The American Claimant by Mark Twain (non fiction books to read .TXT) 📕

Three times a day.

(Renewal of furious catfight for a moment. The plaintive voice on a high fierce key, “Scat, you devils”—and a racket as of flying missiles.)

“Well, never mind—let it go. I’ve got some sailor-profanity down in there somewhere, if I could get to it. But it isn’t any matter; you see how the machine works.”

Hawkins responded with enthusiasm:

“O, it works admirably! I know there’s a hundred fortunes in it.”

“And mind, the Hawkins family get their share, Washington.”

“O, thanks, thanks; you are just as generous as ever. Ah, it’s the grandest invention of the age!”

“Ah, well; we live in wonderful times. The elements are crowded full of beneficent forces—always have been—and ours is the first generation to turn them to account and make them work for us. Why Hawkins, everything is useful—nothing ought ever to be wasted. Now look at sewer gas, for instance. Sewer gas has always been wasted, heretofore; nobody tried to save up sewer-gas—you can’t name me a man. Ain’t that so? you know perfectly well it’s so.”

“Yes it is so—but I never—er—I don’t quite see why a body—”

“Should want to save it up? Well, I’ll tell you. Do you see this little invention here?—it’s a decomposer—I call it a decomposer. I give you my word of honor that if you show me a house that produces a given quantity of sewer-gas in a day, I’ll engage to set up my decomposer there and make that house produce a hundred times that quantity of sewer-gas in less than half an hour.”

“Dear me, but why should you want to?”

“Want to? Listen, and you’ll see. My boy, for illuminating purposes and economy combined, there’s nothing in the world that begins with sewer-gas. And really, it don’t cost a cent. You put in a good inferior article of plumbing,—such as you find everywhere—and add my decomposer, and there you are. Just use the ordinary gas pipes—and there your expense ends. Think of it. Why, Major, in five years from now you won’t see a house lighted with anything but sewer-gas. Every physician I talk to, recommends it; and every plumber.”

“But isn’t it dangerous?”

“O, yes, more or less, but everything is—coal gas, candles, electricity —there isn’t anything that ain’t.”

“It lights up well, does it?”

“O, magnificently.”

“Have you given it a good trial?”

“Well, no, not a first rate one. Polly’s prejudiced, and she won’t let me put it in here; but I’m playing my cards to get it adopted in the President’s house, and then it’ll go—don’t you doubt it. I shall not need this one for the present, Washington; you may take it down to some boarding-house and give it a trial if you like.”

CHAPTER XVIII.

Washington shuddered slightly at the suggestion, then his face took on a dreamy look and he dropped into a trance of thought. After a little, Sellers asked him what he was grinding in his mental mill.

“Well, this. Have you got some secret project in your head which requires a Bank of England back of it to make it succeed?”

The Colonel showed lively astonishment, and said:

“Why, Hawkins, are you a mind-reader?”

“I? I never thought of such a thing.”

“Well, then how did you happen to drop onto that idea in this curious fashion? It’s just mind-reading, that’s what it is, though you may not know it. Because I have got a private project that requires a Bank of England at its back. How could you divine that? What was the process? This is interesting.”

“There wasn’t any process. A thought like this happened to slip through my head by accident: How much would make you or me comfortable? A hundred thousand. Yet you are expecting two or three of—these inventions of yours to turn out some billions of money—and you are wanting them to do that. If you wanted ten millions, I could understand that—it’s inside the human limits. But billions! That’s clear outside the limits. There must be a definite project back of that somewhere.”

The earl’s interest and surprise augmented with every word, and when Hawkins finished, he said with strong admiration:

“It’s wonderfully reasoned out, Washington, it certainly is. It shows what I think is quite extraordinary penetration. For you’ve hit it; you’ve driven the centre, you’ve plugged the bulls-eye of my dream. Now I’ll tell you the whole thing, and you’ll understand it. I don’t need to ask you to keep it to yourself, because you’ll see that the project will prosper all the better for being kept in the background till the right time. Have you noticed how many pamphlets and books I’ve got lying around relating to Russia?”

“Yes, I think most anybody would notice that—anybody who wasn’t dead.”

“Well, I’ve been posting myself a good while. That’s a great and, splendid nation, and deserves to be set free.” He paused, then added in a quite matter-of-fact way, “When I get this money I’m going to set it free.”

“Great guns!”

“Why, what makes you jump like that?”

“Dear me, when you are going to drop a remark under a man’s chair that is likely to blow him out through the roof, why don’t you put some expression, some force, some noise unto it that will prepare him? You shouldn’t flip out such a gigantic thing as this in that colorless kind of a way. You do jolt a person up, so. Go on, now, I’m all right again. Tell me all about it. I’m all interest—yes, and sympathy, too.”

“Well, I’ve looked the ground over, and concluded that the methods of the Russian patriots, while good enough considering the way the boys are hampered, are not the best; at least not the quickest. They are trying to revolutionize Russia from within; that’s pretty slow, you know, and liable to interruption all the time, and is full of perils for the workers. Do you know how Peter the Great started his army? He didn’t start it on the family premises under the noses of the Strelitzes; no, he started it away off yonder, privately,—only just one regiment, you know, and he built to that. The first thing the Strelitzes knew, the regiment was an army, their position was turned, and they had to take a walk. Just that little idea made the biggest and worst of all the despotisms the world has seen. The same idea can unmake it. I’m going to prove it. I’m going to get out to one side and work my scheme the way Peter did.”

“This is mighty interesting, Rossmore. What is it you are, going to do?”

“I am going to buy Siberia and start a republic.”

“There,—bang you go again, without giving any notice! Going to buy it?”

“Yes, as soon as I get the money. I don’t care what the price is, I shall take it. I can afford it, and I will. Now then, consider this— and you’ve never thought of it, I’ll warrant. Where is the place where there is twenty-five times more manhood, pluck, true heroism, unselfishness, devotion to high and noble ideals, adoration of liberty, wide education, and brains, per thousand of population, than any other domain in the whole world can show?”

“Siberia!”

“Right.”

“It is true; it certainly is true, but I never thought of it before.”

“Nobody ever thinks of it. But it’s so, just the same. In those mines and prisons are gathered together the very finest and noblest and capablest multitude of human beings that God is able to create. Now if you had that kind of a population to sell, would you offer it to a despotism? No, the despotism has no use for it; you would lose money. A despotism has no use for anything but human cattle. But suppose you want to start a republic?”

“Yes, I see. It’s just the material for it.”

“Well, I should say so! There’s Siberia with just the very finest and choicest material on the globe for a republic, and more coming—more coming all the time, don’t you see! It is being daily, weekly, monthly recruited by the most perfectly devised system that has ever been invented, perhaps. By this system the whole of the hundred millions of Russia are being constantly and patiently sifted, sifted, sifted, by myriads of trained experts, spies appointed by the Emperor personally; and whenever they catch a man, woman or child that has got any brains or education or character, they ship that person straight to Siberia. It is admirable, it is wonderful. It is so searching and so effective that it keeps the general level of Russian intellect and education down to that of the Czar.”

“Come, that sounds like exaggeration.”

“Well, it’s what they say anyway. But I think, myself, it’s a lie. And it doesn’t seem right to slander a whole nation that way, anyhow. Now, then, you see what the material is, there in Siberia, for a republic.” He paused, and his breast began to heave and his eye to burn, under the impulse of strong emotion. Then his words began to stream forth, with constantly increasing energy and fire, and he rose to his feet as if to give himself larger freedom. “The minute I organize that republic, the light of liberty, intelligence, justice, humanity, bursting from it, flooding from it, flaming from it, will concentrate the gaze of the whole astonished world as upon the miracle of a new sun; Russia’s countless multitudes of slaves will rise up and march, march!—eastward, with that great light transfiguring their faces as they come, and far back of them you will see-what will you see?—a vacant throne in an empty land! It can be done, and by God I will do it!”

He stood a moment bereft of earthy consciousness by his exaltation; then consciousness returned, bringing him a slight shock, and he said with grave earnestness:

“I must ask you to pardon me, Major Hawkins. I have never used that expression before, and I beg you will forgive it this time.”

Hawkins was quite willing.

“You see, Washington, it is an error which I am by nature not liable to. Only excitable people, impulsive people, are exposed to it. But the circumstances of the present case—I being a democrat by birth and preference, and an aristocrat by inheritance and relish—”

The earl stopped suddenly, his frame stiffened, and he began to stare speechless through the curtainless window. Then he pointed, and gasped out a single rapturous word:

“Look!”

“What is it, Colonel?”

“IT!”

“No!”

“Sure as you’re born. Keep perfectly still. I’ll apply the influence— I’ll turn on all my force. I’ve brought It thus far—I’ll fetch It right into the house. You’ll see.”

He was making all sorts of passes in the air with his hands.

“There! Look at that. I’ve made It smile! See?”

Quite true. Tracy, out for an afternoon stroll, had come unexpectantly upon his family arms displayed upon this shabby house-front. The hatchments made him smile; which was nothing, they had made the neighborhood cats do that.

“Look, Hawkins, look! I’m drawing It over!”

“You’re drawing it sure, Rossmore. If I ever had any doubts about materialization, they’re gone, now, and gone for good. Oh, this is a joyful day!”

Tracy was sauntering over to read the doorplate. Before he was half way over he was saying to himself, “Why, manifestly these are the American Claimant’s quarters.”

“It’s coming—coming right along. I’ll slide, down and pull It in. You follow after me.”

Sellers, pale and a good deal agitated, opened the door and confronted Tracy. The old man could not at once get his voice: then he pumped out a scattering and hardly coherent salutation, and followed it with—

“Walk in, walk right in, Mr.—er—”

“Tracy—Howard Tracy.”

“Tracy—thanks—walk right in, you’re expected.”

Tracy entered, considerably puzzled, and said:

“Expected? I think there must be some