The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay (books for 9th graders .TXT) đ
"Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers," shouted Bill. "Don't keep ussparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel whileyou've got the chance."
The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, "I see theprice of eggs has gone up again," but Bill gave him a punch on thesnout that bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such aflip with his flapper that he gave in at once.
"I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon," said theWombat, "as I've got sore feet." The Possum said hurriedly, "Weshall be late for that appointment," and they took their grindstoneand off they went.
But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out:"You'll repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snoutso that he can hardly see over it, let alone breathe through itwith comfort," and the Wombat added, "For shame, flapp
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âBefore bringing accusations,â said the Possum, âprove where the Puddinâ is.â
âItâs under that fellerâs hat,â roared Bill, pointing at the Wombat.
âProve it,â said the Wombat.
âYou canât wear hats that high, without thereâs Puddinâs under them,â said Bill.
âThatâs not Puddinâs,â said the Possum; âthatâs ventilation. He wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool.â
âVery well,â said Bill. âI call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove whatâs under that hat.â
Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and gravely pronounced this judgmentâ
âWhen you see a hat Stuck up like that You remark with some surprise, `Has he been to a shop, And bought for his top A hat of the largest size?â
â Or else you say, As you note the way He wears it like a wreath, `It cannot be fat That bulges his hat; Heâs got something underneath.â
âBut whether or not Itâs a Puddinâ heâs got Can only be settled by lifting his pot. Or by taking a stick, A stone or a brick, And hitting him hard on the head with it quick. If he yells, you hit fat, If he doesnât, well that Will prove itâs a Puddinâ thatâs under his hat.â
âNow are you satisfied?â asked Bill, and they all shoutedâ
âHurrah! hurray! Just listen to that; He knows the way To bell the cat. Youâd better obey His judgment pat,
Without delay Remove the hat; Itâs tit-for-tat, We tell you flat, Youâll find it pay To lift your hat.
Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer, Remove that hat, or else weâll do it faw yer.â
âNo, no,â said the Possum, shaking his head. âNo removing peopleâs hats. Removing hats is larceny, and youâll get six months for it.â
âNo bashing heads, either,â said the Wombat. âThatâs manslaughter, and weâll have you hung for it.â
Bill scratched his head. âThis is an unforeseen predicament,â he said. âJust mind them puddinâ-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in private.â He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair. âWhat a frightful situation,â wailed he. âWe canât unlawfully take a puddinâ-thief s hat off, and while it remains on whoâs to prove our Puddinâs under it? This is one of the worst things thatâs happened to Sam and me for years.â
âItâs worse than being chased by wart-hogs,â said Sam.
âItâs worse than rolling off a cowshed,â said Bill.
âItâs worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,â said Sam.
âItâs almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons,â said Bill, and both sang loudlyâ
âItâs worse than running in a fright, Pursued by Polar bears; Itâs worse than being caught at night By lions in their lairs.
âItâs worse than barrel organs when They play from night till morn; Itâs worse than having large-sized men A-standing on your corn.
âItâs worse than when at midnight you Tread on a silent cat, To have a puddinâ-snatcher who Will not remove his hat.â
âAll is not yet lost,â said Bunyip Bluegum. âWithout reverting to violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.â
âYou will?â exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.
âI will,â said Bunyip firmly. âAll I ask is that you strike a dignified attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word, follow my example.â
They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddinâ-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.
âHats off in honour to our King,â shouted Bill, and off came all the hats. The puddinâ-thieves, of course, were helpless. The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddinâ sitting on his head.
âNow whoâs a liar?â shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swingeing blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, âNever strike a man with a Puddinâ on his head;â but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddinâ-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimedâ
âThe blows you feel we do not deal In common, vulgar thumping; To higher motives we appealâ It is to teach you not to steal, Your heads we now are bumping. You need not go on pumping Appeals for kinder dealing, We like to watch you jumping, We like to hear you squealing. We rather think this thumping Will take a bit of healing. We hope these blows upon the nose, These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes, These pains that you are feeling The truth will be revealing How wrong is puddinâ-stealing.â
Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson:â
âA puddinâ-thief, as Iâve heard tell, Quite lost to noble feeling, Spent all his days, and nights as well, In constant puddinâ-stealing.
âHe stole them here, he stole them there, He knew no moderation; He stole the coarse, he stole the rare, He stole without cessation.
âHe stole the steak-and-kidney stew That housewives in a rage hid; He stole the infantsâ Puddinâ too, The Puddinâ of the aged.
âHe lived that Puddinâs he might lure, Into his clutches stealthy; He stole the Puddinâ of the poor, The Puddinâ of the wealthy.
âThis evil wight went forth one night Intent on puddinâ-stealing, When he beheld a hidden light A secret room revealing.
âWithin he saw a fearful man, With eyes like coals a-glowing, Whose frightful whiskers over-ran His face, like weeds a-blowing ;
âAnd there this fearful, frightful man, A sight to set you quaking, With pot and pan and curse and ban, Began a puddinâ making.
ââTwas made of buns and boiling oil, A carrot and some nails-O! A lobsterâs claws, the knobs off doors, An onion and some snails-O!
âA pound of fat, an old man rat, A pint of kerosene-O! A box of tacks, some cobblerâs wax, Some gum and glycerine-0!
âGunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe, He stirred into his pottage; Some Irish stew, a pound of glue, A high explosive sausage.
âThe deed was done, that frightful one, With glare of vulture famished, Blew out the light, and in the night Gave several howls, and vanished.
âOur thieving lout, ensconced without, Came through the window slinking; He grabbed the pot and on the spot Began to eat like winking.
âHe ate the lot, this guzzling sot Such appetite amazesâ Until those high explosives wrought Within his tum a loud report, And blew him all to blazes.
âFor him who steals ill-gotten meals Our moral is a good un. We hope he feels that it reveals The danger he is stood in Who steals a high explosive bomb, Mistaking it for Puddinâ.â
The puddinâ-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddinâ-snatching.
âYour words,â said the Possum, âhas pierced our brains with horror and remorse;â and the Wombat added: âFrom this time onwards our thoughts will be as far removed from Puddinâ as is the thoughts of angels.â
âWe have heard that before,â said Bunyip Bluegum; âbut let us hope that this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtueâ
âFor he who finds his evil course is ended By having of his snout severely bended, Along that path of virtue may be sent Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.â
With that the puddinâ-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and evening arrived, punctual to the minute.
âAh,â said Bill, âitâs a very fortunate thing that eveninâs come along at this time, for, if it hadnât, we couldnât have waited dinner any longer. But, before preparinâ for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller Puddinâ-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddinâ-thieves as ourselves.â
âHospitably spoken,â said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddinâowners sang==
âCome join us we intreat, Come join us we implore, In Friendshipâs name our guest we claim, And Friendshipâs name is law.
âWeâve Puddinâ here a treat, Weâve Puddinâ here galore; Do not decline to stay and dine, Our Puddinâ youâll adore.
âOur Puddinâ, we repeat, You really cannot beat, And here are we its owners three Who graciously intreat Youâll be at our request, The Puddinâ-ownersâ guest.â
âFor these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,â said Ben, âI thank you. As one market gardener to three Puddinâ-owners, I may say I wouldnât wish to eat the Puddinâ of three finer fellers than yourselves.â
With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire, and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the Puddinâ was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked:
âAll Fortuneâs buffets he can surely pardon her, Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.â
To which Benjimen handsomely repliedâ
âStill happier he, who meets three Puddinâ-owners, Whose Puddinâ is the equal of its donors.â
And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.
FOURTH SLICEâThis is what I call satisfactory,â said Bill, as they sat at breakfast next morning. âItâs a great relief to the mind to know that them puddinâ-thieves is sufferinâ the agonies of remorse, and that our Puddinâ is safe from beinâ stolen every ten minutes.â
âYouâre a bun-headed old optimist,â said the Puddinâ rudely. âPuddinâ-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from blighted hopes and suppressed activity.â
âHave you no trust in human nature, Albert?â asked Bill, sternly. âDonât you know that nothinâ gives a man greater remorse than havinâ his face punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?â
âI have grave doubts myself,â said Bunyip Bluegum, âas to the sincerity of their repentance; âand Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkin pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel remorse.
In fact as Sam said:â
The howls and groans of pain and grief, The accents of remorse, Extracted from a puddinâ-thief Are all put on, of course.â
âThen, all I can say is,â cried Bill, enraged, âif thereâs any more of this business of puddinâ-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our Puddinâ, and puddinâ-thieves, not disguised at all, shovinâ bags over our heads, blow me if I donât give up Puddinâ-owning in despair and take to keepinâ carrots for a livinâ.â
The Puddinâ was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks.
âFor what is the good of havinâ a noble trustinâ nature,â said he, âfor every low puddinâ-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and chance the odds it belongs to a puddinâ-thief.â
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