Real Strange Vibes Volume 10 by Al Calm (rainbow fish read aloud TXT) 📕

  God, tell Chazzie he's a proper fuckin' lightweight! I felt his tiny acorn cock n bulls, he must be rushin' proper goin' up up up! Feel his tiny cock go fat, all hard; his ballbag like a walnut! Makes me laugh, as he in orbit already -- on a flyin' fuck to da moooooon matey!

Me 'n Lolly proper crackin' up! I've not seen Chazz about before, he said he know Goofy Garry from time ago. Not sure how long ago. He can't know Jodie too? Though we all go to the same raves, legal and illegal, so it always possible we met then. Men are defo like shoes: try 'em on till you like the fit!

He's got a weird smell too. Smells of stale French Fries, gum, sweat, hash n dizzle. He proper funny though, all those trips he gobbled up! We get into the club somehow, didn't even show ID but I'm in and he's got a big bag of pills, fuckin' rockin' skulls. OH MY FUCKIN' DAYZ, we are gettin' propa messy, but it's all cool.

Gots me Converse on tonight - one red, one green - some real skankin' goin' on! WOOOOOOOO! I scream right into some fried fuckers ear next to me, he just laughs like a real stoner laugh.

Grody, or is it grow-dee? Kinda feel like sayin' it but no fucker says it no more these days but the fuckin' Eighties suppose to be fuckin' cool again right? Fuck knows shit anymore. I'm chillin', find Chazz again and he's got more pills. This dude always got pills, he's nuts!

Use to sort Bungle Bob out, n Crispin. Yo' know em? He slurs at me, white flecks of saliva stain the corners of his cute mouth.

Nah, but they might know me mate Jodie, I tells him.

Jodie? Oh, yeah, Jodie, Chazz goes to me, though don't sound too sure.

Shit bruv, I didn't know you know Jodie! Yeah, she's moved to Northampton, right, her mum's in, like, a real poor way anyway; but she wants to be near her daughter. She's just outta rehab, too. Ditched Alf for good, though she's trying to be a good mum, by being there and all. Reading the bedtime story, not like her brats fuckin' lissen! Even got her Gran involved now, so she can go college n the odd rave – jeez, her Gran's gotta be nearly seventy herself, it's mad innit!

I didn't know all that, Tess, it's real heavy, shit. Kids, man, like, it's defo real mad, Chazz tells me.

It don't matter, let's fuckin' get hardcore, I say to him tryin' sound a bit older. He knows I wasn't there back in the day but I know neither was he – though some people who were there, they properly missed out on it all, they didn't go to any of it. So much for not going out for decades - what the fuck all that about! Fuckin' gotta have it.

Chazz watches me as I drop two acid tabs at a time, I show him on me tongue, I can see he getting' a boner, I never knew doin' a Hendrix would cause that in a bloke.

You juzz like me, but yer a chick, slurs Chazz. It almost makes me laugh.

Don't chew 'em up like Doc Gonzo, Chazz. Two at a time fucker, we ain't comin' down fer time!

I proper lurve yo' Tessa, Chazz slurs again. He drops his acid then his eyes roll and he has some kinda mini-seizure n blacks out. I look around, Lolly's only fuckin' vanished, like real weird, probably fucked off after Goofball.

Chazz still trip seizin' - I'm laughin' while tryin' to help him up. Chazz is chucklin' as he's fuckin' spazzin' out like mad. Whatta joker!

I fuckin' lurve yo' Tessa!

If those are Chazz' s last words I'll go nuts, I love him, he's a freak - my freak! It not he fine. He juzz needs a decent break, doin' a Hendrix too much on him, he gonna have to roadie it n juzz drop one now n then, like Hendrix would give to Lemmy when he was a roadie fer Jimi. Jimi would tell Lemmy to get three trips n Jimi'd always take two n let Lemmy have his third trip. Chazz proper droolin' he not sayin' anythin' - he be like future spazzin', I dunno what's goin' on, but gotta feelin' it'll get far out fer sure!

Fuck - whatta fuckin' day! Must've blacked out in A n E. Chazz has vanished, can't remember shit. Didn't get felt up waitin' in A n E, result. What day? Y'know do try to work, try to work hard but what's the fucking point? Fuck it. Just want to escape, this country a fuckin' proper shitty con. Everythin' goes up, it go cheap for a bit and your pay goes to shit. Everyone tell you your pay OK. Fuckin' politicians who always loaded, it all fuckin' scummy. But money don't last these days. Now it a fucker, I can't be fucked to work.

I wanna blast tryin' to finish me fucked up sludge. Trying to get it. DJ Hog's gone off and I ain't heard from any fucker. Need to get sorted, chilling with a bottle of rum and a wicked dab rig. Fucking dabbing the way for me. Dig it a lot more these days – baccy's gettin' proper fuckin' pricey, too! Thirty gees don't even last me two fuckin' days!

Listen to Billy Bunter from back in the day, bruv! Tell yous feel fuckin' fine, all wasted, just after midday. Fuckin' sweet as, always a rocker on Mondays. Bunter going to drop Egyptian Lover, Kraftwerk, George Clinton, Captain Rock, Demon Boyz. All the wicked stuff, not just what you'd expect. Bunter digs deep, drops tunes right outta 70s, it what a selector does trust! It’s the way I want to rock it. Drop some bangers, from rare groove to Belgian techno: The birth of techno to the evolution of industrial. Fuckin' wicked. A great way to get motivated if you've got fuck all to do. All day,every day. No, I’m real serious: Bunter actually makes me think n get up in the mornings!

I don’t do fuck all, most of the time I’m online: rubbing one out to The Valleys, Geordie Shore, repeats of The Hills, Friends, old Miley Cyrus pop videos. Goofball Gaz made a Taylor Swift cum-pilation wiv porn stars who pretend to be Taylor gettin' cream-pie'd. MTV turned into wank heaven for me. It's kinda cheap free porn, though shame not more of them make actual porn, they'd smash it up. Charlotte Crosby n Holly Hagan should definitely work out some Erika Lust vibes. Anyway, that's the problem with porn: most people think only blokes love porn!

A lot of the skag porn on the online porn world, all that torture shit – I call it that as a lot of the porn stars aren't that fuckable – many are way too enhanced but some are clearly waiting for the next hit, juzz makes you kinda feel sorry fer 'em. You only got the site's word that person all OK, n still alive after getting fist fucked a hundred different ways by a hundred different people.

The world has become one big cheesy wank paradise full of fake shit, so it’s a change for me. Rubbin' one out harmless really. We're getting' forced to put wiv an endless ocean of cheese, purely total wankage what makes people freaky. I wonder if Katy Perry and Rihanna get freaked knowing that loads of people – boys and girls – power-wank to their images all the fuckin' time! Whole new meanin' to baitin'! It probably best not to think about it - it'd defo drive you nuts, though must turn on some right sociopaths!

Still can't get through to Chazz; he must be fucked or on a benzo drip still. I hear me neighbours raving sometimes. It's always really cheesy commercial house mainly. It like commercial radio raving, when they just play the top ten back from the mid-nineties. Nothing too weird. And they love to argue with each other during it too. No wonder they don't go to the club, they'd all get kicked out for arguing with other! Over the course of everything, they argue more than they rave in all honesty; it’s a shame, proper fucking boring hearing a slagging match with a house soundtrack.

As they do their slag-stomp, I stick on a Psibindi mix from Tribe of Frog a coupla years back to chill 'em out; it does go quiet for a bit – maybe they're wigged out as I've turned It right up, the glasses on the busted drainer are wobblin', these likkle USB speakers gotta kick, not as much as the older ones what are nearly twenty years old, but the volume's a bit tricky wiv 'em so I leave 'em be.

You know, I'd prefer to hear them fuckin' but no such luck. They juzz luv to argue n shout it out over their dull commercial house. They must be rubbing each other off all the time, or they need IVF - more likely they’re shit scared of pregnancy in case the nipper turns into a demon brat. Crazy brattism bizzle, love em to bits but god don't they half do y'fuckin' head in! Born with Verruca Salt Syndrome: Give me the fuckin' world, I WANT IT NOOOOW! A ton o’ brats about, it a first world thing as they all like, that for sure!

I ain’t worked in time, fuck it, just sign on, breeze along. That’s me, man. Fucking Trollo chillin', get on the old network and pretend to be some fucker. He do it so natural too. Mr Bitcoin bruv.

I always go online with different names, loads of fuckers do it. Fuckin' piece of piss. As long as you don’t get too caned and hold it back a bit, you’ll be fine. I dig having laughs hanging out with Goofer, Clive and Musky. I don’t know why all the other fuckers hide away from us and think we’re hot. Goofer’s reckless but he’s harmless.

We round Musky’s cousin’s in Tooting. Diamond place, proper long party vibes every time. It been rollin' over a week or so. Mad area, lot of parties pop off all over – legal and illegal. I noticed Goofer has passed out. I pick up his phone, a dodgy smartphone he blatantly didn’t pay for. He ain’t going to Wonga or Klarna it either to get his credit - how can he afford this Samsung?

Musky’s got a couple of kees on him, sure it's bashed down snort. He’s got at least six kilos of MD stashed. He tells me he’s only got a half ounce here as everyone starts poncin' n he loses track of it all. He’s got this to burn, he never says who he ticks it off. Some hench fucker waitin' fer payday: Musky’s here drinkin' Jack, snorting everythin' in sight, chainin' Bensons.

Me and Goofer rock the weed, puffing on some mental zootage. Fuckin' bun it like mad, time flies. We been here for ages. Goofer tells us