Etiquettes in Giving Critiques by TINA V (read the beginning after the end novel TXT) 📕

Evercaptivating (http://www.bookrix.com/-evercaptivating)

You are a talented writer... from the start I could see that. I enjoyed your writing and the playfulness of your descriptions... very visual.

A few things, if I may, I don't get the ending. What happened in the last bit? I need more to this story.

I would say, that in the beginning I think it is a little wordy. Can I say too many big words? That sounds weird, but I think it needs to be 'simplified' to run more smoothly. Read it aloud and see how it flows now. Simplify it and make it like the rest of your writing. I think the first two or three paragraphs need it.

The writing is lovely and you have a great vocab, but I think it's a bit too much. My opinion... hope it helps.

felixthecat (http://www.bookrix.com/-felixthecat)

I liked this very much, _______! It was short. It was also charming, sad, and romantic : ).

You adhered to the contest theme, and I was impressed with that!

I'd like to see you go back to the opening (in your file manuscript) and enter that subway car with your characters. As Stephanie said, extend the scene(s) a bit. WHAT do you see as you stand there? Write it out. Walk with them through the book :) Try it. Tell us what they see in detail. Smells, tastes, touches, sounds...use as many senses as you can in the story. Describe their dying selves and their dying world a bit more, especially you main male character.

I am compelled by your great effort to vote for you :)

roscoe63 (http://www.bookrix.com/-roscoe63)

I read the story for content which was intriguing throughout. The story was well thought out. One suggestion I would make would be to organize the content so it flows more and doesn't jump from one event back to a previous one too quickly, refer back but not too much. Good job-really!!

rgabel (http://www.bookrix.com/-rgabel)

Again, you have an amazing imagination. I don't know how you sleep at night with all these ideas rolling around! LOL! You are also improving; your writing is flowing better. Now, it's time for you to refine your writing.

You keep switching Point of View. You write very well in First Person, I envy you that. But you slip every now and then as in the first few paragraphs after your prologue.

Now, on the first page, 3rd paragraph,
"What if I fail them?" Take out 'I thought'. Being in first person we already know as readers that you are thinking to yourself.

4th paragraph, may I suggest the following rewrite to make the sentence flow better, 'If I hadn't gone through the bitter experiences of the past month ...’

Hope this helps and you understand that I admire your writing, just offering help.

gooduklady (http://www.bookrix.com/-gooduklady)

The mark of a good writer is being able to make the reader care about the people in the story. You have succeeded very well here. I read the whole story with interest, and was naturally given a shock at the end, which was good. So you definitely are able to write, no doubt about it and I have given you my vote. Your sentences and emotions flow naturally and I am sure you have a good future in front of you. My only suggestion to improve would be the mechanics of the story. Go back and fix every spelling and grammatical mistake. There are lots in your story...words left out, the word "wondering" instead of "wandering" - you use the word "to" occasionally instead of "too" - and "then" instead of "than" --- however these are small things and are not relevant to your actual writing. Fixing them would polish your work and make it more professional. So go back and re-read every line, fix the errors, and you will have a story to be proud of. I am proud of you for writing it

APPENDIX 2
Negative Examples of Giving Critiques

Since this e-book will serve as a guideline in giving critiques, these comments were randomly selected to give you examples of a negative manner of writing our opinions. I hope that those writers concerned will take this as a constructive feedback. If you wrote one of these, and you want it to be deleted, kindly send me an e-mail so that I can make the necessary changes.


• (Don’ts Guidelines – Refer to Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3, and Rule 7)

ok this really sucked you used would in bad areas you sound like an 8 year old
it like me saying
i would go into the kitchen and would eat an apple
see its retarded
you should edit this then ill reconsider sorry but you should work on this
a lot

• (Don’ts Guidelines – Refer to Rule 2 and Rule 3)

was this written by a kindergartener I'm sorry but you need to check your spelling, grammer, conventions, spacing, and word placement

• (Don’ts Guidelines - Refer to Rule 1, Rule 3 and Rule 6)

First impressions are most important. When you mis-spell a word in the title of a book you are not off to a great start. I presume you meant ___________. I would advise you to take a look at some of the entries in the top ten of this contest to see what writing is all about. I shall be very blunt, and perhaps hurtful, when I say that unless you can put together a proper story, with a beginning, middle and an end, don't bother. You expended no energy or imagination with this entry, so I am not inclined to save your story or vote for it. Sorry if this critique seems harsh, but I feel my time in reading your work was wasted. When a fourteen year old can win the DEAR DIARY contest, hands down, a sixteen year old can do just as well, with a little effort. Next time, please work on a proper story and I shall be thrilled to read it.

• (Don’ts Guidelines – Refer to Rule 4)

In the next three pages, this feedback offers useful information to help improve the material; however, the specific details should have been sent through e-mail to the concerned writer. Remember, too specific details of the mistakes might be too sensitive for public viewing. Be sympathetic and let the person save his face.

Love the front cover and the poem. You've really put some time and effort into this.
You've opened the story so well, with a wonderful hook.
Need to look at your comma use, in particular with your adjectives.
I think you've been quite creative in introducing her physical character through the glass table top.
You're narrator is omniscient. You have an authorial voice happening, which can only happen when using omniscient POV. E.g.: pg. 7 'Yes, her life was perfect.' It's the use of 'yes'.
Great prologue, again full of action and intrigue.
I've noticed 'simply' is a pet word of yours. You might want to re-edit with this in mind and see if any can be changed. Every writer has one.
I think you did really well, introducing bit by bit more clues.
I think you could do away with many of your speech tags and adverbs relating to the speech.
I enjoyed this first installment. I think you're onto something and your plot seems strong at this stage. Good stuff. For 19 y.o. you're quite talented.

Workshopping tips:
Pg 7: I'd get rid of 'behind him' as it's assumed and therefore redundant. This'll tighten your writing.

Pg 9: First Angeli is walking, dragging her feet, but then she rushes in the bedroom door and lands on her knees, why? What she spewing blood or coughing blood or both? I'm not sure 'tainting' is the right word. Spewing implies a lot of fluid, which would do more than 'taint', I think.

Pg 11: 'Out there at the cold', is that meant to read 'out there 'in' the cold'?

Pg 12: 'Past' should be 'passed'. 'At least for Daniel's case' should be 'at least 'in' Daniel's case'. Missing 'to' between 'air' and 'get'.

Pg 13: With 'she just stared at him', I'd get rid of 'just'. You could also get rid of 'he was just sure.'

Pg 14: 'Whip' should be 'whipped'.

Pg 17: 'Black back pack slung on his', here you need to add 'that was' between 'pack' and 'slung'. 'Pushing close' should be 'pushing closed'.

Pg 18: 'This early quiet time' doesn't make sense. I think it is the 'quiet'.

Pg 19: Not sure on the 'huddled in beds'.

Pg 20: 'Where he is cornered', 'is' should be 'was'. I'm not sure on your meaning of: 'he'd been to this scenario a couple of times before'.

Pg 21: 'Word per word' should be 'word for word'. 'It seemed like a genuine laughter', should not have the article 'a'.

Pg 22: 'Of the government' should be 'or the government.'

Pg 23: 'which each step' should be 'with each step'.

Pg 24: Is your chapter heading meant to be 'CRSHS' or is it missing the 'A'? 'Hoping you've finished it' should be 'you'd'.

Pg 25: I don't think 'squinted' is the right word choices for squeezing between.

Pg 26: I don't think 'affixing' works here.

Pg 27: Did you mean 'violet' or 'violent'? You've done this in more than one place. 'Onto' should be 'into'.

Pg 31: You've used latter twice in close succession, but the second doesn't make sense. Daniel 'retrieved' his hand, isn't correct use of 'retrieve'.

Pg 32: 'Walking on bare foot' isn't correct. You could put 'he had no shoes on. You've used 'run' instead of 'ran'. You've used 'trickle' instead of 'trickled'. You've used 'rush' instead of 'rushed'.

Pg 33: 'Run' instead of 'ran', and 'past' instead of 'passed'.

Keep up the great work. I'll vote.

• (Don’ts Guidelines – Refer to Rule 8)

I don't like this book. just kidding


• (Don’ts Guidelines – Refer to Rule 5)

This is the first comment I received from another website’s forum when I posted my first article. Remember our rule; “do not accuse somebody if you don’t have any proof.”

Sorry to sound harsh, but how much are you paying your freelancers? I may sound jaded, but I've seen waaay tooo many of you folks who can't compose a decent English sentence in the forums, but your posts are way too "on" grammatically. So just spill the beans. Where did you get your content, because you obviously did not write it.”

APPENDIX 3
Resources

(1) Burt- Thomas (2010), The Everything Creative Writing 2nd Edition, Adams Media, Avon, Massachusetts, U.S.A (www.everything.com)

(2) Proverbs 16:23 - Scripture quotation was taken from the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible (1973, 1978, 1984, 2001)

(3) Ephesians 4:29 - Scripture quotation was taken from the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible (1973, 1978, 1984, 2001)

(4) Ephesians 4:15 - Scripture quotation was taken from the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible (1973, 1978, 1984, 2001)