The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (english novels for beginners .txt) 📕

Are A Cleaning Of: He Looks Like A First Chop Article

That.'

"'Y Mae',' Sais He.

"'Hullo,' Sais I,  'What In Natur' Is This? Is It Him That

Can't Speak English,  Or Me That Can't Onderstand? For

One On Us Is A Fool,  That's Sartain. I'll Try Him Agin.

"So I Sais To Him,  'He Looks,' Sais I,  'As If He'd Trot

A Considerable Good Stick,  That Horse,' Sais I,  'I Guess

He Is A Goer.'

"Y' Mae,  Ye Un Trotter Da,' Sais He.

"'Creation!' Sais I,  'If This Don't Beat Gineral Trainin'.

I Have Heerd In My Time,  Broken French,  Broken Scotch,

Broken Irish,  Broken Yankee,  Broken Nigger,  And Broken

Indgin; But I Have Hearn Two Pure Gene_Wine_ Languages

To-Day,  And No Mistake,  Rael Rook,  And Rael Britton,  And

I Don't Exactly Know Which I Like Wus. It's No Use To

Stand Talkin' To This Critter. Good-Bye,' Sais I.

"Now What Do You Think He Said? Why,  You Would Suppose

He'd Say Good-Bye Too,  Wouldn't You? Well,  He Didn't,

Nor Nothin' Like It,  But He Jist Ups,  And Sais,

'Forwelloaugh,' He Did,  Upon My Soul. I Never Felt So

Stumpt Afore In All My Life. Sais I,  'Friend,  Here Is

Half A Dollar For You; It Arn't Often I'm Brought To A

Dead Stare,  And When I Am,  I Am Willin' To Pay For It.'

"There's Two Languages,  Squire,  That's Univarsal: The

Language Of Love,  And The Language Of Money; The Galls

Onderstand The One,  And The Men Onderstand The Other,

All The Wide World Over,  From Canton To Niagara. I No

Sooner Showed Him The Half Dollar,  Than It Walked Into

His Pocket,  A Plaguy Sight Quicker Than It Will Walk Out,

I Guess.

"Sais I,  'Friend,  You've Taken The Consait Out Of Me

Properly. Captain Hall Said There Warn't A Man,  Woman,

Or Child,  In The Whole Of The Thirteen United Univarsal

Worlds Of Our Great Republic,  That Could Speak Pure

English,  And I Was A Goin' To Kick Him For It; But He Is

Right,  Arter All. There Ain't One Livin' Soul On Us Can;

I Don't Believe They Ever As Much As Heerd It,  For I

Never Did,  Till This Blessed Day,  And There Are Few Things

I Haven't Either See'd,  Or Heern Tell Of. Yes,  We Can't

Speak English,  Do You Take?' 'Dim Comrag,' Sais He,  Which

In Yankee,  Means,  "That's No English," And He Stood,

Looked Puzzled,  And Scratched His Head,  Rael Hansum,  'Dim

Comrag,' Sais He.

"Well,  It Made Me Larf Spiteful. I Felt Kinder Wicked,

And As _I_ Had A Hat On,  And I Couldn't Scratch My Head,

I Stood Jist Like Him,  Clown Fashion,  With My Eyes

Wanderin' And My Mouth Wide Open,  And Put My Hand Behind

Me,  And Scratched There; And I Stared,  And Looked Puzzled

Too,  And Made The Same Identical Vacant Face He Did,  And

Repeated Arter Him Slowly,  With Another Scratch,  Mocking

Him Like,  'Dim Comrag.'

"Such A Pair O' Fools You Never Saw,  Squire,  Since The

Last Time You Shaved Afore A Lookin' Glass; And The Stable

Boys Larfed,  And He Larfed,  And I Larfed,  And It Was The

Only Larf I Had All That Juicy Day.

"Well,  I Turns Agin To The Door; But It's The Old Story

Over Again--Rain,  Rain,  Rain; Spatter,  Spatter,  Spatter,--'I

Can't Stop Here With These True Brittons,' Sais I,  'Guess

I'll Go And See The Old Squire: He Is In His Study.'

"So I Goes There: 'Squire,' Sais I,  'Let Me Offer You A

Rael Gene_Wine_ Havana Cigar; I Can Recommend It To You.'

He Thanks Me,  He Don't Smoke,  But Plague Take Him,  He

Don't Say,  'If You Are Fond Of Smokin',  Pray Smoke

Yourself.' And He Is Writing I Won't Interrupt Him.

"'Waiter,  Order Me A Post-Chaise,  To Be Here In The

Mornin',  When The Rooks Wake.'

"'Yes,  Sir.'

"Come,  I'll Try The Women Folk In The Drawin'-Room,  Agin'.

Ladies Don't Mind The Rain Here; They Are Used To It.

It's Like The Musk Plant,  Arter You Put It To Your Nose

Once,  You Can't Smell It A Second Time. Oh What Beautiful

Galls They Be! What A Shame It Is To Bar A Feller Out

Such A Day As This. One On 'Em Blushes Like A Red Cabbage,

When She Speaks To Me,  That's The One,  I Reckon,  I

Disturbed This Mornin'. Cuss The Rooks! I'll Pyson Them,

And That Won't Make No Noise.

"She Shows Me The Consarvitery. 'Take Care,  Sir,  Your

Coat Has Caught This Geranium,' And She Onhitches It.

'Stop,  Sir,  You'll Break This Jilly Flower,' And She

Lifts Off The Coat Tail Agin; In Fact,  It's So Crowded,

You Can't Squeeze Along,  Scarcely,  Without A Doin' Of

Mischief Somewhere Or Another.

"Next Time,  She Goes First,  And Then It's My Turn,  'Stop,

Miss,' Sais I,  'Your Frock Has This Rose Tree Over,' And

I Loosens It; Once More,  'Miss,  This Rose Has Got Tangled,'

And I Ontangles It From Her Furbeloes.

"I Wonder What Makes My Hand Shake So,  And My Heart It

Bumps So,  It Has Bust A Button Off. If I Stay In This

Consarvitery,  I Shan't Consarve Myself Long,  That's A

Fact,  For This Gall Has Put Her Whole Team On,  And Is A

Runnin' Me Off The Road. 'Hullo! What's That? Bell For

Dressin' For Dinner.' Thank Heavens! I Shall Escape From

Myself,  And From This Beautiful Critter,  Too,  For I'm

Gettin' Spoony,  And Shall Talk Silly Presently.

"I Don't Like To Be Left Alone With A Gall,  It's Plaguy

Apt To Set Me A Soft Sawderin' And A Courtin'. There's

A Sort Of Nateral Attraction Like In This World. Two

Ships In A Calm,  Are Sure To Get Up Alongside Of Each

Other,  If There Is No Wind,  And They Have Nothin' To Do,

But Look At Each Other; Natur' Does It. "Well,  Even,  The

Tongs And The Shovel,  Won't Stand Alone Long; They're

Sure To Get On The Same Side Of The Fire,  And Be Sociable;

One On 'Em Has A Loadstone And Draws 'Tother,  That's

Sartain. If That's The Case With Hard-Hearted Things,

Like Oak And Iron,  What Is It With Tender Hearted Things

Like Humans? Shut Me Up In A 'Sarvatory With A Hansum

Gall Of A Rainy Day,  And See If I Don't Think She Is The

Sweetest Flower In It. Yes,  I Am Glad It Is The Dinner-Bell,

For I Ain't Ready To Marry Yet,  And When I Am,  I Guess

I Must Get A Gall Where I Got My Hoss,  In Old Connecticut,

And That State Takes The Shine Off Of All Creation For

Geese,  Galls And Onions,  That's A Fact.

"Well Dinner Won't Wait,  So I Ups Agin Once More Near

The Rooks,  To Brush Up A Bit; But There It Is Agin The

Same Old Tune,  The Whole Blessed Day,  Rain,  Rain,  Rain.

It's Rained All Day And Don't Talk Of Stoppin' Nother.

How I Hate The Sound,  And How Streaked I Feel. I Don't

Mind Its Huskin' My Voice,  For There Is No One To Talk

To,  But Cuss It,  It Has Softened My Bones.

"Dinner Is Ready; The Rain Has Damped Every Body's Spirits,

And Squenched 'Em Out; Even Champaign Won't Raise 'Em

Agin; Feedin' Is Heavy,  Talk Is Heavy,  Time Is Heavy,

Tea Is Heavy,  And There Ain't Musick; The Only Thing

That's Light Is A Bed Room Candle--Heavens And Airth How

Glad I Am This '_Juicy Day_' Is Over!"

In The Preceding Sketch I Have Given Mr. Slick's Account

Of The English Climate,  And His Opinion Of The Dulness

Of A Country House,  As Nearly As Possible In His Own

Words. It Struck Me At The Time That They Were Exaggerated

Views; But If The Weather Were Unpropitious,  And The

Company Not Well Selected,  I Can Easily Conceive,  That

The Impression On His Mind Would Be As Strong And As

Unfavourable,  As He Has Described It To Have Been.

The Climate Of England Is Healthy,  And,  As It Admits Of

Much Out-Door Exercise,  And Is Not Subject To Any Very

Sudden Variation,  Or Violent Extremes Of Heat And Cold,

It May Be Said To Be Good,  Though Not Agreeable; But Its

Great Humidity Is Very Sensibly Felt By Americans And

Other Foreigners Accustomed To A Dry Atmosphere And Clear

Sky. That Mr. Slick Should Find A Rainy Day In The

Country Dull,  Is Not To Be Wondered At; It Is Probable

It Would Be So Any Where,  To A Man Who Had So Few Resources,

Within Himself,  As The Attache. Much Of Course Depends

On The Inmates; And The Company At The Shropshire House,

To Which He Alludes,  Do Not Appear To Have Been The Best

Calculated To Make The State Of The Weather A Matter Of

Indifference To Him.

I Cannot Say,  But That I Have At Times Suffered A Depression

Of Spirits From The Frequent,  And Sometimes Long Continued

Rains Of This Country; But I Do Not Know That,  As An

Ardent Admirer Of Scenery,  I Would Desire Less Humidity,

If It Diminished,  As I Fear It Would,  The Extraordinary

Verdure And Great Beauty Of The English Landscape. With

Respect To My Own Visits At Country Houses,  I Have

Generally Been Fortunate In The Weather,  And Always In

The Company; But I Can Easily Conceive,  That A Man Situated

As Mr. Slick Appears To Have Been With Respect To Both,

Would Find The Combination Intolerably Dull. But To Return

To My Narrative.

Early On The Following Day We Accompanied Our Luggage To

The Wharf,  Where A Small Steamer Lay To Convey Us To The

Usual Anchorage Ground Of The Packets,  In The Bay. We

Were Attended By A Large Concourse Of People.