AND THE STORY BEGINS by Rina Tri Lestari (snow like ashes txt) 📕

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9.15 pm
There is nowhere to go, for she no longer has a place to be called home. There is nobody to follow, for people are getting shallow. Has no friend to say hello, for she is a girl with no school to attend or neighbor to tell a story about a big fish in the river. There is no world to conquer, no dream to come true, for she is already losing the guts to fight. No need to worry, for she is just a girl with a huge silent fellow.

10.50 pm
The world keeps its silence. The girl keeps her stillness. Does she breathe? Is she even alive? For there is no motion or a single voice she makes. Well, don’t ask me, for I am just a huge backpack with no lips to tell you her story. She is just a girl, that’s all I know. She’s just a girl with no expression, for she has already sold her soul to the unlimited dark of a mad world.

***

BABY IT HURTS

A boy, a book, a pen and a broken heart.
----
A room, somewhere unknown.
----
Someday in October.


Baby it hurts, to see but not to touch
Baby it’s hard, to love but never to hold
Baby though it’s hard, just believe me it hurts me so much

-----

Baby I cry, for time passes by and I’m too scared to try
Baby I mourn, in the nights when dreams come by and you’re there, saying goodbye
Baby I try, to let you go and to forget how beautiful you are

-----

Baby I’m here, for there never be a place to hide, to burry this feeling
Baby I’m still here, standing in a distance just to know how long I can endure
And baby here I am, giving you back the promise for I’m no longer in faith

-----

Baby it hurts
Baby I’m hurt, to love but never to tell that I’m in love
Baby it’s you, if only you knew


Boy it hurts,
Here comes the rain again. Gee, the rain always comes in a moment like this. I’m not saying that I hate it, you know well how much I love it. All that I don’t want is to feel this feeling, all that I hate is that I have to feel it alone. You’re there, always, I know. Though sometimes I question where you are but I know we’re watching the same sky.

Boy it hurts,
Still it rains, hard. Still I feel this pain, inside. Sometimes I wonder whether you can feel it or not. Something tells me, though not loud, you’re waiting, there in your world. Then again I wonder, what are you waiting for? It’s a question that leads me to another question, whether it is love or just another talk.

Boy I’m hurt,
What is it in a promise, nothing? Say it then forget it. Do I hate you? No, I don’t. You know how much I adore you. You know how I feel about you, don’t you? Gee, again I have to question you, your feeling. Then I question myself, my feeling, is it really you that I want in my life? Is it you who will dance with me under the rain?

Boy I’m hurt, if only you ever knew that I’m the girl who want you to love, to love me.

(Stranger, Secondhand Serenade playing indistinct).

***

I AM NOT A CLOWN

I laugh a lot, I’m not a clown
I make you laugh, I’m not a clown
People laugh at me, I’m not a clown
Standing, they wait for me to make them laugh, I’m not a clown
I wear no make up for I’m not a clown
I wear no mask for I’m not a clown

You see me smiling, you smile
You see me singing, you sing
You find me dancing, you dance
You find me, once again, laughing, you laugh
You treat me like I’m a clown
You want me to be a clown

Wandering, I’m not a clown
Make a move, turn around and round, I’m not a clown
Teasing me, you want to see a clown
Chasing me, you beg me to be a clown
You can’t see me for you have no guts
You can’t feel me for you have no heart

I laugh a lot, though I’m not a clown, for cries are something I don’t wanna share
I always smile, though I’m not a clown, for gloom hurts so bad that you don’t wanna know
Traveling from one place to another, I’m not a clown, for no heart strong enough to make me stay
Dancing, singing, I’m not a clown, for money is never be a reason I do so
Sharing hope and happiness, I’m not a clown, is what I’m trying to do
Show some love and care, I’m not a clown, I don’t mind you to know
(But) just forget me if you still see me as a clown who will make you laugh all day long, you dear shallow

***

I JUST WANNA KISS YOUR HAND

Come home, we miss you.
A girl, sitting on a bench at the hectic train station, sighs. A line, from a short message she received last night, is displaying once again on her mind, the line that was sent by someone one hundred miles away. She closes her eyes as her memory begins to distract.
“How can I deny you?” she whispers.
The train station is crowded. People come, people chat, people make noise and people go. The train she is waiting for comes. She takes a deep breath then stands.
“What it is in a distance?” she questions herself.
Another journey begins. Another four hour on the wheels. It is never about the destination. Being on the wheels is what she loves the most, always.
“You come,” a man welcomes her.
“Yes, I do.”
“You’re lovely, as always.”
She smiles, “Thank you. You look great too.”
He laughs. Words never come easily. Feeling is just too precious to be spoken, not to be faked for it is not a platitude, never it be. An hour passes. Another silent sixty minutes to be broken.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
She smiles as if she wants to say, you know I can’t stay.
“Please stay,” he begs.
“This is not my home, not anymore,” unspoken, just another smile she gives to him.
“I love you, you know I do,” he says.
He stares at her, straight to her eyes. Another smile before she turns her face. Looking at the nothingness, just to keep her heart from falling is what she does.
“Forgive me Father but I can’t stay. I just wanted to kiss your hands, the hands that gently rubbed my hair whenever I wanted to sleep. What it is in a distance? Nothing. I see you, I feel you, I love you,” she whispers.

***

THIS TIME, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

There was a boy. He did not sing. He did not dance. He did not even talk. He just smiled. There was also a girl. She sang. She danced. She laughed but she did not smile. The boy used to come. He did not walk. He did not run. He did not fly. He was just there, everywhere she looked at to. The girl used to be away. She crawled. She wandered. She jumped. Never, she was there for him.
One fine day the girl lost her dream. She ran far, faraway, wished no one would see her. Covered her face with her hands, for tears should not be seen. Unnoticed, the boy came. Still, there were no words from him. He just stood, there, right in front of her. He gave his very best smile. Since the girl was still crying, he grabbed her hands. Hold them tightly then put them against his heart. There was no sound but the girl heard a melody. Being amazed, she began to stop crying. The boy gave another smile, this time the sweetest one. Together they began to smile.
Hundreds years later there was you. You talked. You sang. You laughed. You also taught the girl how to smile, for she no longer smiled. She forgot how to smile, for the one who gave her a big smile had gone. She ran, this time faster and further. Not to hate for she just could not stand her feeling. You gave her a look but she saw a picture. A picture of you reminded her of a boy who loved to smile. That look on your picture was the look she tried to forget for these so many years.
Now, after so many tears this is about her. She wants to learn how to smile. She wants to forget the past and wants to start living for tomorrow. She wants to move on. She wants to sing along. And hopefully, in time, she will be able to smile. So this time, this isn’t about him or you.

***

I WISH I COULD STAY

Wish I could stay, I wish
Words hurt so bad, sometimes they kill
Said never stop but I will
For there’s nothing to hold, to help me feel
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Wish I could stay, my wish
You point a finger, you better kill
Hate to say goodbye but I will
For pride is never free, fame’s just too scary
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Wish I could stay, you wish
Your silence speaks so loud, your lips taste like dirt
Just another goodbye, it won’t kill
For you always find flesh to feed your hunger
-----
Wish I could stay, your wish
Say I don’t care, you push me away
And if goodbye means forever, sorry will linger
For I will find my path and our souls will be forbidden

***

AND THE STORY BEGINS

Another name (not) to be deleted
Another memory (not) to be erased
Another face (not) to be forgotten
Another life (not) to be ended

It’s a circle, vicious cycle. It comes and goes, arrives then leaves. It’s a wheel, rises then falls, goes up then goes down. It’s life.

Another name to be spelt
Another memory to be made
Another face to be recognized
Another life to be lived

It’s not the end of the world, in fact it’s the beginning of a new world. Spring always comes after the autumn. Slumber at night then you’ll wake up somehow.

Another story to tell
Another road to take
Another hand to hold
Another me, may be, to meet another you

And the story begins…

***

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