Angel Dust by Aurora Morgenstern (summer beach reads .TXT) 📕

"Why am I here? How did I get here?", I demand with a shaky voice. I cannot even begin to pretend that I am not terrified of him. This is the most powerful creature ever created, the closest thing to god himself and yet the greatest sinner of all. 

 "You´re not strictly speaking here, it´s all in your head. I do beg your forgiveness for the crude intrusion, but I had to see Michael´s new student for myself. I am impressed by the fact that you were brave enough to demand answers from me. Especially considering you´re barely an angel at all, you haven´t lost your humanity yet. It´s quite refreshing to see someone who hasn´t become one of their mindless puppets yet...", he sounds almost angry when he gets to that last part. I wonder who exactly he is refering to as a mindless puppet, all the angels I have met so far are rather stubborn and passionate. 

 "You know your brothers think there´s still hope for you...", I change topic trying to sound casual about it and probably failing horribly at that. He lifts a questioning eyebrow.

 "Hope for me? Do they still think of me as the lost sheep needing to be found? Millenia have passed and they still don´t understand", he shakes his head in obvious disbelief.

 "Understand what?"

"That what I did was right. Not once did I regret falling from heaven", his voice is almost forecfully convincing, he is trying to convince himself o his own words rather than me. I make a mental note of that, it might be the sort of detail to report back to Michael once I figure out how to get oput of here. While I am here I might as well collect as much information as possible. 

"You disappoint me so, you have already become one of their pawns", there is a theatric quality to the disappointed tone in his voice.

"And what will you get in return? A pet on the head from Michael? Do you really think he is ever going to treat you as an equal? You´re nothing more than a soldier to them and if you dare voice your opinion they will force you into obedience, for your own good. They´re never going to respect you for who you are!", his voice is full of mockery now, the bitterness clings to it. Afterall those are his brothers he is talking about and I can tell he can´t help but have a certain tie to them still. His words hit me hard, he must have been able to tell from my thoughts about my insecurities and my doubts concerning the angel´s motives. 

 "And how you any different? Those demons follow your orders mindlessly, your followers are no different.And what have you ever done for them? Thanks to your arrogance they lost everything! Look at what they have become and all because of you! Look at what vile creatures you have created, look at your own monstrosity!", I shout at him but it doesn´t seem to produce any effect at all. I anticipate his response with a tingeling sensation of fear. I doubt many people would dare shout at the devil, but he has sparked something within me and taht something tells me that he can´t hurt me here. He stares at me for a long while before he begins to laugh a maniac laugh that echoes from the walls all around me and turns into a bizarre, almost monsterous sound. 

"They followed me of their own free will, I forced no one to come with me. I was prepared to take the fall all by myself. Do you know what they did when they got here? They danced and sang in joy, so glad to be free for the first time in their lives. They were mindless soldiers, do you think heaven was always so fond of free will? No, whoever dared to speak their mind was silenced and told to fit in and even today not much has changed. All they do is hide it so much better. How did Michael react when you disrespected him? He threatened you and punished you as though you were still a child. I took the fall because I wouldn´t bow down and be silenced anymore. I gave them a choice and they took it, they followed me because I offered them freedom", his voice is full of passion and purpose. He believes what he says and I have to admit his argument is convincing.

"My father never loved us angels like he loved the mortals, he gave all he had to them and forgave them everything. The only flaw was that he did not give them knowledge, they were perfect in his mind because they knew nothing, questioned nothing. I gave them knowledge, my first trespass against father. However they had something we did not have, free will. Eve chose of he rown free will to eat that fateful apple, Cain chose to kill his brother. We angels just followed, obedient soldiers rather than sons and daughters. I loved my father with all my heart, but I saw his mistakes and his arrogance too.I talked to him many a time and time and time again he told me I was arrogant and foolish. Without darkness there is no light and there can be no redemption without what you may call sin. I call it freedom, a freedom to choose. What is goodness worth if it is forced on you? How can you be good if there is no other option? I gave them the choice they so desperately craved! I made them worthy of this goodness!", I can see the part where the arrogance comes in. Despite his words having truth in them, he is justifying his actions and he definetly likes the sound of his own voice. He sees himself on the moral high ground, he feels like he did the right thing. There is barely anthing half as dangerous as a maniac convinced he is doing the right thing. I feel a strange pulling sensation nagging at the edges of my mind. I wonder what would happen if I gave in to it? Lucifer sighs.

"My brother has finally noted my presence, go and be a dear and deliver a message for him. Tell my dear brother that I am on my way to claim my rightful place. Tell him that he should have killed me all those years ago and that I certainly won´t make that mistake if he fails to surrender. Oh and you might want to reconsider who you trust. Heaven is just as full of traitors and thieves as hell, where do you think we got them from? The most cruel demons were once the most faithful angels!", his last words echo in my ears as the pulling sensation becomes unbearable and I give in. the last thing I see is Lucifer taking the apple and with a big smile he bites into it. 

"Wake up!", I hear a roaring voice and I can feel someone shaking my body hard. I imemdiately snap out of the trance and find Michaels eyes boaring down into mine in something that is between anger and worry. His eyes are now a darker shade of blue taht reminds me of storm clouds and I can see a raging fire behind them, carefully caged and reserved anger and a trace of helplessness. Not an emotion I can picture Michael dealing with. He stops shaking me, but he doesn´t let go. He holds me at arms lenght in an iron grip and for a long moment says absolutely nothing. Then to my great astonishment he pulls me toward him and hugs me hard and tight, I have difficulty breathing. He doesn´t let go until I begin to struggle to signal that I need air. I feel dizzy as he finally releases me and my mind hasn´t quite processed this sudden outburst that is so unlike him at all. I have seen him express anger, but affection?

"I felt his presence. I wish I could explain how this happened...he is not supposed to be able to reach out like that! Are you alright? did he try to harm you in any way?", his voice is almost anxious and completely out opf character. 

"I´m fine, he didn´t try to hurt me. I don´t think he would have been able to", I state and he relaxes slightly. I never thought that Michael could worry like that or even betray an emotion that isn´t anger or even pride. 

"Never underestimate Lucifer, I made that mistake once", the words are almost a cold hiss. I sit back to put a bit of distance between him and me and to give myself room to breathe, being that close to him is more than a little intimidating. There is a certain fire burning in hsi eyes and I know that maybe getting too close to that fire would burn me. 

"I´m sorry this is probably traumatising, but i have to ask you to let me have a quick look through the memory", he sounds terribly uncomfortable and I´m surprised he even apologises, usually he doesn´t care how uncomfortable him reading my mind makes me at all. If I remember correctly he gave out to me because I told him I don´t want him to read my mind at all. Maybe he has finally taken into consideration taht he can´t expect me to become a good little obedient angel over night. I wish I could say I would never bow down to anyone, but teh truth is I always like to stay in the shadows, to just be left alone. I never felt liek I belonged, it felt liek a bad masquerade to me. Without further words he reaches out and takes my hand and I see the scene flash infront of my eyes again and come out of it feeling more than a little dizzy. I didn´t know that touching was necessary for him to read my memories like that. I pull my hand back as fast as I can when he is done, not really caring wether that seems awkward. I don´t really feel like getting anywhere near him with that fire in his eyes, my instincts tell me that wouldn´t be a smart move. On the one hand I feel like chasing those flames away, the darker parts of me are excited by them, but the more rational side of me is afraid. Who would have thought...

"I´ll let you get back to sleep now", is all he says after that, no explanation, no nothing. He seems distant now, detached and thoughtful. The stern, serious look gives his face a darker yet not entirely unattractive quality if it wasn´t for that frown and the scorching brightness of his eyes. I have never quite seen eyes like that in my life and I suppose that is an angel thing, they seem to be more uptight about their emotions but as I know it all leaks out somewhere. He leaves the room, but lingers in the door frame a long moment just looking at me before he turns his back and turns the light off, softly closing the door behind him. I am way too tired and worn out from ym experience to wonder about is and forget it happened at all as soon as I close my eyes. 

To my own astonishment I slept like a baby and wake up feeling almost happy. I humm a little melody to myself as I shower, trying