The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby by Charles Dickens (books to read this summer txt) 📕

‘The pigs is well,’ said Mr Squeers, ‘the cows is well, and the boys is bobbish. Young Sprouter has been a-winking, has he? I’ll wink him when I get back. “Cobbey would persist in sniffing while he was a-eating his dinner, and said that the beef was so strong it made him.”—Very good, Cobbey, we’ll see if we can’t make you sniff a little without beef. “Pitcher was took with another fever,”—of course he was—“and being fetched by his friends, died the day after he got home,”—of course he did, and out of aggravation; it’s part of a deep-laid system. There an’t another chap in the school but that boy as would have died exactly at the end of the quarter: taking it out of me to the very last, and then carrying his spite to the utmost extremity. “The juniorest Palmer said he wished he was in Heaven.” I really don’t know, I do NOT know what’s to be done with that young fellow; he’s always a-wishing something horrid. He said once, he wished he was a donkey, because then he wouldn’t have a father as didn’t love him! Pretty wicious that for a child of six!’

Mr Squeers was so much moved by the contemplation of this hardened nature in one so young, that he angrily put up the letter, and sought, in a new train of ideas, a subject of consolation.

‘It’s a long time to have been a-lingering in London,’ he said; ‘and this is a precious hole to come and live in, even if it has been only for a week or so. Still, one hundred pound is five boys, and five boys takes a whole year to pay one hundred pounds, and there’s their keep to be substracted, besides. There’s nothing lost, neither, by one’s being here; because the boys’ money comes in just the same as if I was at home, and Mrs Squeers she keeps them in order. There’ll be some lost time to make up, of course. There’ll be an arrear of flogging as’ll have to be gone through: still, a couple of days makes that all right, and one don’t mind a little extra work for one hundred pound. It’s pretty nigh the time to wait upon the old woman. From what she said last night, I suspect that if I’m to succeed at all, I shall succeed tonight; so I’ll have half a glass more, to wish myself success, and put myself in spirits. Mrs Squeers, my dear, your health!’

Leering with his one eye as if the lady to whom he drank had been actually present, Mr Squeers—in his enthusiasm, no doubt—poured out a full glass, and emptied it; and as the liquor was raw spirits, and he had applied himself to the same bottle more than once already, it is not surprising that he found himself, by this time, in an extremely cheerful state, and quite enough excited for his purpose.

What this purpose was soon appeared; for, after a few turns about the room to steady himself, he took the bottle under his arm and the glass in his hand, and blowing out the candle as if he purposed being gone some time, stole out upon the staircase, and creeping softly to a door opposite his own, tapped gently at it.

‘But what’s the use of tapping?’ he said, ‘She’ll never hear. I suppose she isn’t doing anything very particular; and if she is, it don’t much matter, that I see.’

With this brief preface, Mr Squeers applied his hand to the latch of the door, and thrusting his head into a garret far more deplorable than that he had just left, and seeing that there was nobody there but an old woman, who was bending over a wretched fire (for although the weather was still warm, the evening was chilly), walked in, and tapped her on the shoulder.

‘Well, my Slider,’ said Mr Squeers, jocularly.

‘Is that you?’ inquired Peg.

‘Ah! it’s me, and me’s the first person singular, nominative case, agreeing with the verb “it’s”, and governed by Squeers understood, as a acorn, a hour; but when the h is sounded, the a only is to be used, as a and, a art, a ighway,’ replied Mr Squeers, quoting at random from the grammar. ‘At least, if it isn’t, you don’t know any better, and if it is, I’ve done it accidentally.’

Delivering this reply in his accustomed tone of voice, in which of course it was inaudible to Peg, Mr Squeers drew a stool to the fire, and placing himself over against her, and the bottle and glass on the floor between them, roared out again, very loud,

‘Well, my Slider!’

‘I hear you,’ said Peg, receiving him very graciously.

‘I’ve come according to promise,’ roared Squeers.

‘So they used to say in that part of the country I come from,’ observed Peg, complacently, ‘but I think oil’s better.’

‘Better than what?’ roared Squeers, adding some rather strong language in an undertone.

‘No,’ said Peg, ‘of course not.’

‘I never saw such a monster as you are!’ muttered Squeers, looking as amiable as he possibly could the while; for Peg’s eye was upon him, and she was chuckling fearfully, as though in delight at having made a choice repartee, ‘Do you see this? This is a bottle.’

‘I see it,’ answered Peg.

‘Well, and do you see THIS?’ bawled Squeers. ‘This is a glass.’ Peg saw that too.

‘See here, then,’ said Squeers, accompanying his remarks with appropriate action, ‘I fill the glass from the bottle, and I say “Your health, Slider,” and empty it; then I rinse it genteelly with a little drop, which I’m forced to throw into the fire—hallo! we shall have the chimbley alight next—fill it again, and hand it over to you.’

‘YOUR health,’ said Peg.

‘She understands that, anyways,’ muttered Squeers, watching Mrs Sliderskew as she dispatched her portion, and choked and gasped in a most awful manner after so doing. ‘Now then, let’s have a talk. How’s the rheumatics?’

Mrs Sliderskew, with much blinking and chuckling, and with looks expressive of her strong admiration of Mr Squeers, his person, manners, and conversation, replied that the rheumatics were better.

‘What’s the reason,’ said Mr Squeers, deriving fresh facetiousness from the bottle; ‘what’s the reason of rheumatics? What do they mean? What do people have’em for—eh?’

Mrs Sliderskew didn’t know, but suggested that it was possibly because they couldn’t help it.

‘Measles, rheumatics, hooping-cough, fevers, agers, and lumbagers,’ said Mr Squeers, ‘is all philosophy together; that’s what it is. The heavenly bodies is philosophy, and the earthly bodies is philosophy. If there’s a screw loose in a heavenly body, that’s philosophy; and if there’s screw loose in a earthly body, that’s philosophy too; or it may be that sometimes there’s a little metaphysics in it, but that’s not often. Philosophy’s the chap for me. If a parent asks a question in the classical, commercial, or mathematical line, says I, gravely, “Why, sir, in the first place, are you a philosopher?”—“No, Mr Squeers,” he says, “I an’t.” “Then, sir,” says I, “I am sorry for you, for I shan’t be able to explain it.” Naturally, the parent goes away and wishes he was a philosopher, and, equally naturally, thinks I’m one.’

Saying this, and a great deal more, with tipsy profundity and a serio-comic air, and keeping his eye all the time on Mrs Sliderskew, who was unable to hear one word, Mr Squeers concluded by helping himself and passing the bottle: to which Peg did becoming reverence.

‘That’s the time of day!’ said Mr Squeers. ‘You look twenty pound ten better than you did.’

Again Mrs Sliderskew chuckled, but modesty forbade her assenting verbally to the compliment.

‘Twenty pound ten better,’ repeated Mr Squeers, ‘than you did that day when I first introduced myself. Don’t you know?’

‘Ah!’ said Peg, shaking her head, ‘but you frightened me that day.’

‘Did I?’ said Squeers; ‘well, it was rather a startling thing for a stranger to come and recommend himself by saying that he knew all about you, and what your name was, and why you were living so quiet here, and what you had boned, and who you boned it from, wasn’t it?’

Peg nodded her head in strong assent.

‘But I know everything that happens in that way, you see,’ continued Squeers. ‘Nothing takes place, of that kind, that I an’t up to entirely. I’m a sort of a lawyer, Slider, of first-rate standing, and understanding too; I’m the intimate friend and confidential adwiser of pretty nigh every man, woman, and child that gets themselves into difficulties by being too nimble with their fingers, I’m—’

Mr Squeers’s catalogue of his own merits and accomplishments, which was partly the result of a concerted plan between himself and Ralph Nickleby, and flowed, in part, from the black bottle, was here interrupted by Mrs Sliderskew.

‘Ha, ha, ha!’ she cried, folding her arms and wagging her head; ‘and so he wasn’t married after all, wasn’t he. Not married after all?’

‘No,’ replied Squeers, ‘that he wasn’t!’

‘And a young lover come and carried off the bride, eh?’ said Peg.

‘From under his very nose,’ replied Squeers; ‘and I’m told the young chap cut up rough besides, and broke the winders, and forced him to swaller his wedding favour which nearly choked him.’

‘Tell me all about it again,’ cried Peg, with a malicious relish of her old master’s defeat, which made her natural hideousness something quite fearful; ‘let’s hear it all again, beginning at the beginning now, as if you’d never told me. Let’s have it every word —now—now—beginning at the very first, you know, when he went to the house that morning!’

Mr Squeers, plying Mrs Sliderskew freely with the liquor, and sustaining himself under the exertion of speaking so loud by frequent applications to it himself, complied with this request by describing the discomfiture of Arthur Gride, with such improvements on the truth as happened to occur to him, and the ingenious invention and application of which had been very instrumental in recommending him to her notice in the beginning of their acquaintance. Mrs Sliderskew was in an ecstasy of delight, rolling her head about, drawing up her skinny shoulders, and wrinkling her cadaverous face into so many and such complicated forms of ugliness, as awakened the unbounded astonishment and disgust even of Mr Squeers.

‘He’s a treacherous old goat,’ said Peg, ‘and cozened me with cunning tricks and lying promises, but never mind. I’m even with him. I’m even with him.’

‘More than even, Slider,’ returned Squeers; ‘you’d have been even with him if he’d got married; but with the disappointment besides, you’re a long way ahead. Out of sight, Slider, quite out of sight. And that reminds me,’ he added, handing her the glass, ‘if you want me to give you my opinion of them deeds, and tell you what you’d better keep and what you’d better burn, why, now’s your time, Slider.’

‘There an’t no hurry for that,’ said Peg, with several knowing looks and winks.

‘Oh! very well!’ observed Squeers, ‘it don’t matter to me; you asked me, you know. I shouldn’t charge you nothing, being a friend. You’re the best judge of course. But you’re a bold woman, Slider.’

‘How do you mean, bold?’ said Peg.

‘Why, I only mean that if it was me, I wouldn’t keep papers as might hang me, littering about when they might be turned into money—them as wasn’t useful made away with, and them as was, laid by somewheres, safe; that’s all,’ returned Squeers; ‘but everybody’s the best judge of their own affairs. All I say is, Slider, I wouldn’t do it.’

‘Come,’ said Peg, ‘then you shall see ‘em.’

‘I don’t want to see ‘em,’ replied Squeers, affecting to be out of humour; ‘don’t talk as if it