KinDread by Lucian McCullough (best book club books txt) 📕

 
He would understand me, and all those things about me. He would know my masochism all too well. He would know how to tear me apart and how to put me together again. He would be so rough, yet so gentle. He would appreciate me, and not belittle me or place his own faults onto me. He would be smart, intelligent, and ideally a little older than me. I don't know what it is about that, but there's just something. Nothing pedophile-like (aside from maybe role play that is... haha) but to know that he was stronger, older, that he could protect me but also that he could potentially force me into anything he wanted... I don't know why that is such an immense turn-on. I just want someone to protect me, love me, envelop me. I want to be completely at the mercy of another. I want it so much right now that I can't breathe and I almost cry when I think about it. I wish he was here right now, making me beg for it. I wish I was groveling at his feet, licking his boots, begging him to take me, begging him to own me. Please take me.

I want someone who will take me right to the edge, and then push me. He would take care of me, and he would let me take care of him. He would let me wash his hair, and wait on him if he was sick. Sometimes it's hard to cope with myself, and if he ever felt it hard to cope with himself I would make sure he knew it was okay. We could keep each other safe.

He would be able to be both serious, and playful. We would laugh all the time. He would be beautiful and good-natured, like the time of day when the sun sets, but he would also be 3 am when it's storming and the power's out... fucking me with a knife to my throat. And I'm really not one to be shallow, but ideally he would be strong with windows for eyes and a long crooked nose. I find long crooked noses incredibly attractive for some reason.... He would be taller than me. Perhaps he could rest his head on top of mine and then wrap his arms around me. 

He would be clean and he would smell nice. He'd let me wear his clothes, and sleep in his T-shirts. He would understand what I mean when I talk about that feeling I get in my chest at something so beautiful it hurts... the feeling you get when something rips you apart. He would give that feeling to me. And in the same way I would return it. He would love to see me cry, love to see my knees bruised... love to bruise them. He'd lick the tears off my cheeks, letting the blade of his knife rest menacingly on the inside of my thigh. He would stroke my hair so lovingly... falsely reassuring me, only to smack me across the face as hard as he could without fucking breaking me. He would hold my wrists so tightly, me squirming so helplessly underneath him, letting me know his power. He would kiss me so deeply, like no one ever has. He would have me. I would be devoted to him, loyal to him. I would be his defenses, if he would be mine. I would get on my knees and pull his boxers off with my teeth (for my hands are tied behind my back) and take his dick down my throat. He would let me please him... his hands lovingly stroking my hair... and I would look up at him... my lips wrapped around his warm cock... I would look him straight in the eye... so eager to give him what he wanted. His little pet. And then he would wrap his fists in my hair, so violently... and fuck my throat... so deep and so fast that I am gagging a bit and panicking... gasping for air. But he will hold my nose closed, making sure I do not get any. When we had sex he would kiss my nose and stroke my neck and he would grab my chin and kiss me hard. He would close his hands around my waist and pull me down on him. So hard that I cry, I whimper. So hard that it hurts me and I cannot take it. But he will just fuck me harder, still. It will be too much feeling, and I know I will turn my head away... unable to look him in the eye... for if I do he'll see my whole soul so exposed and naked... everything that I am... just splayed out... so vulnerable. But he will force my chin and grab my face and force me to look into his eyes. Everything in my mind will scream TURN AWAY but I can't... he will not let me do that. And we will see each other.

He could practically break me if he wanted to and I would probably let him. It's really sort of scary, how vulnerable this makes me. If the wrong person took notice... they could hurt me worse than anything. I am so afraid of that and I hope it never has to happen. When that pain... so extreme... is not matched with love... it can damage you. And emotional scars are hard, and they hurt, and in the end they will just leave you needing more.

This guy would never leave me bleeding and crying. He would always bring me back. He would let me bury my face in his chest and he would just say "shhh" and stoke my hair... I would know he loved me. He would be so warm....

He would put his hands around my throat, holding me slightly off the ground... with just the tips of my toes touching, until I grew dizzy and limp... fragile and subjected to him. He would have me pinned against the wall and there would be no escaping. In between gasps I would beg him... "please", and in response he would cover my mouth and my nose and squeeze harder... to the rush of panic and then relief and then to the rush of panic again. He would revel in the look of fear across my eyes. He would ask me... in that tone... so calm... yet so threatening... "Are you afraid darling?"

"Yes."

"Good, you should be."

And he would resume his torture.

He would have me. All of me. He would love me... and I would love him so much. We'd take walks at twilight, and talk about everything. The meaning of life, the mechanisms in our brains, love, life, transcendence and the universe. Everything. And then at other times we would just be silent... for nothing would need to be said. We could make each other happy. I really hope this exists because I really don't think I could ever settle for anything else and be happy. I want him here right now. I want to be underneath him right now. I want him to hurt me right now. I want him to hold me tonight. It's getting chilly but he is so warm. If you exist come find me... please.

 Most of my stories, so far, have been about me being submissive. I like a nice strong man on top of me most of the time. But every once in a while, it's nice to have my husband be my servant, for a little while. 

Having him go down on me is incredibly relaxing. It's nice to feel the directness of the pleasure as his tongue licks me down there. He'll usually do it to me just about any time I want. He enjoys the flavor, the smell and the way I react when he does it. 

The only problem is that I usually end up being at his mercy. He's a ruthless tease. It feels so good that I end up begging him to do more, begging him to make me come. It's OK, since he always finishes me off eventually, but sometimes I want it the other way around. Sometimes I want the control. 

When I'm in one of those moods, I take charge and turn oral sex into an opportunity to dominate my husband. 

A few days ago, I was feeling extremely horny and wanted a good hard come, done my way. I decided to go all out. 

He likes to take a nap when he gets home from work. That day, I let him go right to bed instead of the usual talking to him and finding out how his day went. I even tucked him in and made him nice and comfy. He knew something was afoot, but he also knew enough to keep silent and enjoy it.

About three hours later, I went to our main bathroom, showered, put on one of his favorite perfumes and slipped into a short, black, silk-satin nightgown. It may seem like a lot work, getting myself ready for him in order to dominate him but it's the particular style that I wanted at that moment. I wouldn't have gone to the trouble if I were going to be on top and take him, but this time I was being a seductress. This time I was going to manipulate him rather than taking him. 

I turned off all of the lights in the house and lit a few candles to take into the bedroom with me. 

When I entered the room, he was fast asleep. That's pretty typical. He usually sleeps for four hours or so when he takes an afternoon nap. My preparations had taken about a half hour so he had another half hour of nap in him. The timing was deliberate. I wanted him rested but not quite at full strength. He's more suggestible that way. 

I placed the candles around the room and climbed in bed on the "wrong side" (to his right as he lays on his back). 

He didn't wake up, so I leaned over him and put my perfumed wrist up to his nose. That, followed by a few gentle strokes and kisses, was enough to bring him around, but leave him just a little groggy. He was quite happy to wake up for me, especially since he had had almost the right amount of sleep. 

I kept him on his back and leaned over him to kiss him. After the first kiss, I whispered, "I want you to go down on me. I want you to do it my way." He grinned at me, expectantly and I confirmed for him, "Yes, when you're done, you can have me, as long as I can lay back and not have to do anything." 

That's our usual devil's bargain. His servitude for as long as I want it, traded for my weak defenseless body afterward. He readily agreed and made room for me to slide over to the middle