The secret behind the smile. by Berenice Monzon (free e reader .TXT) 📕

I do. She went thru a lot and when a mean a lot I mean a lot! But that’s not my fault and she does blame it on us especially me I don’t know why… why everything is directed to me. I just can’t stand that woman she ruined my childhood. How I wish she was different that she will notice that just because she had a life like that doesn’t mean we need the same. That woman harmed my life so bad. Now I look at the world like her, I also push people away. And I don’t want that I don’t want a world like hers. There’s no peace in my house people just make fun of you and don’t listen to you. Maybe my mom wont change at all I’m still going to try, but if I don’t win I need to know that did my best to change her. But it’s hard I know I can’t do anything about it, just to look away. Am I naïve to believe that she will change? Am I… because I will keep asking the same question until I get an answer, don’t I deserve an answer? Or maybe there’s no answer but cant I at least search to find something, but what if the search turns endless? Does that mean I have to give my entire life to find something that might not be worth any thing?

Chapter 9: What am I looking for?

I’m looking for freedom, peace, love and forgiveness that’s all but freedom is not free I had to give all the years of my life to have one day of freedom and that is not enough. Because she wants me to work from the age of fourteen she is not going to take my teen hood away ether she rules my who, what, when, how and because, she rules all my life in a hate full way. I don’t like the idea that she wants to move and has she talk to us about it No!! And I can’t do anything about it. I’m looking for someone who wakes up every morning and asks me about me, someone who cares when I don’t who would give me an extra push. I want someone to celebrate my victories and losses. And those people are Nyia Suarez, Brook Shires, Mallory Love, Natalie Horn, Yesenia Argueta, Maddie Rainwater, Scotty Wallace, Lacie Herring, Elijah Robbers, Pedro Monzon (my dad) Tiffany Henry and more. How I wish someone will realize that I exist, and if she only talked to me once only once and if people saw in me a different person that I also believe and if they loved me instead of pushing me away how I wish the world would be a different place peace instead of fear, love instead of hate.

Chapter 10: The question that I always asked myself.

Where was god when I needed him? Where were those who seemed to be my friends when I was down? And the phrase that they always said I will always be here for you. And those same people made fun of me why … why do I deserve this what have I done and I stared at the sky and said god today I need you more than anything in this whole world you are the reason that my life is so beautiful lord. Where were they when I needed them the most, when I needed someone to listen when I had something to say or when I needed a little push to keep going? Why… why everybody I loved all of a sudden left me alone and never came back. The bible says in Jeremiah 29. 11-14

11. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

12. And then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you

13. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

14. I will be found by you and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations where I have banished you and bring you back to the place from witch I carried you into exile. So where was god when I begged with all my strength? And now I see the problem… I’m the problem because if she doesn’t tell me she loves me I should if she doesn’t hug me I will but I can’t because I can’t forgive her for all she has done.


Chapter 11: My life now.

Now I am a girl who wakes up every morning and sees herself in the mirror and say ooohh another day come on berenice put on your good face and go on. But I’m really saying ooohh crap school… the thing that I hate but enjoy where I have been bullied where I’m outside there box where my feelings don’t matter. Now I’m used to lose what I love the most where it’s always my decision them or me and I always pick them because I… I care because at the end of the day I’m done because I gave to much this day. I go to school from 8:35-4:00 and I make the best of it I smile, laugh and act like crazy basically but when I get home my smile… turns into a frown because I know what’s next. My life now is what I never wanted it to be like. I’m a girl who hates without hating and ruins everything and every body, because she was ruined too. Now I don’t think positive because it’s always too good just too good to be true but I try to never say no to all but… I’m tired of waiting for something good to happen. I want to reach over and for something good that I expected to happen. To the end and over I have to reach to get on day of peace. I want a world where I can live with all those who I love and who love me, where I can say finally I belong were no body can say no, where a river of calmness flows and to sand tall and strong, where all those people who I mention before be so proud of what I became. And when I can finally say god I’m here transform me I believe in you come to my life I will open my door and give you my heart fill my life with love change my heart. I want to hug without felling remorse because I can’t hug my mom and I can go up to somebody and say I love you. And I smile even after all these years. I thank those who give me that little push every single day thank you because you all haven’t given up on me. I have not given up jet here I am with my feet on the ground I’m not going anywhere no! not only do I think of me I might tell you I don’t care do you see my face does it look like I care I might just have a bad day I don’t mean it.

Chapter12: What Berenice will become.

I want to be a singer at any age. I will graduate in four years and go back to Nyia Suarez, Brook Shires, Mallory Love, Natalie Horn, Yesenia Argueta, Maddie Rainwater, Scotty Wallace, Lacie Herring, Elijah Robbers and Tiffany Henry and say I made it, I will get my carrier I want to work 3 years teaching (all in honor of Nyia Suarez, Brook Shires, Mallory Love, Scotty Wallace and Lacie Herring,) 3 more as a preacher then conclude my life working for the FBI I might get married have kids and I will never treat my kids like my mom did to us. And keep Nyia Suarez, Brook Shires, Mallory Love, Natalie Horn, Yesenia Argueta, Maddie Rainwater, Scotty Wallace, Lacie Herring, Elijah Robbers, Pedro Monzon (my dad) and Tiffany Henry in touch of what I might become and everything I do of Berenice will be for them. And I will succeed I will because I wont ever give up. And you may wonder what about your mom? Aren’t you going to tell her? The answer is I can’t see my mom straight in the eye and tell her are you proud of me because she will say no because I could not give her what she wanted out of me. and I’m sorry for that Because I love her so bad that I cant refuse to change her but I have made other people in my life proud like Nyia Suarez, Brook Shires, Mallory Love, Natalie Horn, Yesenia Argueta, Maddie Rainwater, Scotty Wallace, Lacie Herring, Elijah Robbers, Pedro Monzon (my dad) and Tiffany Henry all these people did care and showed me how to care and I thank that. Because I can’t show you love in a matter of seconds I have to trust you I got to get to know you too. I have to know that you care that you will not give up on me ever. I need to forget everything that has ever happened in my life. And if nothing will bother me… ever again. And if I don’t take things seriously and let everything slip thru and don’t listen to all around to get on day of peace. For those people I stand … for those who care who every day woke up by my side and went to bed by my side too. Every day they made me feel like… a person a real person I owe me life to them because they are my strength my hope the piece of air that I need every day THANK YOU!.Because I made it … I made it because of you. For every single one of your word I stand because they were words of hope. Thank you for standing by my side and holding my hand along the way. Gratitude to my friends and teachers whose faith was mine, faith in my ability and guidance helped me break the hate and power. For giving me the encouragement to complete my life.

Chapter13: What I think Berenice is.

I am an every day fighter some one who wipes the tiers of her face and lifts her self harder. And every day I weak up for a new start some day. Who fights for those who dream of one day peace will finally fly thru the air I’ve seen pretty hard stuff but I don’t judge actually all that has helped me be who I am, but I just have a lot in me that I need to get out but I’m afraid to. Berenice is some one who would give it all for somebody else some one who will actually sit there with you all day and listen to all your problems some one who will give it all to see someone else smile because Berenice did something for that smile to appear. Berenice is a dream girl who has dreams and hopes that one day those dreams come true. Berenice is a girl who might show hate to all but no she only hates herself because she has no strength to tell her mom what and how she feels. I cannot tell her that I cannot follow and that I want her to be part of my life. I'm afraid! Afraid of losing the only “love” that I receive from her. I wish that some day I will go up to her and tell her all that I have kept in silence for all these years all