The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare (best summer books txt) 📕
Dro. E. To me, sir? why, you gave no gold to me.
Ant. S. Come on, sir knave, have done your foolishness, And tell me how thou hast disposed thy charge.
Dro. E. My charge was but to fetch you from the mart Home to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner: 75 My mistress and her sister stays for you.
Ant. S. Now, as I am a Christian, answer me, In what safe place you have bestow'd my money; Or I shall break that merry sconce of yours, That stands on tricks when I am undisposed: 80 Where is the thousand marks thou hadst of me?
Dro. E. I have some marks of yours upon my pate, Some of my mistress' marks upon my shoulders; But not a thousand marks between you both. If I should pay your worship those again, 85 Perchance you will not bear them patiently.
Ant. S. Thy mistress' marks? what mistress, slave, hast thou?
Dro. E. Your worship's wife, my mistress at the Phoenix; She that doth
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- Author: William Shakespeare
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Luc. Why pratest thou to thyself, and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!
Dro. S. I am transformed, master, am I not?
195 Ant. S. I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
Dro. S. Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
Ant. S. Thou hast thine own form.
Dro. S.
No, I am an ape.
Luc. If thou art chang’d to aught, ’tis to an ass.
Dro. S. ’Tis true; she rides me, and I long for grass.
200 ’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
Adr. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
205 Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.
Husband, I’ll dine above with you to-day,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.
210 Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.
Ant. S. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
215 And in this mist at all adventures go.
Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
Adr. Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
Luc. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
Exeunt.
ACT III. III. 1 Scene I. Before the house of Antipholus of Ephesus. Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar.Ant. E. Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
5 And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
10 Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
Dro. E. Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
Ant. E. I think thou art an ass.
15 Dro. E.
Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick’d; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
Ant. E. You’re sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
20 May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
Bal. I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
Ant. E. O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
Bal. Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
25 Ant. E. And welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words.
Bal. Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
Ant. E. Ay to a niggardly host and more sparing guest:
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
30 But, soft! my door is lock’d.—Go bid them let us in.
Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
Dro. S. [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store,
35 When one is one too many? Go get thee from the door,
Dro. E. What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
Dro. S. [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho, open the door!
Dro. S. [Within] Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.
40 Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.
Dro. S. [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.
Ant. E. What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
Dro. S. [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
Dro. E. O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name!
45 The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
Luce. [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?
Dro. E. Let my master in, Luce.
Luce.
[Within] Faith, no; he comes too late;
And so tell your master.
50 Dro. E.
O Lord, I must laugh!
Have at you with a proverb;—Shall I set in my staff?
Luce. [Within] Have at you with another; that’s, —When? can you tell?
Dro. S. [Within] If thy name be call’d Luce, —Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.
Ant. E. Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?
Luce. [Within] I thought to have ask’d you.
55 Dro. S.
[Within] And you said no.
Dro. E. So, come, help:—well struck! there was blow for blow.
Ant. E. Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce.
[Within] Can you tell for whose sake?
Dro. E. Master, knock the door hard.
Luce.
[Within] Let him knock till it ache.
Ant. E. You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
60 Luce. [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Adr. [Within] Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
Dro. S. [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
Ant. E. Are you, there, wife? you might have come before.
Adr. [Within] Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.
65 Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, this ‘knave’ would go sore.
Aug. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.
Bal. In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
Dro. E. They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
Ant. E. There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
70 Dro. E. You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
Ant. E. Go fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate.
Dro. S. [Within] Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
75 Dro. E. A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
Dro. S. [Within] It seems thou want’st breaking: out upon thee, hind!
Dro. E. Here’s too much ‘out upon thee!’ I pray thee, let me in.
Dro. S. [Within] Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.
80 Ant. E. Well, I’ll break in:—go borrow me a crow.
Dro. E. A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather:
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
Ant. E. Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
85 Bal. Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
Th’ unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,
90 Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
95 And let us to the Tiger all to dinner;
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
100 A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation,
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
105 For slander lives upon succession,
For ever housed where it gets possession.
Ant. E. You have prevail’d: I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
110 Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
To her will we to dinner. [To Ang.] Get you home,
115 And fetch the chain; by this I know ’tis made:
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
For there’s the house: that chain will I bestow—
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
120 Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
Ang. I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
Ant. E. Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.
Exeunt.
III. 2 Scene II. The same. Enter Luciana and Antipholus of Syracuse.Luc. And may it be that you have quite forgot
A husband’s office? shall, Antipholus,
Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?
Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?
5 If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth’s sake use her with more kindness:
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;
Muffle your false love with some show of blindness:
Let not my sister read it in your eye;
10 Be not thy tongue thy own shame’s orator;
Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty;
Apparel vice like virtue’s harbinger;
Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted;
Teach
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