Voids Fill Up Differently by Students of IACT (books for students to read txt) 📕

I fished out my phone from my pants pocket. 3 new messages from Matthew.

hey E, u finish the physics worksheet dy???

can u take pic of the answers 4 me, thx

im goin 2 play a few rounds of league wit my frens so dont be clingy and expect a reply

          That’s all he ever texts me for. Homework answers. Feeling brave, I laid down on my back and typed out a reply.

Hey Matt, I’ve been doing some thinking and I think you’re not being a very good friend

U only look 4 me when u want smthg and u put me down for every little thing i do

My sister told me this isn’t a very healthy friendship, and I think she’s right

I knew what I needed to say, but it didn’t make it any easier. I watched the cursor blink, the texts above it with only two grey ticks. He’ll probably only see the messages at midnight. With shaking hands and vision blurred, I tap on ‘Send’ before I could change my mind.

I think it's better if we stopped being friends

          Doing this should be easy. I’m letting go of someone who isn’t good for me. Staying in this friendship would ultimately just slowly chip away at my self-esteem and confidence. I never knew what a friend was in my old school, which made Matthew seem like the greatest person ever for talking to me.

          So why is this so hard? A loud sob wracked through my body before I could stop it. With shaking fingers I switched my phone off and threw my phone to the other side of the bed, not thinking about the repercussions of it bouncing off the surface. I curled on my side, my tears staining my sheets. I was silently grateful that jie closed the door behind her when she left.

          After what felt like hours, my eyes slip shut, tired and dry. As I fell asleep, I was reminded of the nights I would cry like this when I was still in my old school. Instead of my body that was bruised up and tattered, I realised it was my heart and mind. I had allowed myself to be in this friendship for so long oblivious to the fact that it had taken a toll on me.

          With the curiosity of what Matthew would reply to my messages at the back of my head, fell into slumber.

          I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes and a crusty feeling from not taking a shower after class. I should have known better than to fall asleep without showering in Malaysia’s humid weather. I noticed that my socks were no longer on my feet and my shirt untucked from my pants. Either jie came in to check on me again, or my parents did. Hopefully it wasn’t the latter. I don’t want them thinking that sending me to this school was a bad idea like the last one.

          I turned my head to look out the window, a ray of light shining through the half-drawn curtains bathing my face with its warm glow. My stomach growled from not eating dinner the night before. I closed my eyes to stretch, trying to loosen up my stiff muscles from sleeping in the same position for too long. After turning to the other side, I opened my eyes to see my phone sitting dangerously close to the edge of the bed.

          I reached out my hand to grab my phone before it could fall and the screen cracks into a spiderweb pattern. Clicking on the home button, I saw a dozen messages from Matthew and a dozen more missed calls.

          My body shot up like a coiled spring when the memories of last night came back to me. My blood ran cold and the dread from yesterday returned. I debated on opening the messages later, to pretend that I didn’t see it. It was already 10am on a Thursday and I’m supposed to be in school but no one came to wake me up. 

          Not like anyone would miss me. Matthew is probably done with me and hanging out with his other friends. The messages he sent just to cut ties with me and to tell me  he didn’t need me as his friend.

          Fear crept into my heart, is that how it is. Am I without a friend again? Even if Matthew was mean to me, at least I had someone to have meals with and to do my work with. I should apologise before Matthew is really done with me. Before I could open Whatsapp, ma appeared at the door.

          “Good morning Ethan,” she greeted with a smile on her face. “Jie told us that you were not feeling well so I took the day off. Glad you’re feeling better now.”

          “Morning,” I mumbled from the bed, relieved that Jie did not say anything about Matthew.

          “Oh ya, Matthew is here to see you,” she continued. “I think he heard you were sick and came to visit you, how nice. I ask him to come in ah?”

          “Who?” I exclaimed, shock evident in my voice. What is he doing here? Is he here to yell at me? Tell me how worthless I am? He couldn’t do that, not with ma here.

          She looked at me with a slight frown on her face. “Matthew’s here, your friend?”

          “Oh right,” I cleared my throat. “No need to come up, I’ll meet him downstairs.” I walked past my her, knowing she was suspicious of my behaviour. I used to not shut up about Matthew, telling her about how I had a friend to hang out with every day. The smile on her face was always full of relief, knowing it was a good idea for me to change schools.

Not to say that ma wasn’t observant, but she was more than happy that there were no longer new bruises and cuts appearing on my body. Now that I think about it, I don’t think anybody noticed the effect that my friendship with Matthew had on me. Not until Jie……

I went downstairs and peeped out the main door. I could see Matthew in our school uniform, standing awkwardly next to the green Alam Flora rubbish bin. It was weird to see him like that, he was usually standing with his head held high.

Taking a deep breath, I prepared for the worst. He looked up when he heard the loud creak of the metal grill that led to the inside of our house. His eyes were round with shock followed by relief. His stained white shirt was messily tucked in and his hair sticking out in different directions.

“Eh hi,” Matthew greeted with a smile on his face. “You came out to see me, I knew your texts were just a joke.”

Through the bars of the autogate I could see his expressions clearly, but maybe he couldn’t see mine.

“It’s not a joke. I think we should stop being friends,” I replied. The smile on his face fell but his stare was unwavering. Suddenly I was too conscious about my red-rimmed eyes and clothes from yesterday. Obviously unchanged from the wrinkles and creases.

A long silence.

This seemed like a common re-occurrence, but it doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable.  The sun is starting to shift from warm to scorching, making the air between us even more uncomfortable. I hope this conversation ends so I could escape the sweltering heat, and of course the awkward confrontation.

Matthew let out a scoff, a look of disbelief on his face. “And here I was thinking to give you a second chance.”

A second chance? What was he talking about?

“Check your phone,” he snipped.

I lifted my hand to take a look at my lockscreen. Sure enough, the dozen messages were variants of Matthew saying he would give me a second chance and he will see me in school the next day.

“Why are you giving me a second chance?”

“Cause I know you don’t really want to end the friendship,” he laughed. “I mean come on lah if you’re not friends with me who else do you have? And what does your sister know? It’s not like she is part of the friendship also.”

I wanted to have a good defence to that statement, but I had nothing. He was right, I had no one else.

“Who has been the one eating break and lunch with you?” he asked.

“And going home with you, picking you for their team during PE,” he continued when met with silence. “There’s nothing wrong with this friendship, you’re just overthinking. You always do that.”

I shifted from one foot to the other, the late morning sun now the least of my problems. Unlike Matthew who moved so now he is under the old mango tree. His confidence stance back.

“I can even compromise with you if you want,” he said as if he was doing me a favour. “I won’t say mean things to you anymore. I’ll change lah if that’s what you want.”

He moved forward to put his hand through the metal bars for a handshake, “What do you say? Friends?”

I stared at the extended hand in front of me. He’ll change? He has said it before, but he looks serious about it this time. Maybe he really will change, my heart now lighter with relief and happiness.

“Did you ponteng class to come here?” I asked, fingers fidgeting where it rested by my side.

“Of course lah, what are friends for. Correct or not?” he responded as a matter of factly.

I couldn’t help the small smile that lifted my cheeks. Friends.

A few months had passed since that day. True to his word, he stopped making sharp mean comments. He also texts me weird things he found on the internet. For a while, I really thought he had changed, that we were going to have a friendship that went both ways. I know Jie still doesn’t approve and ma and pa were still oblivious, but I was happy. I had a friend again. I should have known it was too good to be true. Eventually he stopped texting, the only time I see his name light up on my phone would be him asking for answers.

It was lunchtime and I was eating my food at the canteen, when suddenly Matthew appeared in front of me.

“Thank God you have food bro I was starving,” he said as he slurped down my bowl of bihun sup, snatching the chopsticks from my hand. “I’m going for football after this and I didn’t want to play on an empty stomach.”

He put down the bowl with a burp of satisfaction. “Thanks bro, you’re the best.”

The words left my mouth before he could leave, “You said you would change, but all you care about is still yourself.”

A Lonely Spirit In December

Aisyah Hanim, Annabelle Chia, Kathryn, Jerry 

She took off her round glasses to rub at her eyes before taking the last gulp of her pint after looking at the pendant of her mother that she always carries around. “Ah Moi, we’re