Mr. Punch's Railway Book by J. A. Hammerton et al. (best ebook reader .txt) 📕

Only a few years before Mr. Punch began his long and brilliant career had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present time Mr. Punch has not failed to find in the railway and its associations "a source of innocent merriment."

It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of Punch literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation[Pg 6] enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where Mr. Punch in his wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway system Mr. Punch has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable contrast to the not very distant past.

To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," literary and pictorial, that have appeared in Mr. Punch's pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!

[Pg 7]

Turning Business into Pleasure.—Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train en route for Town. The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.

The Panic-stricken Passengers.—Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious.

A Lark in the Dark.—Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.

A Comical Meal.—On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour.

The Strange Companions.—Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.

A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers).—Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. Verb. sap.

"Half third return to Brixton, please."

"Half! What's your age?"

"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."

[Pg 9]

Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station) "'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"

Minor R.O. (with dignity). "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."

Friend (impressed). "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?"

Minor R.O. "Well, I can't say as I saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"

[Pg 10]

AN EXCITING TIME

Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a dangerous lunatic!! (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)

[Pg 11]

A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN

Scene—A third-class carriage. Time—Three hours before the next station. Dramatis Person�—Jones and Robinson.

"It's the last!—and it's a T�ndstickor. It'll only strike on the box!"

"Strike it on the box, then;—but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"

"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"

[Pg 12]

"WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.

Passenger (in second class). "I think I've got into the wrong carriage."

Ticket Inspector (sternly). "The difference must be paid!"

Passenger (triumphantly). "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings—I've a first-class ticket!"

[Pg 13]

A REMINDER

Old Lady. "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?—the big portmantle and——"

Porter. "All right, mum."

Old Lady. "And you're certain I've not left anything behind——"

Porter. "No, mum, not even a copper!"

[Pg 14]

NOTES OF TRAVEL The Cunard "Special" full speed for London

John Bull (of the World in general). "There is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"

Jonathan (from the West in particular). "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"

[Pg 15]

Impatient Traveller. "Er—how long will the next train be, portah?"

Porter. "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."

[Pg 16]

THE LEVEL CROSSING

"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"

"No, mum."

"And no more trains on the down line?"

"No, mum."

"Is there no special train?"

"No, mum."

"Nor an excursion train?"

"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, mum."

"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"

[Pg 17]

Old Maid. "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"

Obliging Passenger. "No, mum. 'Igher up!"

[Pg 18]

THE MISSING SPINSTER

You may boast your great improvements,

Your inventions and your "movements,"

For those who stay at home, and those who travel;

But arrangements for the latter

Are so complex, that the matter

Makes them dotty as a hatter

To unravel.

There was once an ancient lady

Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,

Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.

So in fear and trepidation

She sought out her destination,

And betook her to the station—

Waterloo.

She took her little ticket

And she did not fail to stick it

With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.

Another moment found her

With a plenty to astound her—

For she'd notice-boards all round her,

And above!

So she studied every number

On those sign-posts that encumber

All the station; and she learned them one by one;

But she found the indication

Of the platforms of the station

Not much use as information

When she'd done.

In her shocking state of fluster

Little courage could she muster,

Yet of porters she accosted one or two;

But, too shy to claim attention,

And too full of apprehension,

She could get no one to mention

"Which for Trew."

So she trudged through every station—

"North," "South," "Main,"—in quick rotation,

And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";

Like some hapless new Pandora

She sat down a-gasping for a

Little hope to live on—or a

Plate o' soup.

* * * * *

'Mid the bustle and the hissing

An old maiden lady's "Missing"—

In some corner

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