The Club of Queer Trades by G. K. Chesterton (readnow TXT) đź“•
"Who on earth are you?" he gasped, trembling violently.
"I am Major Brown," said that individual, who was always cool in the hour of action.
The old man gaped helplessly like some monstrous fish. At last he stammered wildly, "Come down--come down here!"
"At your service," said the Major, and alighted at a bound on the grass beside him, without disarranging his silk hat.
The old man turned his broad back and set off at a sort of waddling run towards the house, followed with swift steps by the Major. His guide led him through the back passages of a gloomy, but gorgeously appointed house, until they reached the door of the front room. Then the old man turned with a face of apoplectic terror dimly showing in the twilight.
"For heaven's sake," he said, "don't mention jackals."
Then he threw open the door, releasing a burst of red lamplight, and ran downstairs with a clatter.
The Major stepped into a rich, glowing room, full of red copper, and peacock
Read free book «The Club of Queer Trades by G. K. Chesterton (readnow TXT) 📕» - read online or download for free at americanlibrarybooks.com
- Author: G. K. Chesterton
- Performer: -
Read book online «The Club of Queer Trades by G. K. Chesterton (readnow TXT) 📕». Author - G. K. Chesterton
Mr Bingham looked bewildered.
“I really don’t know,” he said, blinking his eyes, “what you are talking about. Do you ask us to give this obvious lunatic nearly a thousand a year for life?”
“Not at all,” cried Basil, keenly and triumphantly. “I never said for life. Not at all.”
“What for, then?” asked the meek Bingham, suppressing an instinct meekly to tear his hair. “How long is this endowment to run? Not till his death? Till the Judgement day?”
“No,” said Basil, beaming, “but just what I said. Till he has stopped dancing.” And he lay back with satisfaction and his hands in his pockets.
Bingham had by this time fastened his eyes keenly on Basil Grant and kept them there.
“Come, Mr Grant,” he said. “Do I seriously understand you to suggest that the Government pay Professor Chadd an extraordinarily high salary simply on the ground that he has (pardon the phrase) gone mad? That he should be paid more than four good clerks solely on the ground that he is flinging his boots about in the back yard?”
“Precisely,” said Grant composedly.
“That this absurd payment is not only to run on with the absurd dancing, but actually to stop with the absurd dancing?”
“One must stop somewhere,” said Grant. “Of course.”
Bingham rose and took up his perfect stick and gloves.
“There is really nothing more to be said, Mr Grant,” he said coldly. “What you are trying to explain to me may be a joke—a slightly unfeeling joke. It may be your sincere view, in which case I ask your pardon for the former suggestion. But, in any case, it appears quite irrelevant to my duties. The mental morbidity, the mental downfall, of Professor Chadd, is a thing so painful to me that I cannot easily endure to speak of it. But it is clear there is a limit to everything. And if the Archangel Gabriel went mad it would sever his connection, I am sorry to say, with the British Museum Library.”
He was stepping towards the door, but Grant’s hand, flung out in dramatic warning, arrested him.
“Stop!” said Basil sternly. “Stop while there is yet time. Do you want to take part in a great work, Mr Bingham? Do you want to help in the glory of Europe—in the glory of science? Do you want to carry your head in the air when it is bald or white because of the part that you bore in a great discovery? Do you want—”
Bingham cut in sharply:
“And if I do want this, Mr Grant—”
“Then,” said Basil lightly, “your task is easy. Get Chadd L800 a year till he stops dancing.”
With a fierce flap of his swinging gloves Bingham turned impatiently to the door, but in passing out of it found it blocked. Dr Colman was coming in.
“Forgive me, gentlemen,” he said, in a nervous, confidential voice, “the fact is, Mr Grant, I—er—have made a most disturbing discovery about Mr Chadd.”
Bingham looked at him with grave eyes.
“I was afraid so,” he said. “Drink, I imagine.”
“Drink!” echoed Colman, as if that were a much milder affair. “Oh, no, it’s not drink.”
Mr Bingham became somewhat agitated, and his voice grew hurried and vague. “Homicidal mania—” he began.
“No, no,” said the medical man impatiently.
“Thinks he’s made of glass,” said Bingham feverishly, “or says he’s God—or—”
“No,” said Dr Colman sharply; “the fact is, Mr Grant, my discovery is of a different character. The awful thing about him is—”
“Oh, go on, sir,” cried Bingham, in agony.
“The awful thing about him is,” repeated Colman, with deliberation, “that he isn’t mad.”
“Not mad!”
“There are quite well-known physical tests of lunacy,” said the doctor shortly; “he hasn’t got any of them.”
“But why does he dance?” cried the despairing Bingham. “Why doesn’t he answer us? Why hasn’t he spoken to his family?”
“The devil knows,” said Dr Colman coolly. “I’m paid to judge of lunatics, but not of fools. The man’s not mad.”
“What on earth can it mean? Can’t we make him listen?” said Mr Bingham. “Can none get into any kind of communication with him?”
Grant’s voice struck in sudden and clear, like a steel bell:
“I shall be very happy,” he said, “to give him any message you like to send.”
Both men stared at him.
“Give him a message?” they cried simultaneously. “How will you give him a message?”
Basil smiled in his slow way.
“If you really want to know how I shall give him your message,” he began, but Bingham cried:
“Of course, of course,” with a sort of frenzy.
“Well,” said Basil, “like this.” And he suddenly sprang a foot into the air, coming down with crashing boots, and then stood on one leg.
His face was stern, though this effect was slightly spoiled by the fact that one of his feet was making wild circles in the air.
“You drive me to it,” he said. “You drive me to betray my friend. And I will, for his own sake, betray him.”
The sensitive face of Bingham took on an extra expression of distress as of one anticipating some disgraceful disclosure. “Anything painful, of course—” he began.
Basil let his loose foot fall on the carpet with a crash that struck them all rigid in their feeble attitudes.
“Idiots!” he cried. “Have you seen the man? Have you looked at James Chadd going dismally to and fro from his dingy house to your miserable library, with his futile books and his confounded umbrella, and never seen that he has the eyes of a fanatic? Have you never noticed, stuck casually behind his spectacles and above his seedy old collar, the face of a man who might have burned heretics, or died for the philosopher’s stone? It is all my fault, in a way: I lit the dynamite of his deadly faith. I argued against him on the score of his famous theory about language—the theory that language was complete in certain individuals and was picked up by others simply by watching them. I also chaffed him about not understanding things in rough and ready practice. What has this glorious bigot done? He has answered me. He has worked out a system of language of his own (it would take too long to explain); he has made up, I say, a language of his own. And he has sworn that till people understand it, till he can speak to us in this language, he will not speak in any other. And he shall not. I have understood, by taking careful notice; and, by heaven, so shall the others. This shall not be blown upon. He shall finish his experiment. He shall have L800 a year from somewhere till he has stopped dancing. To stop him now is an infamous war on a great idea. It is religious persecution.”
Mr Bingham held out his hand cordially.
“I thank you, Mr Grant,” he said. “I hope I shall be able to answer for the source of the L800 and I fancy that I shall. Will you come in my cab?”
“No, thank you very much, Mr Bingham,” said Grant heartily. “I think I will go and have a chat with the professor in the garden.”
The conversation between Chadd and Grant appeared to be personal and friendly. They were still dancing when I left.
The Eccentric Seclusion of the Old Lady
The conversation of Rupert Grant had two great elements of interest—first, the long fantasias of detective deduction in which he was engaged, and, second, his genuine romantic interest in the life of London. His brother Basil said of him: “His reasoning is particularly cold and clear, and invariably leads him wrong. But his poetry comes in abruptly and leads him right.” Whether this was true of Rupert as a whole, or no, it was certainly curiously supported by one story about him which I think worth telling.
We were walking along a lonely terrace in Brompton together. The street was full of that bright blue twilight which comes about half past eight in summer, and which seems for the moment to be not so much a coming of darkness as the turning on of a new azure illuminator, as if the earth were lit suddenly by a sapphire sun. In the cool blue the lemon tint of the lamps had already begun to flame, and as Rupert and I passed them, Rupert talking excitedly, one after another the pale sparks sprang out of the dusk. Rupert was talking excitedly because he was trying to prove to me the nine hundred and ninety-ninth of his amateur detective theories. He would go about London, with this mad logic in his brain, seeing a conspiracy in a cab accident, and a special providence in a falling fusee. His suspicions at the moment were fixed upon an unhappy milkman who walked in front of us. So arresting were the incidents which afterwards overtook us that I am really afraid that I have forgotten what were the main outlines of the milkman’s crime. I think it had something to do with the fact that he had only one small can of milk to carry, and that of that he had left the lid loose and walked so quickly that he spilled milk on the pavement. This showed that he was not thinking of his small burden, and this again showed that he anticipated some other than lacteal business at the end of his walk, and this (taken in conjunction with something about muddy boots) showed something else that I have entirely forgotten. I am afraid that I derided this detailed revelation unmercifully; and I am afraid that Rupert Grant, who, though the best of fellows, had a good deal of the sensitiveness of the artistic temperament, slightly resented my derision. He endeavoured to take a whiff of his cigar, with the placidity which he associated with his profession, but the cigar, I think, was nearly bitten through.
“My dear fellow,” he said acidly, “I’ll bet you half a crown that wherever that milkman comes to a real stop I’ll find out something curious.”
“My resources are equal to that risk,” I said, laughing. “Done.”
We walked on for about a quarter of an hour in silence in the trail of the mysterious milkman. He walked quicker and quicker, and we had some ado to keep up with him; and every now and then he left a splash of milk, silver in the lamplight. Suddenly, almost before we could note it, he disappeared down the area steps of a house. I believe Rupert really believed that the milkman was a fairy; for a second he seemed to accept him as having vanished. Then calling something to me which somehow took no hold on my mind, he darted after the mystic milkman, and disappeared himself into the area.
I waited for at least five minutes, leaning against a lamp-post in the lonely street. Then the milkman came swinging up the steps without his can and hurried off clattering down the road. Two or three minutes more elapsed, and then Rupert came bounding up also, his face pale but yet laughing; a not uncommon contradiction in him, denoting excitement.
“My friend,” he said, rubbing his hands, “so much for all your scepticism. So much for your philistine ignorance of the possibilities of a romantic city. Two and sixpence, my boy, is the form in which your prosaic good nature will have to express itself.”
“What?” I said incredulously, “do you mean to say that you really did find anything the matter with the poor milkman?”
His face fell.
“Oh, the milkman,” he said, with a miserable affectation at having misunderstood me. “No, I—I—didn’t exactly bring anything home to the milkman himself, I—”
“What did the milkman say and do?” I
Comments (0)