The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay (books for 9th graders .TXT) đ
"Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers," shouted Bill. "Don't keep ussparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel whileyou've got the chance."
The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, "I see theprice of eggs has gone up again," but Bill gave him a punch on thesnout that bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such aflip with his flapper that he gave in at once.
"I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon," said theWombat, "as I've got sore feet." The Possum said hurriedly, "Weshall be late for that appointment," and they took their grindstoneand off they went.
But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out:"You'll repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snoutso that he can hardly see over it, let alone breathe through itwith comfort," and the Wombat added, "For shame, flapp
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âOf course itâs understood that no charge is to be made,â said the Possum, hurrying out.
âNo charge whatever,â said Bunyip Bluegum.
So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as the Wombat said, Puddinâ was brought out and placed on the ground.
âNow, watch me closely,â said Bunyip Bluegum. He sprinkled the Puddinâ with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and pronounced these wordsâ
âWho incantations utters He generally mutters His gruesome blasts and bans. But I, you need not doubt it, Prefer aloud to shout it, Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans.â
Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the Puddinâ-thieves like a pair of windmills, giving them such a clip clap clouting and a flip flap flouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and clipped and clapped, they had only enough breath left to give two shrieks of despair while scrambling back into Watkin Wombatâs Summer Residence, and banging the door behind them. The three friends had Puddinâ secured in no time, and shook hands all round, congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the success of his plan.
âYour noble actinâ,â said Bill, âhas saved our Puddinâs life.â
âThem Puddinâ-thieves,â said Sam, âwas children in your hands.â
âWe hear you,â sang out the Possum, and the Wombat added, âOh, what deceit! â
âEnough of you two,â shouted Bill. âIf we catch you sneakinâ after our Puddinâ again, youâll get such a beltinâ that youâll wish you was vegetarians. And now,â said he, âfor a glorious reunion round the camp fire.â
And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidney puddinâ and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the day, went down, as Bill said, âGrand.â
âIf them Puddinâ-thieves ainât sufferinâ the agonies of despair at this very moment, Iâll eat my hat along with the Puddinâ,â said Bill, exultantly.
âIndeed,â said Bunyip Bluegum, âthe consciousness that our enemies are deservedly the victims of acute mental and physical anguish, imparts, it must be admitted, an additional flavour to the admirable Puddinâ.â
âWell spoken,â said Bill, admiringly. âWhich I will say, that for turning off a few well-chosen words no parson in the land is the equal of yourself.â
âYour health!â said Bunyip Bluegum.
The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, owing to the satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their beloved Puddinâ. The Puddinâ, who had got the sulks over Samâs remark that fifteen goes of steak and kidney were enough for any self-respecting man, protested against the singing, which, he said, disturbed his gravy. â`More eating and less noise,â is my motto,â he said, and he called Bill a leather-headed old barrel organ for reproving him.
âAlbert is a spoilt child, I fear,â said Bill, shoving him into the bag to keep him quiet, and without more ado, led off withâ
âHo! aboard the Salt Junk Sarah, Rollinâ home around the Horn, The Boâsun pulls the Captainâs nose For treatinâ him with scorn.
âRollinâ home, rollinâ home, Rollinâ home across the foam. The Boâsun goes with thumps and blows The whole way rollinâ home.
âBut,â said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, after about fifteen verses of the âSalt Junk Sarahâ, âthe superior skill, ingenuity anâ darinâ with which you bested them Puddinâ-snatchers reminds me of a similar incident in Samâs youth, which I will now sing you. The incident, though similar as regards courage anâ darinâ, is totally different in regard to everythinâ else, and is entitledâ
THE PENGUINâS BRIDE
ââTwas on the âSaucy Soup Tureenâ, That Sam was foremast hand, When on the quarter-deck was see A maiding fit to be a Queen With her old Uncle stand.
âAnd Sam he chewed salt junk all Day with grief forlorn, Because the Hearl of Buncle, The lovely maidingâs Uncle, Regarded him with scorn.
âAnd Sam at once was sunk all In passion deep and grand, But this here aged Uncle He was the Hearl of Buncle And Sam a foremast hand.
âWhen sailinâ by Barbado, The Saucy Soup Tureen, Before she could be stayed-O Went down in a tornado, And never more was seen.
âThe passengers were sunk all Beneath the raginâ wave, The maiding and her Uncle, The Noble Hearl of Buncle, Were saved by Sam the Brave.
âHe saved the Noble Buncle By divinâ off the poop. The maiding in a funk all He saved along with Uncle Upon a chicken coop.
âAnd this here niece of Buncle, When they got safe to land, For havinâ saved her Uncle, The Noble Hearl of Buncle, She offered Sam her hand.
âAnd that old Uncle Buncle, For joy of his release, On burgundy got drunk all Day in Castle Buncle, Which hastened his decease.
âThe lovely maiding Buncle Inherited the land; And, now her aged Uncle Has gone, the Hearl of Buncle Is Sam, the foremast hand.â
âOf course,â said Sam modestly, âthe song goes too far in sayinâ as how I married the Hearlâs niece, because, for one thing, I ainât a marryinâ man, and for another thing, what she really sez to me when we got to land was, âYouâre a noble feller, anâ hereâs five shillinâs for you, and any time you happen to be round our way, just give a ring at the servantâs bell, and thereâll always be a feed waitinâ for you in the kitchen.â However, youâve got to have songs to fill in the time with, and when a fellerâs got a rotten word like Buncle to find rhymes for, thereâs no sayinâ how a songâll end.â
âThe exigencies of rhyme,â said Bunyip Bluegum, âmay stand excused from a too strict insistence on verisimilitude, so that the general gaiety is thereby promoted. And now,â he added, âbefore retiring to rest, let us all join in song,â and grasping each otherâs hands they loudly sangâ
THE PUDDINâ-OWNERSâ EVENSONG
âLet feeble feeders stoop To plates of oyster soup. Let pap engage The gums of age And appetites that droop; We much prefer to chew A steak-and-kidney stew.
âWe scorn digestive pills; Give us the food that fills; Who bravely stuff Themselves with Duff, May laugh at Doctorsâ bills. For medicine, partake Of kidney, stewed with steak.
âLet yokels coarse appease Their appetites with cheese. Let women dream Of cakes and cream, We scorn fal-lals like these; Our sterner sex extols The joy of boiled jam rolls.
âThen plight our faith anew Three puddinâ-owners true, Who boldly claim In Friendshipâs name The noble Irish stoo, Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurroo!â
SLICE THREEâAfter our experience of yesterday,â said Bill Barnacle as the company of Puddinâ-owners set off along the road with their Puddinâ, âwe shall have to be particularly careful. For what with low puddinâ thieves disguisinâ themselves as firemen, and low Wombats sneakinâ our Puddinâ while weâre helpinâ to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry and bother of tryinâ to get information out of parrots anâ bandicoots anâ hedgehogs, why, itâs enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of beinâ a puddinâ-snatcher.â
âAs for me,â said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he walked along. âI feel like laying out the first man we meet on the off-chance of his being a puddinâ-thief.â
âIndeed,â observed Bunyip Bluegum, âto have oneâs noblest feelings outraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy people, is to end by regarding all humanity with an equal suspicion.â
âIf you ask my opinion,â said the Puddinâ cynically, âthem puddinâ-thieves are too clever for you; and whatâs more, theyâre better eaters than you. Why,â said the Puddinâ, sneering at Bill, âIâll back one puddinâ-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddinâowners put together.â
âThese are very treacherous sentiments, Albert,â said Bill, sternly. âThese are very ignoble and shameless words,â but the Puddinâ merely laughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed old beetle-crusher.
âVery well,â said Bill, enraged, âwe shall see if a low puddinâ thief is better than a noble Puddinâ-owner. When you see the terrible suspicions I shall indulge in to-day youâll regret them words.â
To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met, in case they should be puddinâ-thieves in disguise.
To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a low larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him.
âWho are you starinâ at, Poodleâs Whiskers?â he asked.
âNever mind,â said Bill. âIâm starinâ at you for a good anâ sufficient reason.â
âAre yer? â said the Kookaburra. âWell, all I can say is that if yer donât take yer dial outer the road Iâll bloominâ well take anâ bounce a gibber off yer crust,â and he followed them for quite a long way, singing out insulting things such as, âYou with the wire whiskers,â and âGet onter the bloke with the face fringe.â
Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.
The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not so vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra was equally enraged because, as Bill had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted on measuring him to see if he was the same length.
âNice goings on, indeed,â said the Flying-fox, while Bill was measuring him, âif a man canât go about his business without being measured by total strangers. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to Finglebury Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer.â
However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go, and he hurried off, saying, âI shall have the Law on you for this, measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor.â
The third disturbance due to Billâs suspicions occurred while Bunyip Bluegum was in a grocerâs shop. They had run out of tea and sugar, and happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity of laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadnât been in the shop, as was pointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldnât have occurred. The first he heard of it was a scream of âHelp, help, murder is being done!â and rushing out of the shop, what was his amazement to see no less a person than his Uncle Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road with Bill hanging on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg.
âIâve got him,â shouted Bill. âCatch a holt of his other leg and give me a chance to get his whiskers off.â
âBut why are you taking his whiskers off?â inquired Bunyip Bluegum.
âBecause theyâre stuck on with glue,â shouted Bill. âI saw it at a glance. Itâs Watkin Wombat, Esquire, disguised as a company promoter.â
âDear me,â said Bunyip, hurriedly, âyou are making a mistake. This is not a puddinâ-thief, this is an Uncle.â
âA what?â exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers. âAn Uncle,â replied Bunyip Bluegum.
âAn Uncle,â roared Uncle Wattleberry. âAn Uncle of the highest integrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled an Uncleâs whiskers.â
âI can assure you,â said Bill, âI pulled them under the delusion that you was a
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