If I'm Good For Anything by K.B.F. (books to read in your 20s female .TXT) 📕

I lay in the backseat of the car for over an hour. I was unable to rationalize or justify why I had come here in the first place. I decided that I needed to pray more, needed to go to church more. Knowing full well that wouldn’t fix this I drifted off to sleep. Three hours later I jumped to find windows full of faces, and the car rocking.
“Let us in!” The guys were yelling.
I opened the door and sat silent, handing the keys over to Nate. Nolan slid in next to me. He was obviously drunk, and wrapped his arm around my neck. I removed it with two fingers like a piece of stinking road kill. When we pulled into my driveway I already had my purse in my lap, and my seatbelt off. Nolan was asleep so I jumped out the door without a word, and headed inside. I didn’t return Nolan’s phone calls for three weeks.


Chapter 9
I am sad to find that the wind has brought in a cluster of black clouds. They stain the beautiful portrait of blue that is the sky. I am angered that my picturesque day is coming to a premature end. The few people that are still left on the beach begin to gather there things. As the rain begins to fall, I find myself debating the possibility of moving somewhere more safe. I suck in as a bolt of lightning stretches from the black mass that was once several distinct clouds. Instead of fearing the storm, I am in awe. I respect it’s magnitude, it‘s power. Suddenly, my anger turns to wonder. I once viewed storms as an unsightly inconvenience. Now, I see that it is merely another form of splendor. I am comfortable here on my wooden thrown. I close my eyes. I know that this is something to remember, and be thankful for. This experience is another gift from God.

As the days pass I begin to miss Nolan more and more. The emptiness is beginning to become unbearable, and I attempt to fill it with bogus issues with my Mother, and television. After the fifteenth afternoon in a row of Oprah, and two hundredth bowl of Chex Mix I decide to dial his number. He answers on the first ring, and I am startled. I realize that I have no idea what to say.
“Hello!” He says for the third time.
“Hey, it’s me.” I say.
“Me who?”
I am aggravated at the possibility of another girl calling his number, and contemplate hanging up.
“You can’t be serious.” I try again.
“Just kidding.” He almost giggles.
I’m confused as to how he can be so nonchalant. Has he not been aching to see me? Dying to hear my voice? What in the hell has happened? I wonder.
“What’s going on?” I try to sound just as casual.
“I’ve been busy.” I don’t know if he is trying to sound distracted, or if the clanking of his weights in the background are truly more important.
“With what?” I wonder if I really want to know.
“My grandmother in Oklahoma has been really sick, so I decided to fly out, and help around the house and stuff.” He is silent for a minute. “I was kind of hoping it would keep you off of my mind.”
It is so quiet on my end that I can hear his breathing.
“I miss you.” I say.
When Nolan returns from Oklahoma it is as if the break never happened. We never mention the strip club again, though I think about it often. Our lives do get a lot less chaotic, and we begin to go out on normal dates. Moving out is put on the backburner, and we begin to focus more on school.
Fall turns to winter and we spend Christmas together. He gets me the heart shaped Tiffany & Co. necklace I’d been wanting, and has my nickname inscribed on it. “Eyes, this is for you. I love you. Merry Christmas” the card reads. I am overjoyed and remain generally happy throughout the holiday season. This is despite the fact that I hate the holidays.
My mom begins to question if my threats of moving away during mine, and Nolan’s breakup were of real significance, or a fabricated distraction. Although I send in an application to NYU, I reassure her I said those things out of anger. Secretly I am hoping to be denied. I don’t know how I could ever leave him.
Winter drags on, and Valentines Day rolls around. I surprise Nolan with tickets to an Edwin McCain concert. In the car he says he can’t wait to give me my gift, but I insist that he does. The concert is unbelievable. I can’t imagine this night being any more perfect. Later, we are sitting on my couch. I begin to nod off, and Nolan says that I need to wake up.
“I still have to give you my gift.” He nudges me.
My eyes are closed, and I feel his hand on mine. I open them widely when I realize he has placed a ring on my finger. I sit straight up.
“What is this?” I am a little petrified.
“A promise ring.” He looks at me confused.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I am too young for marriage.
“Don’t you like it?” His feelings are hurt.
“No. I love it.” I smile. I love him.
Our dates continue, and the end of our first year of college draws near. Our anniversary is approaching so we ask off of work, and make dinner reservations to an extremely nice restaurant in the city.
The night has finally arrived. I spend four hours curling my hair, and doing my makeup. I wait until the last minute to put on my new dress, and heels. The doorbell rings, and my heart begins to beat fast. I feel like this is a first date, and I don’t know why. I haven’t been this excited about something in a long while.
Nolan looks very handsome in his suit. I’ve never seen him this dressed up, and I am in amazement. Mainly because I never could have imagined him looking any more attractive. He pulls his hand from behind his back, and hands me a bouquet of irises, my favorite flower. I giggle like a little girl, and kiss him on the cheek. I hand my flowers to my mom, who is nonsensically taking pictures, and head out the door.
Dinner was wonderful. The restaurant was made to look like a ship. All of the food was cooked in fondue pots on the table, and the waitresses looked like models. A jazz band played below the balcony where we were sitting, candles and lanterns were the only light in the whole place. I couldn’t help but stare at Nolan from across the table.
“You are beautiful tonight Eyes.” He said softly.
“You clean up quit nicely yourself.” I didn’t know how to take a compliment.
I will always remember that moment to be the second happiest in my life.
After dinner we decided to watch a movie on the couch. I was right in the middle of a hilarious retelling of a bad night at work when his phone rang. I wondered who would be calling him at this hour, but decided against asking for the sake of avoiding a fight.
“Hello? Oh hey what’s up?” He chatted into the phone.
I could hear a girls voice on the other line. My heart thudded, and my face grew hot. It was Emily. I was itching to jerk the phone from his hand, and smash it. I wanted to scream, or do anything to end this conversation immediately.
“What in the hell was that?” My high pitched tone surprised even me.
“She just wanted to see how I was doing.” He answered innocently. “Look, don’t blow this out of proportion. I thought we were having a nice time.” He smiled and leaned into me.
“I’m going to say this one time and one time only Nolan Thomas. It’s me or her. She had her chance. For nine years you told her you cared for her. Took her shit, and wiped her ass afterwards. You keep forgetting how she treated you. Continuously blowing you off for other guys while letting you pay for her dinners, and movies. She called you friend because that’s all you were to her. Don’t you get it? She used you. She’s doing it again and you don’t even realize it!” I was exploding.
“What? How is she using me?” Nolan sat calmly, and I wondered why it was he never got worked up over anything anymore.
“She is using you to get to me Nolan. She hates me, and she knows it gets under my skin to hear her voice on the other end of the phone.”
“Your overreacting.” He said matter-of-factly.
“I mean it Nol! Me or her?!” I began to cry.
“This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. You really need to learn how to control your anger.” He grabbed his coat and left.
Just like that, Nolan was gone. I sat in the same spot, maybe even the same position, for hours. Tears flooding my face, and questions drowning my mind. A surge of regret washed over me. If I hadn’t destroyed her letter that day in the bathroom, he would have known. It was then that the real issue hit me. It wasn’t the fact that she loved him that bothered me the most. It’s that he didn’t know. It was because of that fact he never had the opportunity to choose to be with her instead of me. I felt as if I would never know if he and I were really meant to be or just the result of my own manipulations. I was beginning to feel as though I was the bad girl after all.
Six hours after our fight I knew what I needed to do. It was pouring down rain and I was knocking on the basement door to Nolan’s parent’s house where he stayed. I could see a light through the