Going into Society by Charles Dickens (the false prince series txt) š
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- Author: Charles Dickens
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On being asked if it were he who had once rented the House to Let, Grizzled Velveteen looked surprised, and said yes. Then his name was Magsman? That was it, Toby Magsmanāwhich lawfully christened Robert; but called in the line, from a infant, Toby. There was nothing agin Toby Magsman, he believed? If there was suspicion of suchāmention it!
There was no suspicion of such, he might rest assured. But, some inquiries were making about that House, and would he object to say why he left it?
Not at all; why should he? He left it, along of a Dwarf.
Along of a Dwarf?
Mr. Magsman repeated, deliberately and emphatically, Along of a Dwarf.
Might it be compatible with Mr. Magsmanās inclination and convenience to enter, as a favour, into a few particulars?
Mr. Magsman entered into the following particulars.
It was a long time ago, to begin with;āafore lotteries and a deal more was done away with. Mr. Magsman was looking about for a good pitch, and he see that house, and he says to himself, āIāll have you, if youāre to be had. If moneyāll get you, Iāll have you.ā
The neighbours cut up rough, and made complaints; but Mr. Magsman donāt know what they WOULD have had. It was a lovely thing. First of all, there was the canvass, representin the picter of the Giant, in Spanish trunks and a ruff, who was himself half the heighth of the house, and was run up with a line and pulley to a pole on the roof, so that his Ed was coeval with the parapet. Then, there was the canvass, representin the picter of the Albina lady, showing her white air to the Army and Navy in correct uniform. Then, there was the canvass, representin the picter of the Wild Indian a scalpin a member of some foreign nation. Then, there was the canvass, representin the picter of a child of a British Planter, seized by two Boa Constrictorsānot that WE never had no child, nor no Constrictors neither. Similarly, there was the canvass, representin the picter of the Wild Ass of the Prairiesānot that WE never had no wild asses, nor wouldnāt have had āem at a gift. Last, there was the canvass, representin the picter of the Dwarf, and like him too (considerin), with George the Fourth in such a state of astonishment at him as His Majesty couldnāt with his utmost politeness and stoutness express. The front of the House was so covered with canvasses, that there wasnāt a spark of daylight ever visible on that side. āMAGSMANāS AMUSEMENTS,ā fifteen foot long by two foot high, ran over the front door and parlour winders. The passage was a Arbour of green baize and gardenstuff. A barrel-organ performed there unceasing. And as to respectability,āif threepence aināt respectable, what is?
But, the Dwarf is the principal article at present, and he was worth the money. He was wrote up as MAJOR TPSCHOFFKI, OF THE IMPERIAL BULGRADERIAN BRIGADE. Nobody couldnāt pronounce the name, and it never was intended anybody should. The public always turned it, as a regular rule, into Chopski. In the line he was called Chops; partly on that account, and partly because his real name, if he ever had any real name (which was very dubious), was Stakes.
He was a uncommon small man, he really was. Certainly not so small as he was made out to be, but where IS your Dwarf as is? He was a most uncommon small man, with a most uncommon large Ed; and what he had inside that Ed, nobody ever knowed but himself: even supposin himself to have ever took stock of it, which it would have been a stiff job for even him to do.
The kindest little man as never growed! Spirited, but not proud. When he travelled with the Spotted Babyāthough he knowed himself to be a natāral Dwarf, and knowed the Babyās spots to be put upon him artificial, he nursed that Baby like a mother. You never heerd him give a ill-name to a Giant. He DID allow himself to break out into strong language respectin the Fat Lady from Norfolk; but that was an affair of the āart; and when a manās āart has been trifled with by a lady, and the preference giv to a Indian, he aināt master of his actions.
He was always in love, of course; every human natāral phenomenon is. And he was always in love with a large woman; I never knowed the Dwarf as could be got to love a small one. Which helps to keep āem the Curiosities they are.
One singāler idea he had in that Ed of his, which must have meant something, or it wouldnāt have been there. It was always his opinion that he was entitled to property. He never would put his name to anything. He had been taught to write, by the young man without arms, who got his living with his toes (quite a writing master HE was, and taught scores in the line), but Chops would have starved to death, afore heād have gained a bit of bread by putting his hand to a paper. This is the more curious to bear in mind, because HE had no property, nor hope of property, except his house and a sarser. When I say his house, I mean the box, painted and got up outside like a regālar six-roomer, that he used to creep into, with a diamond ring (or quite as good to look at) on his forefinger, and ring a little bell out of what the Public believed to be the Drawing-room winder. And when I say a sarser, I mean a Chaney sarser in which he made a collection for himself at the end of every Entertainment. His cue for that, he took from me: āLadies and gentlemen, the little man will now walk three times round the Cairawan, and retire behind the curtain.ā When he said anything important, in private life, he mostly wound it up with this form of words, and they was generally the last thing he said to me at night afore he went to bed.
He had what I consider a fine mindāa poetic mind. His ideas respectin his property never come upon him so strong as when he sat upon a barrel-organ and had the handle turned. Arter the wibration had run through him a little time, he would screech out, āToby, I feel my property comingāgrind away! Iām counting my guineas by thousands, Tobyāgrind away! Toby, I shall be a man of fortun! I feel the Mint a jingling in me, Toby, and Iām swelling out into the Bank of England!ā Such is the influence of music on a poetic mind. Not that he was partial to any other music but a barrel-organ; on the contrary, hated it.
He had a kind of a everlasting grudge agin the Public: which is a thing you may notice in many phenomenons that get their living out of it. What riled him most in the nater of his occupation was, that it kep him out of Society. He was continiwally saying, āToby, my ambition is, to go into Society. The curse of my position towards the Public is, that it keeps me hout of Society. This donāt signify to a low beast of a Indian; he anāt formed for Society. This donāt signify to a Spotted Baby; HE anāt formed for Society.āI am.ā
Nobody never could make out what Chops done with his money. He had a good salary, down on the drum every Saturday as the day came round, besides having the run of his teethāand he was a Woodpecker to eatābut all Dwarfs are. The sarser was a little income, bringing him in so many halfpence that heād carry āem for a week together, tied up in a pocket-handkercher. And yet he never had money. And it couldnāt be the Fat Lady from Norfolk, as was once supposed; because it stands to reason that when you have a animosity towards a Indian, which makes you grind your teeth at him to his face, and which can hardly hold you from Goosing him audible when heās going through his WarDanceāit stands to reason you wouldnāt under them circumstances deprive yourself, to support that Indian in the lap of luxury.
Most unexpected, the mystery come out one day at Egham Races. The Public was shy of bein pulled in, and Chops was ringin his little bell out of his drawing-room winder, and was snarlin to me over his shoulder as he kneeled down with his legs out at the back-doorāfor he couldnāt be shoved into his house without kneeling down, and the premises wouldnāt accommodate his legsāwas snarlin, āHereās a precious Public for you; why the Devil donāt they tumble up?ā when a man in the crowd holds up a carrier-pigeon, and cries out, āIf thereās any person here as has got a ticket, the Lotteryās just drawed, and the number as has come up for the great prize is three, seven, forty-two! Three, seven, forty-two!ā I was givin the man to the Furies myself, for calling off the Publicās attentionāfor the Public will turn away, at any time, to look at anything in preference to the thing showed āem; and if you doubt it, get āem together for any indiwidual purpose on the face of the earth, and send only two people in late, and see if the whole company anāt far more interested in takin particular notice of them two than of youā I say, I wasnāt best pleased with the man for callin out, and wasnāt blessin him in my own mind, when I see Chopsās little bell fly out of winder at a old lady, and he gets up and kicks his box over, exposin the whole secret, and he catches hold of the calves of my legs and he says to me, āCarry me into the wan, Toby, and throw a pail of water over me or Iām a dead man, for Iāve come into my property!ā
Twelve thousand odd hundred pound, was Chopsās winnins. He had bought a half-ticket for the twenty-five thousand prize, and it had come up. The first use he made of his property, was, to offer to fight the Wild Indian for five hundred pound a side, him with a poisoned darnin-needle and the Indian with a club; but the Indian being in want of backers to that amount, it went no further.
Arter he had been mad for a weekāin a state of mind, in short, in which, if I had let him sit on the organ for only two minutes, I believe he would have bustābut we kep the organ from himāMr. Chops come round, and behaved liberal and beautiful to all. He then sent for a young man he knowed, as had a wery genteel appearance and was a Bonnet at a gaming-booth (most respectable brought up, father havin been imminent in the livery stable line but unfortānate in a commercial crisis, through paintin a old gray, ginger-bay, and sellin him with a Pedigree), and Mr. Chops said to this Bonnet, who said his name was Normandy, which it wasnāt:
āNormandy, Iām a goin into Society. Will you go with me?ā
Says Normandy: āDo I understand you, Mr. Chops, to hintimate that the āole of the expenses of that move will be
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