Shame Of Maastricht: The Revelation of Misery by Marie N. Hallen (books to improve english .TXT) 📕

Table Of Contents

Demise Reversed

Her morning began just like everyone’s morning. The rays of sun were leaking through the curtains, leaving shiny stripes on the wall. Luuk was asleep after finishing his assignment late at night and Kate had a day off which she decided to dedicate to simple things that brought her joy. Cooking lefse felt relaxing, it was something that carried her away. Kate loved cooking in general, but lefse was her favorite specialty.

It’s been a year since those life-changing events happened. And she was afraid to recall them or to think of them. They never talked about Lotte and what happened that day as Luuk always tried to avoid the topic after their conversation at hospital. They attended Lotte’s funeral together trying to comfort her mourning family but no one asked them more than they had told. But she couldn’t pretend she did not notice the changes that were gradually creeping into their lives and undermining the foundation she had been trying to build for years.

This year they have visited around 30 countries just in six months exploring the furthermost corners of the world and discovering all the hidden gems, petting cheetahs, feeding coalas, riding camels, racing, visiting caves, shafts and much more. Kate quit her job at the embassy and switched to the information technology field as a virtual reality developer which allowed them to get to a new level. She worked from home most of the time, just like Luuk, so they spent even more time together. They moved to a bigger house, spacious, light, with high ceilings, a small green garden and a lake view. She picked all the furniture carefully and designed the whole interior herself, trying to make it as light as possible.

“You are the best designer I’ve ever known,” Luuk told her when everything was finished.

But now… Now things were different. More and more pills appeared in his cabinet, slowly but surely gaining a full-fledged place in their new home. Also syringes, ampoules. She often found fragments of glass ampoules that suspiciously splashed out in a heap of innocent rubbish, candy wrappers and other cute waste that a couple who lives by following a family idyll might have. Sometimes empty plastic bottles showed up in the bin and one could only guess about their past contents. She sighed and covered them with new rubbish, realizing that this was the only way to fight. To fight what? Something invisible that was gradually defiling this idyll and eventually their lives. But they need to fight by all means. With the help of doctors, a private therapist, even a fraudster, online consultations, conversations, persuasions, massage, alcohol, new positions in bed, new medicines and trips. Although the number of latter has decreased recently. He was slipping away.

“Honey, your breakfast is ready,” Kate brought the plate into the bedroom as she loved to please him with freshly cooked treats right in bed as he opened his eyes. He was standing by the window and staring at the lake, frozen in a catatonic drowse. His eyes didn’t even blink.

“Hey, I’ve got something for you, sweetheart,” Kate approached Luuk, cuddling him from behind. He turned around slowly but kept looking in the hollow space with a dead glance. He also had circles under his eyes which betrayed him.

“Thank you, I will eat out soon, not feeling well now. Please leave it at the table.”

“Have you worked all night long?” Kate wondered with mock surprise. “I thought you went to bed at three or something.”

“No dear, I only planned to, but the server failed. I actually managed to sleep for like two hours.”

She sighed and put the plate aside. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to eat. She knew he was waiting until she was gone only to take another fix. Now he was standing with his face against the wall, peering into Kate’s old painting depicting a naked woman swimming underwater. He was standing and looking at the picture, as if he tried to figure out something, but then rushed and pressed his face against the wall, petrified. Another ampule glanced like a fake diamond in the sun beams. Kate rushed to Luuk and took him by the hand, trying to get him to sit down on the bed. She waved her hand in front of his face but he didn’t react, only kept staring into nowhere with glazed eyes as if an invisible abyss opened up in front of him trying to suck him in. The abyss was there.

“You shouldn’t hide, Luuk, I understand” she said and left the room.

She was sitting on the couch in the empty living room, all alone and dazed. She knew the true reason but preferred to hide it deep inside her memory. But sometimes closing your eyes doesn’t make the problem disappear. What was it? She witnessed something she couldn’t find an explanation for and couldn’t ask, bewaring that the miracle could reveal to be just another illusion, another sand castle or a bubble which will burst sooner or later. Was it fading away now? It didn’t seem so, but we all know big things start with small ones. She could feel the subtle presence of something standing at their door, floating beyond their windows and emerging right from the air. She should have asked herself why he gave up on Lotte that evening. Or night. Or whatever it could be. He only had thirty second to make a decision and this is why she didn’t want to research his motivation but it seemed that the reluctance to analyze the reason was about to lead to another irrecoverable mistake. It was Luuk who initially made this fatal mistake but the reckoning was about to take over Kate. She will pay for this too and it would be stupid to refuse after so many successful efforts to be at the forefront. But what was Lotte thinking about at that moment, when they both were tied up and abandoned to their fate? How did it feel to realize you are left for dead and did she even realize that? Kate was afraid to imagine her face in case she did realize everything. If not, this could be some kind of relief to them both.

It would be stupid to deny that “that day” didn’t affect their minds, mental health and sanity. As the time flows, it was becoming more and more obvious that Luuk was affected. He had some kind of morbid euphoria he tried to present as good mood and affection, to mask it with humor and other sweet things. And now he started displaying it. The euphoria was covering the psychosis hidden deep inside. Now it was about to break free, to emerge like that unknown creature from underwater Kate had seen in her dream. It was approaching the surface of that sweet pink or turquoise syrup water, rising from the bottom ang going up, up, up… Once it comes up to the surface… This is mainly what she was trying not to think about, afraid of looking into the true face of psychosis which was about to devour Luuk. Apparently he was afraid of it too as he started taking various pills and then switched to opioids which grabbed hold of him relatively soon. And this addiction was growing and the arsenal of means and the army of doctors showed to be useless.

Luuk stopped going outside. First he became less likely to leave home, then completely stopped. Kate could often see him in a catatonic state, silent, looking into nowhere. It seemed to her he was losing himself, slowly melting away. He lost weight and stopped going to the gym. First he worked out at home but a few months passed and Kate never saw him do gym at all.

But it wasn’t withdrawal from the gym that made Kate anxious. She looked in his eyes and the flames which once melted and burned her heart, was gone. There was something else in his eyes. Something desperate, detached, cold and lost. He was blinded from the inside and she felt it. “This is not Luuk I used to know… This is not how he behaves… I don’t know what lives in his head now…”

She was embraced by grim thoughts which crawled into her head and stuck to her mind as Luuk was distancing himself from the outer world. Kate guessed the true reason but at the same time she refused to believe. Sometimes Luuk spent hours on the couch staring into nowhere and never said a word when she tried to talk to him. Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night and she could hear him walk around the house pointlessly. Sometimes he stayed in bed the whole day pretending to be asleep but she knew he was reluctant to get up and realized that it wasn’t the case of laziness, fatigue or occupational burnout.

She often laid down next to him trying to embrace him and start a neutral conversation, but after a few words, Luuk became silent, indecisive and unable to concentrate.

Something was standing at the threshold of their house and their souls. And Kate realized she was too miserable to protect him from this overwhelming depression and feeling of despair.

The Derelict

I would ban all the food from my home if I lived alone, but in my family I’m the only one who doesn’t need it. A few weeks ago I realized I can live without food and can do quite well without it. It all started that day… I won’t mention it because when I recall it, I go through it again and again… Let me just call it “that day”... Or “that fatal day”, if you like, whatever. It was just a time interval which became a turning point in my life. I wouldn’t dare to call it life though. But be that as it may, I don’t want to eat any more and I won’t eat until I want to.

It’s been 30 days since I stopped eating. I’ve read many stories of people who starved themselves for various reasons - political hunger strike, anorexia