The secret behind the smile. by Berenice Monzon (free e reader .TXT) 📕

Chapter 1: I sat in the corner of that room.

I sat in the corner of that room, with no light where fear strikes like lightning. Where darkness filled the air, a tier rolled down my check slowly. I’m tired I want to rest. My life is like a war which never ends. Where bad luck is everything there is, and I ask myself….. Why… why is life so hard? Surrounded by four walls that I cannot escape I’m locked tight inside DEPRESION, FEAR and GUILTINESS. On the outside I’m smiling but on the inside I’m bursting in tears. I can’t wait until I’m out of this place, like a slave I feel every time a step away from freeform. I’ve grown older now and also wiser, now I know what to expect here. I’ve been here seven years and each year became harder. Tomorrow another day the same thing over and over again nothing has changed for good. Six more years until I’m free until I have peace until I can smile again. I’ve been through a lot like being everyone’s pet. I’ve wanted seven years for one thing only, I’ve wished a millions of times that thing, that thing is…. A new life, where people can be free where no matter what there will always be someone there with you who will rescue you from danger and will hug you and make tears disappear, a frown will turn into a smile. I showed hate for that woman who said she gave it all, and every single day woke up to destroy. For that same women who said she loved you but made you feel so stupid. For that woman who compared you with anything and will give it all to never see you again, who never gave you a hug or was there for you. Who felt better by torturing others, and her attitude left you speechless. She stood up with such dignity, but had none at all. You could never imagine a woman so cruel. She had four children three girls one boy (Jessica 20, jasmin 19, me 12, Edwin 10).Edwin the boy who received everything because he had mental problems she gave it all to him and when we stood in front of her with our hands open ready to receive something she had no more to give and that made us so sad, because we did not want anything fancy, we just wanted love. She always finds the right moment to hurt you. And her words are like a punch in the face. Everything is your fault. She pushes you down when you are barley lifting yourself up. Every time she hits you harder. And problems become issues. That’s just how her world is. Oh how I hate that woman because she was never there, she always pushed you away. It’s like I’m always begging her… to change, but she will never give her suborned behavior away. It’s stupid I have to talk to other people about my stuff I have to share my victories and losses with others like Mrs. Suarez, Mrs. Shires and Mrs. Love. She doesn’t know what I like or dislike, she doesn’t know ether what I do in school, when I get sad, when I need a hug. I’m different than normal people, I care about other people I believe in rights I believe that no matter what there’s a chance for you. I believe in peace, I’m not afraid to say what I believe, and that’s what I don’t like… that I trust others and when they leave me down I feel like the world is on top of me and I feel it’s my fault. She doesn’t like the truth. Truth is too harmful to her because she knows that someday the truth will be reviled. Because she is not the woman who she claims to be, it’s unbelievable. I ask my self… is it possible that a girl who tries so hard can’t tell her mom I love you, because it’s so hard, because she has never heard those words, and she wishes she had. I come out of my house at ten… you may say to play, but no (I come out to throw the trash out). Well I come out of my house and look at all the FREE space and I picture myself FAR away from that, and I see people on the other side calling me inviting me over to FREEDOM but... I can’t go I don’t know why like if there was this force keeping me apart. But I want to be free I want this war to be over, I want people to come over tap my shoulder and say… you did it, you wan, the war is over. I want people to be proud because I made it but I just see that to far away. There are times when I say no more but I’m still here because there’s people who whisper in my ear: YOU CAN’T GO ON, and I believe that, but there’s others who say: YOU ARE ALMOST THERE… COME ON and I also believe that. But is so hard I’m only thirteen and I’m tired… I’m tired but I have to go on I have to “because soon things will change.”

Chapter 2: Fear

Fear, that’s what I showed the most. Fear to all, fear especially to her because there where times when I did not recognize that women, like if all of a sudden she became evil without us realizing of such miss understanding. Some times she was different than other times. She became the green, nasty, and mean person that destroyed our house. Like if she became possessed by this evil thing that surrounded her completely and transformed her into this robot that destroyed everything in her way. That was her world. She is just angry at life but she made our world angry too and made us pay and impossible to stand, she wants us to have a life like she did once but that’s not what we want, we want to be teens we want to play we want to enjoy life, but I don’t know how because I never had played in the mud or been to sleepovers or ever just have a great time, because for her there was not sort thing. She wanted cruelty and that’s what she gave. That lady would never understand you because her life was destroyed too, but she doesn’t understand because she never has. How I wish she was different that she will notice that just because she had a life like that doesn’t mean we need the same. That woman harmed my life so bad. Now I look at the world like her, I also push people away. And I don’t want a world like her. There’s no peace in my house people just make fun of you and don’t listen to you. Maybe my mom wont change at all I’m still going to try, but if I don’t win know that I did my best to change her. I just can’t stand that woman she ruined my childhood. Fear because I’m just a plastic bag with no strength and she is the bully who tosses me around and there’s nothing I can do about it because her powers are stronger then mine, but I’m on a mission to return all those broken hearts to there owners. And some day some one will come up to me and say thank you….thank you for… all and I will feel special because all my hard work actually paid of. I want to feel proud of my self and everyday to weak up happy. Like a soldier I’ve walked and there was PAIN and SUFFERING. A desert I’ve cross and I’ve lost the strong in me; even if I wan the war my armor has vanished. When I cried for the times that I’ve tried and I tried to forgive the tiers I have shed and there’s only TEARS and SADNESS, lost of times I feel like this my heart wishes for something real. I want PEACE during the war faith and hop when I can’t go on, even when my world is falling in peaces. I’ve helped millions but nobody has helped me yet. I guess I’m getting use to the idea of having an INVISIBLE life. I don’t promise ill win the war ill give it my best. I’m tired of me and her playing hide and go seek I’m also tired of me continuing to look for her and to never find her. And she is always complaining that we don’t remember her and that’s what I HATE. There’s no day when I stop thinking abut my mom no day.

Chapter 3: Depression

Depression, depression hurts specially if your heart turns black all of a sudden and just shuts down completely leaving you hanging there and you never get to hear it again. I fell in depression, you may ask yourself a little girl... she is only thirteen and she is depressed. Well yes let me tell you why. The fact that I could not have my mom and the fact that I gave completely all my life to do something about it but nothing worked made me feel depress. I was passing trough a horrible stage in my life fifth grade that year where kids where crazy where kids competed with others to win girls, teaches and power… and when I mean power I mean over the kids from K-4. Fifth grade where kids did not care, where kids threw others down and started fights all the time and cussed all around and wear make-up and where totally well bitches sorry for that word but is true. Moving on, also my fathers death. I got home from school one day I remember everything like if it was happening again it was December,8 it was a cloudy day I had won a award at school and felt happy, but all of a sudden I felt this charge on me. The bell rang everybody was running in the hallways I could not passed trough like if something told me no! Don’t go it’s too sad and was holding on to me. I got on the bus and the felling of get home fast something has happened left me speechless. I got home and silence was every where. Everyone had long faces and it seemed if they where crying, my mom call me and I sat next to her she hugged me!! She really hugged me! And she left for work and told my sisters tell her, Williams (Jessica’s boyfriend) hold my hand and said Berenice…. your dad… your dad past away….. Silence from everyone for a moment. No!! No!! I said and started to cry, jasmin hugged me. I was out of control for five minutes. I went to frida’s house (my best friend) I told her hug me hug me because that’s what I needed the most she asked what was going on, I said my dad died. It was heart changing, since then I lived with depression all trough 5th and 6th grades. But nobody knew. I guess because I never told anyone because I never really opened up since then. Nobody cared because I did not share with no one because it was my lost no body else’s only mine and I had to hold it… Love and I can never be is it because don’t deserve love or what?


Chapter 4: Guiltiness

Guiltiness, I always felt so guilty, I guess because she made us feel