The Alchemist by Ben Jonson (if you liked this book TXT) 📕

By this hand of flesh,
  Would it might never write good court-hand more,
  If I discover. What do you think of me,
  That I am a chiaus?

  FACE. What's that?

  DAP. The Turk was here.
  As one would say, do you think I am a Turk?

  FACE. I'll tell the doctor so.

  DAP. Do, good sweet captain.

  FACE. Come, noble doctor, pray thee let's prevail;
  This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus.

  SUB. Captain, I have return'd you all my answer.
  I would do much, sir, for your love—But this
  I neither may, nor can.

  FACE. Tut, do not say so.
  You deal now with a noble fellow, doctor,
  One that will thank you richly; and he is no chiaus:
  Let that, sir, move you.

  SUB. Pray you, forbear—

  FACE. He has
  Four angels here.

  SUB. You do me wrong, good sir.

  FACE. Doctor, wherein? to tempt you with these spirits?

  SUB. To tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril.
  Fore heaven, I scarce can think you are my friend,
  That so would draw me to apparent danger.

  FACE. I draw you! a horse draw you, and a halter,
  You, and your flies together—

  DAP. Nay, good captain.

  FACE. That know no difference of men.

  SUB. Good words, sir.

  FACE. Good deeds, sir, doctor dogs-meat. 'Slight, I bring you
  No cheating Clim o' the Cloughs or Claribels,
  That look as big as five-and-fifty, and flush;
  And spit out secrets like hot custard—

  DAP. Captain!

  FACE. Nor any melancholic under-scribe,
  Shall tell the vicar; but a special gentle,
  That is the heir to forty marks a year,
  Consorts with the small poets of the time,
  Is the sole hope of his old grandmother;
  That knows the law, and writes you six fair hands,
  Is a fine clerk, and has his cyphering perfect.
  Will take his oath o' the Greek Testament,
  If need be, in his pocket; and can court
  His mistress out of Ovid.

  DAP. Nay, dear captain—

  FACE. Did you not tell me so?

  DAP. Yes; but I'd have you
  Use master doctor with some more respect.

  FACE. Hang him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head!—
  But for your sake, I'd choak, ere I would change
  An article of breath with such a puckfist:
  Come, let's be gone.

  [GOING.]

  SUB. Pray you let me speak with you.

  DAP. His worship calls you, captain.

  FACE. I am sorry
  I e'er embark'd myself in such a business.

  DAP. Nay, good sir; he did call you.

  FACE. Will he take then?

  SUB. First, hear me—

  FACE. Not a syllable, 'less you take.

  SUB. Pray you, sir—

  FACE. Upon no terms but an assumpsit.

  SUB. Your humour must be law.
  [HE TAKES THE FOUR ANGELS.]

  FACE. Why now, sir, talk.
  Now I dare hear you with mine honour. Speak.
  So may this gentleman too.

  SUB. Why, sir—
  [OFFERING TO WHISPER FACE.]

  FACE. No whispering.

  SUB. Fore heaven, you do not apprehend the loss
  You do yourself in this.

  FACE. Wherein? for what?

  SUB. Marry, to be so importunate for one,
  That, when he has it, will undo you all:
  He'll win up all the money in the town.

  FACE. How!

  SUB. Yes, and blow up gamester after gamester,
  As they do crackers in a puppet-play.
  If I do give him a familiar,
  Give you him all you play for; never set him:
  For he will have it.

  FACE. You are mistaken, doctor.
  Why he does ask one but for cups and horses,
  A rifling fly; none of your great familiars.

  DAP. Yes, captain, I would have it for all games.

  SUB. I told you so.

  FACE [TAKING DAP. ASIDE]. 'Slight, that is a new business!
  I understood you, a tame bird, to fly
  Twice in a term, or so, on Friday nights,
  When you had left the office, for a nag
  Of forty or fifty shillings.

  DAP. Ay, 'tis true, sir;
  But I do think now I shall leave the law,
  And therefore—

  FACE. Why, this changes quite the case.
  Do you think that I dare move him?

  DAP. If you please, sir;
  All's one to him, I see.

  FACE. What! for that money?
  I cannot with my conscience; nor should you
  Make the request, methinks.

  DAP. No, sir, I mean
  To add consideration.

  FACE. Why then, sir,
  I'll try.—
  [GOES TO SUBTLE.]
  Say that it were for all games, doctor.

  SUB. I say then, not a mouth shall eat for him
  At any ordinary, but on the score,
  That is a gaming mouth, conceive me.

  FACE. Indeed!

  SUB. He'll draw you all the treasure of the realm,
  If it be set him.

  FACE. Speak you this from art?

  SUB. Ay, sir, and reason too, the ground of art.
  He is of the only best complexion,
  The queen of Fairy loves.

  FACE. What! is he?

  SUB. Peace.
  He'll overhear you. Sir, should she but see him—

  FACE. What?

  SUB. Do not you tell him.

  FACE. Will he win at cards too?

  SUB. The spirits of dead Holland, living Isaac,
  You'd swear, were in him; such a vigorous luck
  As cannot be resisted. 'Slight, he'll put
  Six of your gallants to a cloke, indeed.

  FACE. A strange success, that some man shall be born to.

  SUB. He hears you, man—

  DAP. Sir, I'll not be ingrateful.

  FACE. Faith, I have confidence in his good nature:
  You hear, he says he will not be ingrateful.

  SUB. Why, as you please; my venture follows yours.

  FACE. Troth, do it, doctor; think him trusty, and make him.
  He may make us both happy in an hour;
  Win some five thousand pound, and send us two on't.

  DAP. Believe it, and I will, sir.

  FACE. And you shall, sir.
  [TAKES HIM ASIDE.]
  You have heard all?

  DAP. No, what was't? Nothing, I, sir.

  FACE. Nothing!

  DAP. A little, sir.

  FACE. Well, a rare star
  Reign'd at your birth.

  DAP. At mine, sir! No.

  FACE. The doctor
  Swears that you are—

  SUB. Nay, captain, you'll tell all now.

  FACE. Allied to the queen of Fairy.

  DAP. Who! that I am?
  Believe it, no such matter—

  FACE. Yes, and that
  You were born with a cawl on your head.

  DAP. Who says so?

  FACE. Come,
  You know it well enough, though you dissemble it.

  DAP. I'fac, I do not; you are mistaken.

  FACE. How!
  Swear by your fac, and in a thing so known
  Unto the doctor? How shall we, sir, trust you
  In the other matter? can we ever think,
  When you have won five or six thousand pound,
  You'll send us shares in't, by this rate?

  DAP. By Jove, sir,
  I'll win ten thousand pound, and send you half.
  I'fac's no oath.

  SUB. No, no, he did but jest.

  FACE. Go to. Go thank the doctor: he's your friend,
  To take it so.

  DAP. I thank his worship.

  FACE. So!
  Another angel.

  DAP. Must I?

  FACE. Must you! 'slight,
  What else is thanks? will you be trivial?—Doctor,
  [DAPPER GIVES HIM THE MONEY.]
  When must he come for his familiar?

  DAP. Shall I not have it with me?

  SUB. O, good sir!
  There must a world of ceremonies pass;
  You must be bath'd and fumigated first:
  Besides the queen of Fairy does not rise
  Till it be noon.

  FACE. Not, if she danced, to-night.

  SUB. And she must bless it.

  FACE. Did you never see
  Her royal grace yet?

  DAP. Whom?

  FACE. Your aunt of Fairy?

  SUB. Not since she kist him in the cradle, captain;
  I can resolve you that.

  FACE. Well, see her grace,
  Whate'er it cost you, for a thing that I know.
  It will be somewhat hard to compass; but
  However, see her. You are made, believe it,
  If you can see her. Her grace is a lone woman,
  And very rich; and if she take a fancy,
  She will do strange things. See her, at any hand.
  'Slid, she may hap to leave you all she has:
  It is the doctor's fear.

  DAP. How will't be done, then?

  FACE. Let me alone, take you no thought. Do you
  But say to me, captain, I'll see her grace.

  DAP. "Captain, I'll see her grace."

  FACE. Enough.

  [KNOCKING WITHIN.]

  SUB. Who's there?
  Anon.
  [ASIDE TO FACE.]
  —Conduct him forth by the back way.—
  Sir, against one o'clock prepare yourself;
  Till when you must be fasting; only take
  Three drops of vinegar in at your nose,
  Two at your mouth, and one at either ear;
  Then bathe your fingers' ends and wash your eyes,
  To sharpen your five senses, and cry "hum"
  Thrice, and then "buz" as often; and then come.

  [EXIT.]

  FACE. Can you remember this?

  DAP. I warrant you.

  FACE. Well then, away. It is but your bestowing
  Some twenty nobles 'mong her grace's servants,
  And put on a clean shirt: you do not know
  What grace her grace may do you in clean linen.

  [EXEUNT FACE AND DAPPER.]

  SUB [WITHIN]. Come in! Good wives, I pray you forbear me now;
  Troth I can do you no good till afternoon—
  [RE-ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY DRUGGER.]
  What is your name, say you? Abel Drugger?

  DRUG. Yes, sir.

  SUB. A seller of tobacco?

  DRUG. Yes, sir.

  SUB. Umph!
  Free of the grocers?

  DRUG. Ay, an't please you.

  SUB. Well—
  Your business, Abel?

  DRUG. This, an't please your worship;
  I am a young beginner, and am building
  Of a new shop, an't like your worship, just
  At corner of a street:—Here is the plot on't—
  And I would know by art, sir, of your worship,
  Which way I should make my door, by necromancy,
  And where my shelves; and which should be for boxes,
  And which for pots. I would be glad to thrive, sir:
  And I was wish'd to your worship by a gentleman,
  One captain Face, that says you know men's planets,
  And their good angels, and their bad.

  SUB. I do,
  If I do see them—

  [RE-ENTER FACE.]

  FACE. What! my honest Abel?
  Though art well met here.

  DRUG. Troth, sir, I was speaking,
  Just as your worship came here, of your worship:
  I pray you speak for me to master doctor.

  FACE. He shall do any thing.—Doctor, do you hear?
  This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow;
  He lets me have good tobacco, and he does not
  Sophisticate it with sack-lees or oil,
  Nor washes it in muscadel and grains,
  Nor buries it in gravel, under ground,
  Wrapp'd up in greasy leather, or piss'd clouts:
  But keeps it in fine lily pots, that, open'd,
  Smell like conserve of roses, or French beans.
  He has his maple block, his silver tongs,
  Winchester pipes, and fire of Juniper:
  A neat, spruce, honest fellow, and no goldsmith.

  SUB. He is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on.

  FACE. Already, sir, have you found it? Lo thee, Abel!

  SUB. And in right way toward riches—

  FACE. Sir!

  SUB. This summer
  He will be of the clothing of his company,
  And next spring call'd to the scarlet; spend what he can.

  FACE. What, and so little beard?

  SUB. Sir, you must think,
  He may have a receipt to make hair come:
  But he'll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine for't;
  His fortune looks for him another way.

  FACE. 'Slid, doctor, how canst thou know this so soon?
  I am amused at that!

  SUB. By a rule, captain,
  In metoposcopy, which I do work by;
  A certain star in the forehead, which you see not.
  Your chestnut or your olive-colour'd face
  Does never fail: and your long ear doth promise.
  I knew't by certain spots, too, in his teeth,
  And on the nail of his mercurial finger.

  FACE. Which finger's that?

  SUB. His little finger. Look.
  You were born upon a Wednesday?

  DRUG. Yes, indeed, sir.

  SUB. The thumb, in chiromancy, we give Venus;
  The fore-finger, to Jove; the midst, to Saturn;
  The ring, to Sol; the least, to Mercury,
  Who was the lord, sir, of his horoscope,
  His house of life being Libra;