISTOL. I ken the wight; he is of substance good.

FALSTAFF. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

PISTOL. Two yards, and more.

FALSTAFF. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be English’d rightly, is ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’

PISTOL. He hath studied her well, and translated her will out of honesty into English.

NYM. The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?

FALSTAFF. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.

PISTOL. As many devils entertain; and ‘To her, boy,’ say I.

NYM. The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.

FALSTAFF. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examin’d my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

PISTOL. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

NYM. I thank thee for that humour.

FALSTAFF. O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

PISTOL. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!

NYM. I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.

FALSTAFF. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly;

Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.

Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof; seek shelter, pack!

Falstaff will learn the humour of the age; French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.

Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN

PISTOL. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,

And high and low beguiles the rich and poor; Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!

NYM. I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.

PISTOL. Wilt thou revenge?

NYM. By welkin and her star!

PISTOL. With wit or steel?

NYM. With both the humours, I.

I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

PISTOL. And I to Ford shall eke unfold

How Falstaff, varlet vile,

His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.

NYM. My humour shall not cool; I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.

PISTOL. Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on. Exeunt

SCENE 4.

DOCTOR CAIUS’S house

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY

QUICKLY. What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.

RUGBY. I’ll go watch.

QUICKLY. Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit RUGBY] An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?

SIMPLE. Ay, for fault of a better.

QUICKLY. And Master Slender’s your master?

SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth.

QUICKLY. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?

SIMPLE. No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colour’d beard.

QUICKLY. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.

QUICKLY. How say you? O, I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE. Yes, indeed, does he.

QUICKLY. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!

Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish-Re-enter RUGBY

RUGBY. Out, alas! here comes my master.

QUICKLY. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home. [Singing]

And down, down, adown-a, etc.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

CAIUS. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert-a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box.

QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad he went not in himself; if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour-la grande affaire.

QUICKLY. Is it this, sir?

CAIUS. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere is dat knave, Rugby?

QUICKLY. What, John Rugby? John!

RUGBY. Here, sir.

CAIUS. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby.

Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

RUGBY. ‘Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

CAIUS. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me! Qu’ai j’oublie?

Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

QUICKLY. Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad!

CAIUS. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron!

[Pulling SIMPLE out] Rugby, my rapier!

QUICKLY. Good master, be content.

CAIUS. Wherefore shall I be contenta?

QUICKLY. The young man is an honest man.

CAIUS. What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

QUICKLY. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

CAIUS. Vell?

SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—

QUICKLY. Peace, I pray you.

CAIUS. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

SIMPLE. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage.

QUICKLY. This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need not.

CAIUS. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some paper.

Tarry you a little-a-while. [Writes]

QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet; if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master-I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself-SIMPLE. [Aside to QUICKLY] ‘Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.

QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avis’d o’ that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding-to tell you in your ear, I would have no words of it-my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind-that’s neither here nor there.

CAIUS. You jack’nape; give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge; I will cut his troat in de park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. Exit SIMPLE

QUICKLY. Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

CAIUS. It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

QUICKLY. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What the goodyear!

CAIUS. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door.

Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY

QUICKLY. You shall have-An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that; never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

FENTON. [Within] Who’s within there? ho!

QUICKLY. Who’s there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.

Enter FENTON

FENTON. How now, good woman, how dost thou?

QUICKLY. The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

FENTON. What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

QUICKLY. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

FENTON. Shall I do any good, think’st thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

QUICKLY. Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

FENTON. Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

QUICKLY. Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company! But, indeed, she is given too much to allicholy and musing; but for you-well, go to.

FENTON. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest her before me, commend me.

QUICKLY. Will I? I’ faith, that we will; and I