The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (english novels for beginners .txt) 📕

Army Officers Out There,  Get Leave Of Absence,  Do You

Stop Their Pay?'

"'No.'

"'Do You Sarve Native Colonists The Same Way?'

"'No,  We Stop Half Their Salaries.'

"'Exactly,' Sais You,  'Make Them Feel The Difference.

Always Make A Nigger Feel He Is A Nigger,  Or He'll Get

Sassy,  You May Depend. As For Patronage,' Sais You,  'You

Know As Well As I Do,  That All That's Not Worth Havin',

Is Jist Left To Poor Colonist. He Is An Officer Of Militia,

Gets No Pay And Finds His Own Fit Out. Like Don Quixote's

Tailor,  He Works For Nothin' And Finds Thread. Any Other

Little Matters Of The Same Kind,  That Nobody Wants,  And

Nobody Else Will Take; If Blue-Nose Makes Interest For,

And Has Good Luck,  He Can Get As A Great Favour,  To

Conciliate His Countrymen. No,  Minister,' Sais You,  'You

Are A Clever Man,  Every Body Sais You Are A Brick; And

If You Ain't,  You Talk More Like One,  Than Any Body I

Have Seen This While Past. I Don't Want No Office Myself,

If I Did P'raps,  I Wouldn't Talk About Patronage This

Way; But I Am A Colonist,  I Want To See The Colonists

Remain So. They _Are_ Attached To England,  That Is A

Fact,  Keep Them So,  By Making Them Englishmen. Throw

The Door Wide Open; Patronise Them; Enlist Them In The

Imperial Sarvice,  Allow Them A Chance To Contend For

Honours And Let Them Win Them,  If They Can. If They Don't,

It's Their Own Fault,  And Cuss 'Em They Ought To Be

Kicked,  For If They Ain't Too Lazy,  There Is No Mistake

In 'Em,  That's A Fact. The Country Will Be Proud Of Them,

If They Go Ahead. Their Language Will Change Then. It

Will Be _Our_ Army,  The Delighted Critters Will Say,  Not

The English Army; _Our_ Navy,  _Our_ Church,  _Our_

Parliament,  _Our_ Aristocracy,  &C.,  And The Word English

Will Be Left Out Holus-Bolus,  And That Proud,  That

Endearin' Word "Our" Will Be Insarted. Do This,  And You

Will Shew Yourself The First Statesman Of Modern Times.

You'll Rise Right Up To The Top Of The Pot,  You'll Go

Clean Over Peel's Head,  As Your Folks Go Over Ourn,  Not

By Jumpin' Over Him,  But By Takin' Him By The Neck And

Squeezin' Him Down. You 'Mancipated The Blacks,  Now

Liberate The Colonists And Make Englishmen Of Them,  And

See Whether The Goneys Won't Grin From Ear To Ear,  And

Shew Their Teeth,  As Well As The Niggers Did. Don't Let

Yankee Clockmakers,  (You May Say That If You Like,  If It

Will Help Your Argument,) Don't Let Travellin' Yankee

Clockmakers Tell Such Stories,  Against _Your_ Justice

And _Our_ Pride As That Of The Prince De Joinville And

His Horse.'"

"Here," Said Mr. Sick,  "Is An Invitation For You And Me,

And Minister To Go And Visit Sir Littleeared Bighead,

Down To Yorkshire. You Can Go If You Like,  And For Once,

P'raps It's Worth Goin' To See How These Chaps First Kill

Time,  And Then How Time Kills Them In Turn. Eatin',

Drinkin',  Sleepin',  Growlin',  Fowlin',  And Huntin' Kills

Time; And Gout,  Aperplexy,  Dispepsy,  And Blue Devils

Kills Them. They Are Like Two Fightin' Dogs,  One Dies Of

The Thrashin' He Gets,  And T'other Dies Of The Wounds He

Got A Killin' Of Him. Tit For Tat; What's Sarce For The

Goose,  Is Sarce For The Gander.

"If You Want To Go,  Minister Will Go With You; But Hang

Me If I Do. The Only Thing Is,  It'll Puzzle You To Get

Him Away,  If He Gets Down There. You Never See Such A

Crotchical Old Critter In Your Life As He Is. He Flies

Right Off The Handle For Nothin'. He Goes Strayin' Away

Off In The Fields And Gullies,  A Browsin' About With A

Hammer,  Crackin' Up Bits Of Stones Like Walnuts,  Or

Pickin' Up Old Weeds,  Faded Flowers,  And What Not; And

Stands Starin' At 'Em For Ever So Long,  Through His

Eye-Glass,  And Keeps A Savin' To Himself,  'Wonderful

Provision Of Natur!' Airth And Seas! What Does He Mean?

How Long Would A Man Live On Such Provision,  I Should

Like To Know,  As Them Bitter Yarbs.

"Well,  Then,  He'll Jist As Soon Set Down And Jaw Away By

The Hour Together With A Dirty-Faced,  Stupid Little Poodle

Lookin' Child,  As If It Was A Nice Spry Little Dog He

Was A Trainin' Of For Treein' Partridges; Or Talk Poetry

With The Galls,  Or Corn-Law With The Patriots,  Or Any

Thing. Nothin' Comes Amiss To Him.

"But What Provokes Me,  Is To Hear Him Go Blartin' All

Over The Country About Home Scenes,  And Beautiful Landscape,

And Rich Vardure. My Sakes,  The Vardure Here Is So Deep,

It Looks Like Mournin'; It's Actilly Dismal. Then There's

No Water To Give Light To The Pictur,  And No Sun To Cheer

It; And The Hedges Are All Square; And The Lime Trees

Are As Stiff As An Old Gall That Was Once Pretty,  And

Has Grow'd Proud On The Memory Of It.

"I Don't Like Their Landscape A Bit,  There Ain't No Natur

In It. Oh! If You Go,  Take Him Along With You,  For He

Will Put You In Consait Of All You See,  Except Reform,

Dissent,  And Things O' That Kind; For He Is An Out And

Out Old Tory,  And Thinks Nothin' Can Be Changed Here For

The Better,  Except Them That Don't Agree With Him.

"He Was A Warnin' You T'other Day Not To Take All I Said

For Gospel About Society Here; But You'll See Who's Right

And Who's Wrong Afore You've Done,  I Know. I Described

To You,  When You Returned From Germany,  _Dinin' Out_ To

London. Now I'll Give You My Opinion Of "Life In The

Country." And Fust Of All,  As I Was A Sayin',  There Is

No Such Thing As Natur' Here. Every Thing Is Artificial;

Every Thing Of Its Kind Alike; And Every Thing Oninterestin'

And Tiresome.

"Well,  If London Is Dull,  In The Way Of West Eend People,

The Country,  I Guess,  Is A Little Mucher. Life In The

Country Is Different,  Of Course,  From Life In Town; But

Still Life Itself Is Alike There,  Exceptin' Again _Class

Difference_. That Is,  Nobility Is All Alike,  As Far As

Their Order Goes; And Country Gents Is Alike,  As Far As

Their Class Goes; And The Last Especially,  When They

Hante Travelled None,  Everlastin' Flat,  In Their Own Way.

Take A Lord,  Now,  And Visit Him To His Country Seat,  And

I'll Tell You What You Will Find--A Sort Of Washington

State House Place. It Is Either A Rail Old Castle Of The

Genuine Kind,  Or A Gingerbread Crinkum Crankum Imitation

Of A Thing That Only Existed In Fancy,  But Never Was Seen

Afore--A Thing That's Made Modern For Use,  And In Ancient

Stile For Shew; Or Else It's A Great Cold,  Formal,  Slice

Of A London Terrace,  Stack On A Hill In A Wood.

"Well,  There Is Lawn,  Park,  Artificial Pond Called A

Lake,  Deer That's Fashionablized And Civilized,  And As

Little Natur In 'Em As The Humans Have. Kennel And Hounds

For Parsicutin' Foxes--Presarves (Not What We Call

Presarves,  Quinces And Apple Sarce,  And Green Gages Done

In Sugar,  But Preserves For Breedin' Tame Partridges And

Peasants To Shoot At),  H'aviaries,  Hive-Eries,  H'yew-Veris,

Hot Houses,  And So On; For They Put An H Before Every

Word Do These Critters,  And Then Tell Us Yankees We Don't

Speak English.

"Well,  When You Have Seen An Old And A New House Of These

Folks,  You Have Seen All. Featurs Differ A Little,  But

Face Of All Is So Alike,  That Though P'raps You Wouldn't

Mistake One For Another,  Yet You'd Say They Was All Of

One Family. The King Is Their Father.

"Now It May Seem Kinder Odd To You,  And I Do Suppose It

Will,  But What Little Natur There Is To England Is Among

These Upper Crust Nobility. _Extremes Meet_. The Most

Elegant Critter In America Is An Indgian Chief. The Most

Elegant One In England Is A Noble. There Is Natur In

Both. You Will Vow That's A Crotchet Of Mine,  But It's

A Fact; And I Will Tell You How It Is,  Some Other Time.

For I Opine The Most Charmin',  Most Nateral,  Least

Artificial,  Kindest,  And Condescendenest People Here Are

Rael Nobles. Younger Children Are The Devil,  Half Rank

Makes 'Em Proud,  And Entire Poverty Makes 'Em Sour. _Strap

Pride On An Empty Puss,  And It Puts A Most Beautiful Edge

On,  It Cuts Like A Razor_. They Have To Assart Their

Dignity,  Tother One's Dignity Don't Want No Assartin'.

It Speaks For Itself.

"I Won't Enter Into Particulars Now. I Want To Shew You

Country Life; Because If You Don't Want To Hang Yourself,

Don't Tarry There,  That's All; Go And Look At 'Em,  But

Don't Stay There. If You Can't Help It No How,  You Can

Fix It,  Do It In Three Days; One To Come,  One To See,

And One To Go. If You Do That,  And Make The Fust Late,

And The Last Airly,  You'll Get Through It; For It Won't

Only Make A Day And A Half,  When Sumtotalized. We'll

Fancy It,  That's Better Than The Rael Thing,  Any Time.

"So Lets Go To A Country Gentleman's House,  Or "Landed,"

As They Call 'Em,  Cause They Are So Infarnally Heavy.

Well,  His House Is Either An Old Onconvenient Up And

Down,  Crooked-Laned Place,  Bad Lighted,  Bad Warmed,  And

Shockin' Cut Up In Small Rooms; Or A Spic And Span Formal,

New One,  Havin' All Or Most,  According To His Puss,  Of

Those Things,  About Lord's Houses,  Only On A Smaller

Scale.

"Well,  I'll Arrive In Time For Dinner,  I'll Titivate

Myself Up,  And Down To Drawin'-Room,  And Whose The Company

That's To Dine There? Why,  Cuss 'Em,  Half A Dozen Of

These Gents Own The Country For Miles Round,  So They Have

To Keep Some Company At The House,  And The Rest Is

Neighbours.

"Now For Goodness Gracious Sake,  Jist Let's See Who They

Be! Why One Or Two Poor Parsons,  That Have Nothin' New

In 'Em,  And Nothin' New On 'Em,  Goodish Sort Of People

Too,  Only They Larf A Leetle,  Jist A Leetle Louder At

Host's Jokes,  Than At Mine,  At Least,  I Suspicion It,

'Cause I Never Could See Nothin' To Larf At In His Jokes.

One Or Two Country Nobs Of Brother Landed Gents,  That

Look As Big As If The Whole Of The Three Per Cent Consols

Was In Their Breeches Pockets;