Home as Found by James Fenimore Cooper (diy ebook reader txt) 📕

married to Eve, and, lo and behold! it turns out to be his son!"

"The lady may have changed her mind, Mrs. Abbott: she gets the same

estate with a younger man."

"She's monstrous disagreeable, and I'm sure it will be a relief to

the whole village when she is married, let it be to the father, or to

the son. Now, do you know, Mr. Dodge, I have been in a desperate

taking about one thing, and that is to find that, bony fie-dy, the

two old Effinghams are not actually brothers! I knew that they

_called_ each other cousin Jack and cousin Ned, and that Eve

affected to call her uncle _cousin_ Jack, but then she has so

many affectations, and the people are so foreign, that I looked upon

all that as mere pretence; I said to myself a neighbourhood _ought_

to know better about a man's family than he _can_ know himself,

and the neighbourhood all declared they were brothers; and yet

it turns out, after all, that they are only cousins!"

"Yes, I do believe that, for once, the family was right in that

matter, and the public mistaken."

"Well, I should like to know who has a better right to be mistaken

than the public, Mr. Dodge. This is a free country, and if the people

can't sometimes be wrong, what is the mighty use of their freedom? We

are all sinful wretches, at the best, and it is vain to look for any

thing but vice from sinners."

"Nay, my dear Mrs. Abbott, you are too hard on yourself, for every

body allows that _you_ are as exemplary as you are devoted to

your religious duties."

"Oh! I was not speaking particularly of myself, sir; I am no egotist

in such things, and wish to leave my own imperfections to the charity

of my friends and neighbours. But, do you think, Mr. Dodge, that a

marriage between Paul Effingham, for so I suppose he must be-called,

and Eve Effingham, will be legal? Can't it be set aside, and if that

should be the case, wouldn't the fortune go to the public?"

"It _ought_ to be so, my dear ma'am, and I trust the day is not

distant when it will be so. The people are beginning to understand

their rights, and another century will not pass, before they will

enforce them by the necessary penal statutes. We have got matters so

now, that a man can no longer indulge in the aristocratic and selfish

desire to make a will, and, take my word for it, we shall not stop

until we bring every thing to the proper standard."

The reader is not to suppose from his language that Mr. Dodge was an

agrarian, or that he looked forward to a division of property, at

some future day; for, possessing in his own person already, more than

what could possibly fall to an individual share, he had not the

smallest desire to lessen its amount by a general division. In point

of fact he did not know his own meaning, except as he felt envy of

all above him, in which, in truth, was to be found the whole secret

of his principles, his impulses, and his doctrines. Any thing that

would pull down those whom education, habits, fortune, or tastes, had

placed in positions more conspicuous than his own, was, in his eyes,

reasonable and just--as any thing that would serve him, in person,

the same ill turn, would have been tyranny and oppression. The

institutions of America, like every thing human, have their bad as

well as their good side; and while we firmly believe in the relative

superiority of the latter, as compared with other systems, we should

fail of accomplishing the end set before us in this work, did we not

exhibit, in strong colours, one of the most prominent consequences

that has attended the entire destruction of factitious personal

distinctions in the country, which has certainly aided in bringing

out in bolder relief than common, the prevalent disposition in man to

covet that which is the possession of another, and to decry merits

that are unattainable.

"Well, I rejoice to hear this," returned Mrs. Abbott, whose

principles were of the same loose school as those of her companion,

"for I think no one should have rights but those who have experienced

religion, if you would keep vital religion in a country. There goes

that old sea-lion, Truck, and his fishing associate, the commodore,

with their lines and poles, as usual, Mr. Dodge; I beg you will call

to them, for I long to hear what the first can have to say about his

beloved Effinghams, now?"

Mr. Dodge complied, and the navigator of the ocean and the navigator

of the lake, were soon seated in Mrs. Abbott's little parlour, which

might be styled the focus of gossip, near those who were so lately

its sole occupants.

"This is wonderful news, gentlemen," commenced Mrs. Abbott, as soon

as the bustle of the entrance had subsided. "Mr. Powis is Mr.

Effingham, and it seems that Miss Effingham is to become Mrs.

Effingham. Miracles will never cease, and I look upon this as one of

the most surprising of my time."

"Just so, ma'am," said the commodore, winking his eye, and giving the

usual flourish with a hand; "your time has not been that of a day

neither, and Mr. Powis has reason to rejoice that he is the hero of

such a history. For my part, I could not have been more astonished,

were I to bring up the sogdollager with a trout-hook, having a cheese

paring for the bait."

"I understand," continued the lady, "that there are doubts after all,

whether this miracle be really a true miracle. It is hinted that Mr.

Powis is neither Mr. Effingham nor Mr. Powis, but that he is actually

a Mr. Blunt. Do you happen to know any thing of the matter, Captain

Truck?"

"I have been introduced to him, ma'am, by all three names, and I

consider him as an acquaintance in each character. I can assure you,

moreover, that he is A, No. 1, on whichever tack you take him; a man

who carries a weather helm in the midst of his enemies."

"Well, I do not consider it a very great recommendation for one to

have enemies, at all. Now, I dare say, Mr. Dodge, _you_ have not

an enemy on earth!"

"I should be sorry to think that I had, Mrs. Abbott. I am every man's

friend, particularly the poor man's friend, and I should suppose that

every man _ought_ to be my friend. I hold the whole human family

to be brethren, and that they ought to live together as such."

"Very true, sir; quite true--we _are_ all sinners, and ought to

look favourably on each other's failings. It is no business of mine--

I say it is no business of ours, Mr. Dodge, who Miss Eve Effingham

marries; but were she _my_ daughter, I do think I should not

like her to have three family names, and to keep her own in the

bargain!"

"The Effinghams hold their heads very much up, though it is not easy

to see _why_; but so they do, and the more names the better,

perhaps, for such people," returned the editor. "For my part, I treat

them with condescension, just as I do every body else; for it is a

rule with me, Captain Truck, to make use of the same deportment to a

king on his throne, as I would to a beggar in the street."

"Merely to show that you do not feel yourself to be above your

betters. We have many such philosophers in this country."

"Just so," said the commodore.

"I wish I knew," resumed Mrs. Abbott; for there existed in her head,

as well as in that of Mr. Dodge, such a total confusion on the

subject of deportment, that neither saw nor felt the cool sarcasm of

the old sailor; "I wish I knew, now, whether Eve Effingham has really

been regenerated! What is your opinion, commodore?"

"Re-what, ma'am," said the commodore, who was not conscious of ever

having heard the word before; for, in his Sabbaths on the water,

where he often worshipped God devoutly in his heart, the language of

the professedly pious was never heard; "I can only say she is as

pretty a skiff as floats, but I can tell you nothing about

resuscitation--indeed, I never heard of her having been drowned."

"Ah, Mrs. Abbott, the very best friends of the Effinghams will not

maintain that they are pious. I do not wish to be invidious, or to

say unneighbourly things; but were I upon oath, I could testify to a

great many things, which would unqualifiedly show, that none of them

have ever experienced."

"Now, Mr. Dodge, you know how much I dislike scandal," the widow-

bewitched cried affectedly, "and I cannot tolerate such a sweeping

charge. I insist on the proofs of what you say, in which, no doubt,

these gentlemen will join me."

By proofs, Mrs. Abbott meant allegations.

"Well, ma'am, since you insist on my _proving_ what I have said,

you shall not be disappointed. In the first place, then, they _read_

their family prayers out of a book."

"Ay, ay," put in the captain; "but that merely shows they have some

education; it is done every where."

"Your pardon, sir; no people but the Catholics and the church people

commit this impiety. The idea of _reading_ to the Deity, Mrs.

Abbott, is particularly shocking to a pious soul."

"As if the Lord stood in need of letters! _That_ is very bad, I

allow; for at _family_ prayers, a form becomes mockery."

"Yes, ma'am; but what do you think of cards?"

"Cards!" exclaimed Mrs. Abbott, holding up her pious hands, in holy

horror.

"Even so; foul paste-board, marked with kings and queens," said the

captain. Why this is worse than a common sin, being unqualifiedly

anti-republican."

"I confess I did not expect-this! I had heard that Eve Effingham was

guilty of indiscretions, but I did not think she was so lost to

virtue, as to touch a card. Oh! Eve Effingham; Eve Effingham, for

what is your poor diseased soul destined!"

"She dances, too, I suppose you know that," continued Mr. Dodge, who

finding his popularity a little on the wane, had joined the meeting

himself, a few weeks before, and who did not fail to manifest the

zeal of a new convert.

"Dances!" repeated Mrs. Abbott, in holy horror.

"Real fi diddle de di!" echoed Captain Truck.

"Just so," put in the commodore; "I have seen it with my own eyes.

But, Mrs. Abbott, I feel bound to tell you that your own daughter--"

"Biansy-Alzumy-Anne!" exclaimed the mother in alarm.

"Just so; my-aunty-all-suit-me-anne, if that is her name. Do you

know, ma'am, that I have seen your own blessed daughter, my-aunty-

Anne, do a worse thing, even, than dancing!"

"Commodore, you are awful! What _could_ a child of mine do that

is worse than dancing?"

"Why, ma'am, if you _will_ hear all, it is my duty to tell you.

I saw aunty-Anne (the commodore was really ignorant of the girl's

name) jump a skipping-rope, yesterday morning, between the hours of

seven and eight. As I hope ever to see the sogdollager, again, ma'am,

I did!"

"And do you this as bad as dancing?"

"Much worse, ma'am, to my notion. It is jumping about without music,

and without any grace, either, particularly as it was performed by

my-aunty-Anne."

"You are given to light jokes. Jumping the skipping-rope is not

forbidden in the bible."

"Just so; nor is dancing, if I know any thing about it; nor, for that

matter, cards."

"But waste of time is; a sinful waste of time; and evil-passions, and

all unrighteousness."

"Just so. My-aunty-Anne was going to the pump for water--I dare say

you sent her--and she was misspending her time; and as for evil

passions, she did not enjoy the hop, until she and your neighbour's

daughter had pulled each other's hair for the rope, as if they had

been two she-dragons. Take my word for it, ma'am, it wanted for

nothing to make it sin of the purest water, but a cracked fiddle."

While the commodore was holding Mrs. Abbott at bay, in this manner,

Captain Truck, who had given him a wink to that effect, was employed

in playing off a practical joke at the expense of the widow. It was

one of the standing amusements of these worthies, who had gotten to

be sworn friends and constant associates, after they had caught as

many fish as they wished, to retire to the favourite spring, light,

the one his cigar, the other his pipe, mix their grog, and then

relieve their ennui, when tired of discussing men and things, by

playing cards on a particular stump. Now, it happens that the captain

had the identical pack which had been used on all such occasions in

his pocket, as was evident in the