Japhet, In Search Of A Father Part 1 by Frederick Marryat (read people like a book .TXT) 📕

"You Have Conquered Death,  Sir; And He'S A Very Rum Customer To Have To

Deal With."

"Dionysius,  You Have Answered Well,  And Shall Have Some Bullock'S Liver

For Your Supper--Don'T Forget To Remind Me,  In case I Forget It."

"No,  That I Won'T,  Sir," Replied Timothy,  Rubbing His Stomach,  As If

Delighted With The Idea.

"Ladies And Gentlemen," Said Melchior To The Audience,  Who Were On The

Broad Grin,  "I See Your Mouths Are All Open,  And Are Waiting For The

Pills; But Be Not Too Impatient--I Cannot Part With My Medicines Unless

You Have Diseases Which Require Their Aid; And I Should,  Indeed,  Be A

Sorry Doctor,  If I Prescribed Without Knowing Your Complaints. _Est

Neutrale Genus Signans Rem Non Animatam_,  Says Herodotus,  Which In

English Means,  What Is One Man'S Meat Is Another Man'S Poison; And

Further,  He Adds,  _Ut Jecur,  Ut Onus,  Put Ut Occiput_,  Which Is As Much

As To Say,  That What Agrees With One Temperament,  Will Be Injurious To

Another. Caution,  Therefore,  Becomes Very Necessary In The Use Of

Medicine; And My Reputation Depends Upon My Not Permitting Any One To

Take What Is Not Good For Him. And Now,  My Very Dear Friends,  I Will

First Beg You To Observe The Peculiar Qualities Of The Contents Of This

Little Phial. You Observe,  That There Is Not More Than Sixty Drops In

It,  Yet Will These Sixty Drops Add Ten Years To A Man'S Life--For It

Will Cure Him Of Almost As Many Diseases. In The First Place,  Are Any Of

You Troubled With The _Ascites_,  Or Dropsy,  Which,  As The Celebrated

Galen Hath Declared,  May Be Divided Into Three Parts,  The _Ascites_,  The

_Anasarca_,  And The _Tympanites_. The Diagnostics Of This Disease Are,

Swelling Of The Abdomen Or Stomach,  Difficulty Of Breathing,  Want Of

Appetite,  And A Teasing Cough. I Say,  Have Any Of You This Disease?

None. Then I Thank Heaven That You Are Not So Afflicted.

"The Next Disease It Is Good For,  Is The _Peripneumonia_,  Or

Inflammation On The Lungs--The Diagnostics Or Symptoms Of Which Are,  A

Small Pulse,  Swelling Of The Eyes,  And Redness Of The Face. Say,  Have

Any Of You These Symptoms--If So,  You Have The Disease. No One. I Thank

Heaven That You Are None Of You So Afflicted.

"It Is Also A Sovereign Remedy For The _Diarrhoea_,  The Diagnostics Of

Which Are,  Faintness,  Frequent Gripings,  Rumbling In The Bowels,  Cold

Sweats,  And Spasm."

Here One Man Came Forward And Complained Of Frequent Gripings--Another

Of Rumbling In The Bowels,  And Two Or Three More Of Cold Sweats.

"It Is Well. O I Thank Heaven That I Am Here To Administer To You

Myself! For What Says Hippocrates? _Relativum Cum Antecedente

Concordat_,  Which Means,  That Remedies Quickly Applied,  Kill The Disease

In Its Birth. Here,  My Friends,  Take It--Take It--Pay Me Only One

Shilling And Be Thankful. When You Go To Rest,  Fail Not To Offer Up Your

Prayers. It Is Also A Sovereign Remedy For The Dreadful _Chiragra_ Or

Gout. I Cured The Whole Corporation Of City Aldermen Last Week,  By Their

Taking Three Bottles Each,  And They Presented Me With The Freedom Of The

City Of London,  In a Gold Box,  Which I Am Sorry That I Have Forgotten To

Bring With Me. Now The _Chiragra_ May Be Divided Into Several Varieties.

_Gonagra_,  When It Attacks The Knees--_Chiragra_,  If In The

Hands--_Onagra_,  If In The Elbow--_Omagra_,  If In The Shoulder,  And

_Lumbago_,  If In The Back. All These Are Varieties Of Gout,  And For All

These The Contents Of This Little Bottle Is A Sovereign Remedy; And,

Observe,  It Will Keep For Ever. Twenty Years Hence,  When Afflicted In

Your Old Age--And The Time Will Come,  My Good People--You May Take Down

This Little Phial From The Shelf,  And Bless The Hour In Which You Spent

Your Shilling; For As Eusebius Declares,  '_Verbum Personale Concordat

Cum Nominativo_,  Which Is As Much As To Say,  The Active Will Grow Old,

And Suffer From Pains In Their Limbs. Who,  Then,  Has Pains In His Limbs,

Or Lumbago? Who,  Indeed,  Can Say That He Will Not Have Them?"

After This Appeal,  The Number Of Those Who Had Pains In Their Limbs,  Or

Who Wished To Provide Against Such A Disease,  Proved So Great,  That All

Our Phials Were Disposed Of,  And The Doctor Was Obliged To Promise That

In A Few Days He Would Have Some More Of This Invaluable Medicine Ready.

"Ladies And Gentlemen,  I Shall Now Offer To Your Notice A Valuable

Plaister,  The Effects Of Which Are Miraculous. Dionysius,  Come Hither,

You Have Felt The Benefit Of This Plaister; Tell Your Case To Those Who

Are Present,  And Mind You Tell The Truth."

Hereupon Timothy Stepped Forward. "Ladies And Gentlemen,  _Upon My

Honour_,  About Three Weeks Back I Fell Off The Scaffold,  Broke My Back

Bone Into Three Pieces,  And Was Carried Off To A Surgeon,  Who Looked At

Me,  And Told The People To Take Measure For My Coffin. The Great Doctor

Was Not There At The Time,  Having Been Sent For To Consult With The

King'S Physicians Upon The Queen'S Case,  Of _Cophagus_,  Or Intermitting

Mortification Of The Great Toe; But Fortunately,  Just As They Were

Putting Me Into A Shell,  My Master Came Back,  And Immediately Applying

His Sovereign Plaister To My Back,  In Five Days I Was Able To Sit Up,

And In Ten Days I Returned To My Duty."

"Are You Quite Well Now,  Dionysius?"

"Quite Well,  Sir,  And My Back Is Like Whale-Bone."

"Try It."

Hereupon Dionysius Threw Two Somersets Forward,  Two Backward,  Walked

Across The Stage On His Hands,  And Tumbled In every Direction.

"You See,  Gentlemen,  I'M Quite Well Now,  And What I Have Said,  I Assure

You,  _On My Honour_,  To Be A Fact."

"I Hope You'Ll Allow That To Be A Very Pretty Cure," Said The Doctor,

Appealing To The Audience; "And I Hardly Need Say,  That For Sprains,

Bruises,  Contusions,  Wrenches,  And Dislocations,  This Plaister Is

Infallible; And I Will Surprise You More By Telling You,  That I Can Sell

It For Eight-Pence A Sheet."

The Plaister Went Off Rapidly,  And Was Soon Expended. The Doctor Went On

Describing His Other Valuable Articles,  And When He Came To His

Cosmetics,  &C.,  For Women,  We Could Not Hand Them Out Fast Enough. "And

Now," Said The Doctor,  "I Must Bid You Farewell For This Evening."

"I'M Glad Of That," Said Timothy,  "For Now I Mean To Sell My Own

Medicine."

"Your Medicine,  Mr Dionysius! What Do You Mean By That?"

"Mean,  Sir; I Mean To Say That I'Ve Got A Powder Of My Own Contriving,

Which Is A Sovereign Remedy."

"Remedy,  Sir,  For What?"

"Why,  It'S A Powder To Kill Fleas,  And What'S More,  It'S Just As

Infallible As Your Own."

"Have You,  Indeed; And Pray,  Sir,  How Did You Hit Upon The Invention?"

"Sir,  I Discovered It In My Sleep By Accident; But I Have Proved It,  And

I Will Say,  If Properly Administered,  It Is Quite As Infallible As Any

Of Yours. Ladies And Gentlemen,  I Pledge You My Honour That It Will Have

The Effect Desired,  And All I Ask Is Sixpence A Powder."

"But How Is It To Be Used,  Sir?"

"Used--Why,  Like All Other Powders; But I Won'T Give The Directions Till

I Have Sold Some; Promising,  However,  If My Method Does Not Succeed,  To

Return The Money."

"Well,  That Is Fair,  Mr Dionysius; And I Will Take Care That You Keep

Your Bargain. Will Anybody Purchase The Fool'S Powder For Killing

Fleas."

"Yes,  I Will," Replied A Man On The Broad Grin,  "Here'S Sixpence. Now,

Then,  Fool,  How Am I To Use It?"

"Use It," Said Timothy,  Putting The Sixpence In His Pocket; "I'Ll

Explain To You. You Must First Catch The Flea,  Hold Him So Tight Between

The Forefinger And Thumb As To Force Him To Open His Mouth; When His

Mouth Is Open You Must Put A Very Little Of This Powder Into It,  And It

Will Kill Him Directly."

"Why,  When I Have The Flea As Tight As You State,  I May As Well Kill Him

Myself."

"Very True,  So You May,  If You Prefer It; But If You Do Not,  You May Use

This Powder,  Which Upon My Honour Is Infallible."

This Occasioned A Great Deal Of Mirth Among The Bystanders. Timothy Kept

His Sixpence,  And Our Exhibition For This Day Ended,  Very Much To The

Satisfaction Of Melchior,  Who Declared He Had Taken More Than Ever He

Had Done Before In a Whole Week. Indeed,  The Whole Sum Amounted To L17,

10S.,  All Taken In Shillings And Sixpences,  For Articles Hardly Worth

The Odd Shillings In The Account; So We Sat Down To Supper With

Anticipations Of A Good Harvest,  And So It Proved. We Stayed Four Days

At This Town,  And Then Proceeded Onwards,  When The Like Success Attended

Us,  Timothy And I Being Obliged To Sit Up Nearly The Whole Night To

Label And Roll Up Pills,  And Mix Medicines,  Which We Did In a Very

Scientific Manner. Nor Was It Always That Melchior Presided; He Would

Very Often Tell His Audience That Business Required His Attendance

Elsewhere,  To Visit The Sick,  And That He Left The Explanation Of His

Medicines And Their Properties To His Pupil,  Who Was Far Advanced In

Knowledge. With My Prepossessing Appearance,  I Made A Great Effect,  More

Especially Among The Ladies,  And Timothy Exerted Himself So Much When

With Me,  That We Never Failed To Bring Home To Melchior A Great Addition

To His Earnings--So Much So,  That At Last He Only Showed Himself,

Pretended That He Was So Importuned To Visit Sick Persons,