All's Well That Ends Well by William Shakespeare (100 best novels of all time TXT) 📕

PAROLLES.
Lose our drum! well.

MARIANA.
He's shrewdly vex'd at something.
Look, he has spied us.

WIDOW.
Marry, hang you!

MARIANA.
And your courtesy, for a ring-carrier!

[Exeunt BERTRAM, PAROLLES, Officers, and Soldiers.]

WIDOW.
The troop is past. Come, pilgrim, I will bring you
Where you shall host: of enjoin'd penitents
There's four or five, to great Saint Jaques bound,
Already at my house.

HELENA.
I humbly thank you:
Please it this matron and this gentle maid
To eat with us to-night; the charge and thanking
Shall be for me: and, to requite you further,
I will bestow some precepts of this virgin,
Worthy the note.

BOTH.
We'll take your offer kindly.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter BERTRAM, and the two French Lords.]

FIRST LORD.
Nay, good my lord, put him to't; let him have his way.

SECOND LORD. If your lordship find him not a hilding, hold me no more in your respect.

FIRST LORD.
On my life, my lord, a bubble.

BERTRAM.
Do you think I am so far deceived in him?

FIRST LORD. Believe it, my lord, in mine own direct knowledge, without any malice, but to speak of him as my kinsman, he's a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality worthy your lordship's entertainment.

SECOND LORD. It were fit you knew him; lest, reposing too far in his virtue, which he hath not, he might at some great and trusty business, in a main danger fail you.

BERTRAM.
I would I knew in what particular action to try him.

SECOND LORD. None better than to let him fetch off his drum, which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

FIRST LORD. I with a troop of Florentines will suddenly surprise him; such I will have whom I am sure he knows not from the enemy; we will bind and hoodwink him so that he shall suppose no other but that he is carried into the leaguer of the adversaries when we bring him to our own tents. Be but your lordship present at his examination; if he do not, for the promise of his life, and in the highest compulsion of base fear, offer to betray you, and deliver all the intelligence in his power against you, and that with the divine forfeit of his soul upon oath, never trust my judgment in anything.

SECOND LORD. O, for the love of laughter, let him fetch his drum; he says he has a stratagem for't: when your lordship sees the bottom of his success in't, and to what metal this counterfeit lump of ore will be melted, if you give him not John Drum's entertainment, your inclining cannot be removed. Here he comes.

FIRST LORD. O, for the love of laughter, hinder not the honour of his design: let him fetch off his drum in any hand.

[Enter PAROLLES.]

BERTRAM.
How now, monsieur! this drum sticks sorely in your disposition.

SECOND LORD.
A pox on 't; let it go; 'tis but a drum.

PAROLLES. But a drum! Is't but a drum? A drum so lost!—There was excellent command! to charge in with our horse upon our own wings, and to rend our own soldiers.

SECOND LORD. That was not to be blamed in the command of the service; it was a disaster of war that Caesar himself could not have prevented, if he had been there to command.

BERTRAM. Well, we cannot greatly condemn our success: some dishonour we had in the loss of that drum; but it is not to be recovered.

PAROLLES.
It might have been recovered.

BERTRAM.
It might, but it is not now.

PAROLLES. It is to be recovered: but that the merit of service is seldom attributed to the true and exact performer, I would have that drum or another, or hic jacet.

BERTRAM. Why, if you have a stomach, to't, monsieur, if you think your mystery in stratagem can bring this instrument of honour again into his native quarter, be magnanimous in the enterprise, and go on; I will grace the attempt for a worthy exploit; if you speed well in it, the duke shall both speak of it and extend to you what further becomes his greatness, even to the utmost syllable of your worthiness.

PAROLLES.
By the hand of a soldier, I will undertake it.

BERTRAM.
But you must not now slumber in it.

PAROLLES. I'll about it this evening: and I will presently pen down my dilemmas, encourage myself in my certainty, put myself into my mortal preparation; and, by midnight, look to hear further from me.

BERTRAM.
May I be bold to acquaint his grace you are gone about it?

PAROLLES. I know not what the success will be, my lord, but the attempt I vow.

BERTRAM. I know thou art valiant; and, to the possibility of thy soldiership, will subscribe for thee. Farewell.

PAROLLES.
I love not many words.

[Exit.]

FIRST LORD. No more than a fish loves water.—Is not this a strange fellow, my lord? that so confidently seems to undertake this business, which he knows is not to be done; damns himself to do, and dares better be damned than to do't.

SECOND LORD. You do not know him, my lord, as we do: certain it is that he will steal himself into a man's favour, and for a week escape a great deal of discoveries; but when you find him out, you have him ever after.

BERTRAM. Why, do you think he will make no deed at all of this, that so seriously he does address himself unto?

FIRST LORD. None in the world: but return with an invention, and clap upon you two or three probable lies: but we have almost embossed him, —you shall see his fall to-night: for indeed he is not for your lordship's respect.

SECOND LORD. We'll make you some sport with the fox ere we case him. He was first smok'd by the old Lord Lafeu: when his disguise and he is parted, tell me what a sprat you shall find him; which you shall see this very night.

FIRST LORD.
I must go look my twigs; he shall be caught.

BERTRAM.
Your brother, he shall go along with me.

FIRST LORD.
As't please your lordship: I'll leave you.

[Exit.]

BERTRAM.
Now will I lead you to the house, and show you
The lass I spoke of.

SECOND LORD.
But you say she's honest.

BERTRAM.
That's all the fault: I spoke with her but once,
And found her wondrous cold; but I sent to her,
By this same coxcomb that we have i' the wind,
Tokens and letters which she did re-send;
And this is all I have done. She's a fair creature;
Will you go see her?

SECOND LORD.
With all my heart, my lord.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter HELENA and Widow.]

HELENA.
If you misdoubt me that I am not she,
I know not how I shall assure you further,
But I shall lose the grounds I work upon.

WIDOW.
Though my estate be fallen, I was well born,
Nothing acquainted with these businesses;
And would not put my reputation now
In any staining act.

HELENA.
Nor would I wish you.
First give me trust, the count he is my husband,
And what to your sworn counsel I have spoken
Is so from word to word; and then you cannot,
By the good aid that I of you shall borrow,
Err in bestowing it.

WIDOW.
I should believe you;
For you have show'd me that which well approves
You're great in fortune.

HELENA.
Take this purse of gold,
And let me buy your friendly help thus far,
Which I will over-pay, and pay again
When I have found it. The count he woos your daughter
Lays down his wanton siege before her beauty,
Resolv'd to carry her: let her in fine, consent,
As we'll direct her how 'tis best to bear it,
Now his important blood will naught deny
That she'll demand: a ring the county wears,
That downward hath succeeded in his house
From son to son, some four or five descents
Since the first father wore it: this ring he holds
In most rich choice; yet, in his idle fire,
To buy his will, it would not seem too dear,
Howe'er repented after.

WIDOW.
Now I see
The bottom of your purpose.

HELENA.
You see it lawful then: it is no more
But that your daughter, ere she seems as won,
Desires this ring; appoints him an encounter;
In fine, delivers me to fill the time,
Herself most chastely absent; after this,
To marry her, I'll add three thousand crowns
To what is pass'd already.

WIDOW.
I have yielded:
Instruct my daughter how she shall persever,
That time and place, with this deceit so lawful,
May prove coherent. Every night he comes
With musics of all sorts, and songs compos'd
To her unworthiness: it nothing steads us
To chide him from our eaves; for he persists,
As if his life lay on 't.

HELENA.
Why, then, to-night
Let us assay our plot; which, if it speed,
Is wicked meaning in a lawful deed,
And lawful meaning in a lawful act;
Where both not sin, and yet a sinful fact:
But let's about it.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter first Lord with five or six Soldiers in ambush.]

FIRST LORD. He can come no other way but by this hedge-corner. When you sally upon him, speak what terrible language you will; though you understand it not yourselves, no matter; for we must not seem to understand him, unless some one among us, whom we must produce for an interpreter.

FIRST SOLDIER.
Good captain, let me be the interpreter.

FIRST LORD.
Art not acquainted with him? knows he not thy voice?

FIRST SOLDIER.
No, sir, I warrant you.

FIRST LORD.
But what linsey-woolsey has thou to speak to us again?

FIRST SOLDIER.
E'en such as you speak to me.

FIRST LORD. He must think us some band of strangers i' the adversary's entertainment. Now he hath a smack of all neighbouring languages, therefore we must every one be a man of his own fancy; not to know what we speak one to another, so we seem to know, is to know straight our purpose: choughs' language, gabble enough, and good enough. As for you, interpreter, you must seem very politic. But couch, ho! here he comes; to beguile two hours in a sleep, and then to return and swear the lies he forges.

[Enter PAROLLES.]

PAROLLES. Ten o'clock. Within these three hours 'twill be time enough to go home. What shall I say I have done? It must be a very plausive invention that carries it ;they begin to smoke me: and disgraces have of late knocked too often at my door. I find my tongue is too foolhardy; but my heart hath the fear of Mars before it, and of his creatures, not daring the reports of my tongue.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
This is the first truth that e'er thine own tongue was guilty of.

PAROLLES. What the devil should move me to undertake the recovery of this drum: being not ignorant of the impossibility, and knowing I had no such purpose? I must give myself some hurts, and say I got them in exploit: yet slight ones will not carry it: they will say Came you off with so little? and great ones I dare not give. Wherefore, what's the instance? Tongue, I must put you into a butter-woman's mouth, and buy myself another of Bajazet's mule, if you prattle me into these perils.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
Is it possible he should know what he is, and be that he is?

PAROLLES. I would the cutting of my garments would serve the turn, or the breaking of my Spanish sword.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
We cannot afford you so.

PAROLLES.
Or the baring of my beard; and to say it was in stratagem.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
'Twould not do.

PAROLLES.
Or to drown my clothes, and say I was stripped.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
Hardly serve.

PAROLLES.
Though I swore I leap'd from the window of the citadel,—

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
How deep?

PAROLLES.
Thirty fathom.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
Three great oaths would scarce make that be believed.

PAROLLES. I would I had any drum of the enemy's; I would swear I recovered it.

FIRST LORD. {Aside.]
You shall hear one anon.

PAROLLES.
A drum now of the enemy's!

[Alarum within.]

FIRST LORD.
Throca movousus, cargo, cargo, cargo.

ALL.
Cargo, cargo, cargo, villianda par corbo, cargo.

PAROLLES.
O, ransom, ransom! Do not hide mine eyes.

[They seize and blindfold him.]

FIRST SOLDIER.
Boskos thromuldo boskos.

PAROLLES.
I know you are the Muskos' regiment,
And I shall lose my life for want of language:
If there be here German, or Dane, low Dutch,
Italian, or French, let him speak to me;
I'll discover that which shall undo the Florentine.

SECOND SOLDIER.
Boskos vauvado:—I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
Kerelybonto:—Sir,
Betake thee to thy faith, for seventeen poniards
Are at thy bosom.

FIRST SOLDIER.
O, pray, pray, pray!—
Manka revania dulche.

FIRST LORD.
Oscorbi dulchos volivorco.

FIRST SOLDIER.
The General is