If: A Play in Four Acts by Lord Dunsany (novel books to read .TXT) 📕

BILL

Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?

BERT

I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?

BILL

Bloody.

BERT

Why, what's wrong?

BILL

Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.

BERT

What's up, then?

BILL

Nothing ain't right.

BERT

Why, wot's the worry?

BILL

Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.

BERT

Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?

BILL

Ain't I! Proper.

BERT

Why? Wot about, Bill?

BILL

Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving. Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.

BERT

Wot? The other day?

BILL

Yes.

BERT?

Tuesday?

BILL

Yes.

BERT

Why? The one that dropped her bag?

BILL

Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't 'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more of it and I'll...

BERT

I wouldn't, Bill; don't you.

BILL

I will.

BERT

Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider.

BILL

Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets in, doors shut. That's the rule, and they'll have to abide by it.

[Enter JOHN BEAL.]

BILL [touching his hat] Good morning, sir.

[JOHN does not answer, but walks to the door between them.]

Carry your bag, sir?

JOHN

Go to hell!

[Exit through door.]

BILL

Ullo.

BERT

Somebody's been getting at 'im.

BILL

Well, I never did. Why, I knows the young feller.

BERT

Pleasant spoken, ain't 'e, as a rule?

BILL

Never knew 'im like this.

BERT

You ain't bin sayin' nothing to 'im, 'ave yer?

BILL

Never in my life.

BERT

Well, I never.

BILL

'Ad some trouble o' some kind.

BERT

Must 'ave.

[Train is heard.]

BILL

Ah, 'ere she is. Well, as I was saying...

Curtain

SCENE 4

In a second-class railway carriage.

Time: Same morning as Scene 1, Act I.

Noise, and a scene drawn past the windows. The scene, showing a momentary glimpse of fair English hills, is almost entirely placards, "GIVE HER BOVRIL," "GIVE HER OXO," alternately, for ever.

Occupants, JOHN BEAL, a girl, a man.

All sit in stoical silence like the two images near Luxor. The man has the window seat, and therefore the right of control over the window.

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Would you mind having the window open?

THE MAN IN THE CORNER [shrugging his shoulders in a shivery way]

Er—certainly. [Meaning he does not mind. He opens the window.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Thank you so much.

MAN IN THE CORNER

Not at all. [He does not mean to contradict her. Stoical silence again.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

Would you mind having it shut now? I think it is rather cold.

MAN IN THE CORNER

Certainly.

[He shuts it. Silence again.]

MIRALDA CLEMENT

I think I'd like the window open again now for a bit. It is rather stuffy, isn't it?

MAN IN THE CORNER

Well, I think it's very cold.

MIRALDA CLEMENT

O,