Love and Friendship, and Other Early Works by Jane Austen (ebook offline .txt) 📕

of human pleasures and the uncertainty of their

duration, which led her to observe that all earthly Joys must be

imperfect. She was proceeding to illustrate this doctrine by

examples from the Lives of great Men when the Carriage came to

the Door and the amiable Moralist with her Father and Sister was

obliged to depart; but not without a promise of spending five or

six months with us on their return. We of course mentioned you,

and I assure you that ample Justice was done to your Merits by

all. “Louisa Clarke (said I) is in general a very pleasant Girl,

yet sometimes her good humour is clouded by Peevishness, Envy and

Spite. She neither wants Understanding or is without some

pretensions to Beauty, but these are so very trifling, that the

value she sets on her personal charms, and the adoration she

expects them to be offered are at once a striking example of her

vanity, her pride, and her folly.” So said I, and to my opinion

everyone added weight by the concurrence of their own.

Your affectionate

Arabella Smythe.

 

THE FIRST ACT OF A COMEDY

CHARACTERS

Popgun Maria

Charles Pistolletta

Postilion Hostess

Chorus of ploughboys Cook

and and

Strephon Chloe

SCENE—AN INN

ENTER Hostess, Charles, Maria, and Cook.

 

Hostess to Maria) If the gentry in the Lion should want beds,

shew them number 9.

 

Maria) Yes Mistress.— EXIT Maria

 

Hostess to Cook) If their Honours in the Moon ask for the bill of

fare, give it them.

 

Cook) I wull, I wull. EXIT Cook.

 

Hostess to Charles) If their Ladyships in the Sun ring their

Bell—answerit.

 

Charles) Yes Madam. EXEUNT Severally.

 

SCENE CHANGES TO THE MOON, and discovers Popgun and Pistoletta.

 

Pistoletta) Pray papa how far is it to London?

 

Popgun) My Girl, my Darling, my favourite of all my Children, who

art the picture of thy poor Mother who died two months ago, with

whom I am going to Town to marry to Strephon, and to whom I mean

to bequeath my whole Estate, it wants seven Miles.

SCENE CHANGES TO THE SUN—

ENTER Chloe and a chorus of ploughboys.

 

Chloe) Where am I? At Hounslow.—Where go I? To London—. What

to do? To be married—. Unto whom? Unto Strephon. Who is he?

A Youth. Then I will sing a song.

SONG

I go to Town

And when I come down,

I shall be married to Streephon* [*Note the two e’s]

And that to me will be fun.

 

Chorus) Be fun, be fun, be fun,

And that to me will be fun.

 

ENTER Cook—

Cook) Here is the bill of fare.

 

Chloe reads) 2 Ducks, a leg of beef, a stinking partridge, and a

tart.—I will have the leg of beef and the partridge. EXIT Cook.

And now I will sing another song.

SONG—

I am going to have my dinner,

After which I shan’t be thinner,

I wish I had here Strephon

For he would carve the partridge if it should

be a tough one.

 

Chorus)

Tough one, tough one, tough one

For he would carve the partridge if it

Should be a tough one.

EXIT Chloe and Chorus.—

 

SCENE CHANGES TO THE INSIDE OF THE LION.

 

Enter Strephon and Postilion.

Streph:) You drove me from Staines to this place, from whence I

mean to go to Town to marry Chloe. How much is your due?

 

Post:) Eighteen pence.

Streph:) Alas, my freind, I have but a bad guinea with which I

mean to support myself in Town. But I will pawn to you an

undirected Letter that I received from Chloe.

 

Post:) Sir, I accept your offer.

 

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

 

A LETTER from a YOUNG LADY, whose feelings being too strong for

her Judgement led her into the commission of Errors which her

Heart disapproved.

 

Many have been the cares and vicissitudes of my past life, my

beloved Ellinor, and the only consolation I feel for their

bitterness is that on a close examination of my conduct, I am

convinced that I have strictly deserved them. I murdered my

father at a very early period of my Life, I have since murdered

my Mother, and I am now going to murder my Sister. I have

changed my religion so often that at present I have not an idea

of any left. I have been a perjured witness in every public tryal

for these last twelve years; and I have forged my own Will. In

short there is scarcely a crime that I have not committed—But I

am now going to reform. Colonel Martin of the Horse guards has

paid his Addresses to me, and we are to be married in a few days.

As there is something singular in our Courtship, I will give you

an account of it. Colonel Martin is the second son of the late

Sir John Martin who died immensely rich, but bequeathing only one

hundred thousand pound apeice to his three younger Children, left

the bulk of his fortune, about eight Million to the present Sir

Thomas. Upon his small pittance the Colonel lived tolerably

contented for nearly four months when he took it into his head to

determine on getting the whole of his eldest Brother’s Estate. A

new will was forged and the Colonel produced it in Court—but

nobody would swear to it’s being the right will except himself,

and he had sworn so much that Nobody beleived him. At that moment

I happened to be passing by the door of the Court, and was

beckoned in by the Judge who told the Colonel that I was a Lady

ready to witness anything for the cause of Justice, and advised

him to apply to me. In short the Affair was soon adjusted. The

Colonel and I swore to its’ being the right will, and Sir Thomas

has been obliged to resign all his illgotten wealth. The Colonel

in gratitude waited on me the next day with an offer of his hand

—. I am now going to murder my Sister.

Yours Ever,

Anna Parker.

A TOUR THROUGH WALES—

in a LETTER from a YOUNG LADY—

 

My Dear Clara

I have been so long on the ramble that I have not till now had it

in my power to thank you for your Letter—. We left our dear home

on last Monday month; and proceeded on our tour through Wales,

which is a principality contiguous to England and gives the title

to the Prince of Wales. We travelled on horseback by preference.

My Mother rode upon our little poney and Fanny and I walked by

her side or rather ran, for my Mother is so fond of riding fast

that she galloped all the way. You may be sure that we were in a

fine perspiration when we came to our place of resting. Fanny has

taken a great many Drawings of the Country, which are very

beautiful, tho’ perhaps not such exact resemblances as might be

wished, from their being taken as she ran along. It would

astonish you to see all the Shoes we wore out in our Tour. We

determined to take a good Stock with us and therefore each took a

pair of our own besides those we set off in. However we were

obliged to have them both capped and heelpeiced at Carmarthen,

and at last when they were quite gone, Mama was so kind as to

lend us a pair of blue Sattin Slippers, of which we each took one

and hopped home from Hereford delightfully–

I am your ever affectionate

Elizabeth Johnson.

 

A TALE.

 

A Gentleman whose family name I shall conceal, bought a small

Cottage in Pembrokeshire about two years ago. This daring Action

was suggested to him by his elder Brother who promised to furnish

two rooms and a Closet for him, provided he would take a small

house near the borders of an extensive Forest, and about three

Miles from the Sea. Wilhelminus gladly accepted the offer and

continued for some time searching after such a retreat when he

was one morning agreably releived from his suspence by reading

this advertisement in a Newspaper.

TO BE LETT

A Neat Cottage on the borders of an extensive forest and about

three Miles from the Sea. It is ready furnished except two rooms

and a Closet.

 

The delighted Wilhelminus posted away immediately to his brother,

and shewed him the advertisement. Robertus congratulated him and

sent him in his Carriage to take possession of the Cottage.

After travelling for three days and six nights without stopping,

they arrived at the Forest and following a track which led by

it’s side down a steep Hill over which ten Rivulets meandered,

they reached the Cottage in half an hour. Wilhelminus alighted,

and after knocking for some time without receiving any answer or

hearing any one stir within, he opened the door which was

fastened only by a wooden latch and entered a small room, which

he immediately perceived to be one of the two that were

unfurnished—From thence he proceeded into a Closet equally

bare. A pair of stairs that went out of it led him into a room

above, no less destitute, and these apartments he found composed

the whole of the House. He was by no means displeased with this

discovery, as he had the comfort of reflecting that he should not

be obliged to lay out anything on furniture himself—. He

returned immediately to his Brother, who took him the next day to

every Shop in Town, and bought what ever was requisite to furnish

the two rooms and the Closet, In a few days everything was

completed, and Wilhelminus returned to take possession of his

Cottage. Robertus accompanied him, with his Lady the amiable

Cecilia and her two lovely Sisters Arabella and Marina to whom

Wilhelminus was tenderly attached, and a large number of

Attendants.—An ordinary Genius might probably have been

embarrassed, in endeavouring to accomodate so large a party, but

Wilhelminus with admirable presence of mind gave orders for the

immediate erection of two noble Tents in an open spot in the

Forest adjoining to the house. Their Construction was both

simple and elegant—A couple of old blankets, each supported by

four sticks, gave a striking proof of that taste for architecture

and that happy ease in overcoming difficulties which were some of

Wilhelminus’s most striking Virtues.