Author: Marshall P. Wilder

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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WIT AND HUMOR OF *** Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Suzanne Lybarger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

Transcriber's Note

Unlike the other volumes of The Wit and Humor of America in Project Gutenberg, Volume V was not prepared from the "Library Edition," and thus has discontinuous page numbers and will not match the index in Volume X. In addition, a few pieces in Volume V are duplicated in Volume VI, but all have been retained as printed in each edition.

THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA Edited by MARSHALL P. WILDER VOLUME V FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY
NEW YORK AND LONDON

Copyright 1907, by BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
Copyright 1911, by THE THWING COMPANY

Printed in the United States of America
CONTENTS

PAGE Abou Ben Butler John Paul 211 At Aunty's House James Whitcomb Riley 70 Bill's Courtship Frank L. Stanton 42 Bully Boat and a Brag Captain, A Sol Smith 222 Committee from Kelly's, A J.V.Z. Belden 151 Co-operative Housekeepers, The Elliott Flower 149 Drayman, The Daniel O'Connell 40 Dutiful Mariner, The Wallace Irwin 198 Especially Men George Randolph Chester 160 Farewell Bert Leston Taylor 194 Funny Little Fellow, The James Whitcomb Riley 28 Going Up and Coming Down Mary F. Tucker 10 Have You Seen the Lady? John Philip Sousa 27 Her "Angel" Father Elliott Flower 159 Itinerant Tinker, The Charles Raymond Macauley 74 It Pays to be Happy Tom Masson 214 Latter-Day Warnings Oliver Wendell Holmes 212 Lectures on Astronomy John Phoenix 54 Letter from a Self-Made Merchant to His Son, A George Horace Lorimer 186 Marriage of Sir John Smith, The Phœbe Cary 7 Melinda's Humorous Story May McHenry 200 Miss Legion Bert Leston Taylor 26 Mosquito, The William Cullen Bryant 215 Mr. Dooley on Expert Testimony Finley Peter Dunne 51 Mr. Hare Tries to Get a Wife Anne Virginia Culbertson 142 Musical Review Extraordinary John Phoenix 30 My First Cigar Robert J. Burdette 220 My Ruthers James Whitcomb Riley 197 Night in a Rocking-Chair, A Kate Field 124 Old Grimes Albert Gorton Greene 24 Piano in Arkansas, A Thomas Bangs Thorpe 112 Quit Yo' Worryin' Anne Virginia Culbertson 157 Rollo Learning to Play Robert J. Burdette 132 Runaway Boy, The James Whitcomb Riley 38 Set of China, The Elisa Leslie 12 Simon Starts in the World J.J. Hooper 96 Spring Beauties, The Helen Avery Cone 9 Strike of One, The Elliott Flower 84 Suppressed Chapters Carolyn Wells 22 Tiddle-Iddle-Iddle-Iddle-Bum! Bum! Wilbur D. Nesbit 218 Whar Dem Sinful Apples Grow Anne Virginia Culbertson 121 Willy and the Lady Gelett Burgess 72 Woman Who Married an Owl, The Anne Virginia Culbertson 44 COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

[Pg 7]

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA THE MARRIAGE OF SIR JOHN SMITH By Phœbe Cary

Not a sigh was heard, nor a funeral tone,
As the man to his bridal we hurried;
Not a woman discharged her farewell groan,
On the spot where the fellow was married.

We married him just about eight at night,
Our faces paler turning,
By the struggling moonbeam's misty light,
And the gas-lamp's steady burning.

No useless watch-chain covered his vest,
Nor over-dressed we found him;
But he looked like a gentleman wearing his best,
With a few of his friends around him.

Few and short were the things we said,
And we spoke not a word of sorrow,
But we silently gazed on the man that was wed,
And we bitterly thought of the morrow.

We thought, as we silently stood about,
With spite and anger dying,
How the merest stranger had cut us out,
With only half our trying.[Pg 8]

Lightly we'll talk of the fellow that's gone,
And oft for the past upbraid him;
But little he'll reck if we let him live on,
In the house where his wife conveyed him.

But our hearty task at length was done,
When the clock struck the hour for retiring;
And we heard the spiteful squib and pun
The girls were sullenly firing.

Slowly and sadly we turned to go,—
We had struggled, and we were human;
We shed not a tear, and we spoke not our woe,
But we left him alone with his woman.
[Pg 9] THE SPRING BEAUTIES By Helen Avery Cone

The Puritan Spring Beauties stood freshly clad for church;
A thrush, white-breasted, o'er them sat singing on his perch.
"Happy be! for fair are ye!" the gentle singer told them;
But presently a buff-coat Bee came booming up to scold them.
"Vanity, oh, vanity!
Young maids, beware of vanity!"
Grumbled out the buff-coat Bee,
Half parson-like, half soldierly.

The sweet-faced maidens trembled, with pretty, pinky blushes,
Convinced that it was wicked to listen to the thrushes;
And when that shady afternoon, I chanced that way to pass,
They hung their little bonnets down and looked into the grass.
All because the buff-coat Bee
Lectured them so solemnly—
"Vanity, oh, vanity!
Young maids, beware of vanity!"
[Pg 10] GOING UP AND COMING DOWN By Mary F. Tucker

This is a simple song, 'tis true—
My songs are never over-nice,—
And yet I'll try and scatter through
A little pinch of good advice.
Then listen, pompous friend, and learn
To never boast of much renown,
For fortune's wheel is on the turn,
And some go up and some come down.

I know a vast amount of stocks,
A vast amount of pride insures;
But Fate has picked so many locks
I wouldn't like to warrant yours.
Remember, then, and never spurn
The one whose hand is hard and brown,
For he is likely to go up,
And you are likely to come down.

Another thing you will agree,
(The truth may be as well confessed)
That "Codfish Aristocracy"
Is but a scaly thing at best.
And Madame in her robe of lace,
And Bridget in her faded gown,
Both represent a goodly race,
From father Adam handed down.[Pg 11]

Life is uncertain—full of change;
Little we have that will endure;
And 't were a doctrine new and strange
That places high are most secure;
And if the fickle goddess smile,
Yielding the scepter and the crown,
'Tis only for a little while,
Then B. goes up and A. comes down.

This world, for all of us, my friend
Hath something more than pounds and pence;
Then let me humbly recommend,
A little use of common sense.
Thus lay all pride of place aside,
And have a care on whom you frown;
For fear you'll see him going up,
When you are only coming down.
[Pg 12] THE SET OF CHINA By Eliza Leslie

"Mr. Gummage," said Mrs. Atmore, as she entered a certain drawing-school, at that time the most fashionable in Philadelphia, "I have brought you a new pupil, my daughter, Miss Marianne Atmore. Have you a vacancy?"

"Why, I can't say that I have," replied Mr. Gummage; "I never have vacancies."

"I am very sorry to hear it," said Mrs. Atmore; and Miss Marianne, a tall, handsome girl of fifteen, looked disappointed.

"But perhaps I could strain a point, and find a place for her," resumed Mr. Gummage, who knew very well that he never had the smallest idea of limiting the number of his pupils, and that if twenty more were to apply, he would take them every one, however full his school might be.

"Do pray, Mr. Gummage," said Mrs. Atmore; "do try and make an exertion to admit my daughter; I shall regard it as a particular favor."

"Well, I believe she may come," replied Gummage: "I suppose I can take her. Has she any turn for drawing?"

"I don't know," answered Mrs. Atmore, "she has never tried."

"Well, madam," said Mr. Gummage, "what do you wish your daughter to learn? figures, flowers, or landscape?"

"Oh! all three," replied Mrs. Atmore. "We[Pg 13] have been furnishing our new house, and I told Mr. Atmore that he need not get any pictures for the front parlor, as I would much prefer having them all painted by Marianne. She has been four quarters with Miss Julia, and has worked Friendship and Innocence, which cost, altogether, upwards of a hundred dollars. Do you know the piece, Mr. Gummage? There is a tomb with a weeping willow, and two ladies with long hair, one dressed in pink, the other in blue, holding a wreath between them over the top of the urn. The ladies are Friendship. Then on the right hand of the piece is a cottage, and an oak, and a little girl dressed in yellow, sitting on a green bank, and putting a wreath round the neck of a lamb. Nothing can be more natural than the lamb's wool. It is done entirely in French knots. The child and the lamb are Innocence."

"Ay, ay," said Gummage, "I know the piece well enough—I've drawn them by dozens."

"Well," continued Mrs. Atmore, "this satin piece hangs over the front parlor mantel. It is much prettier and better done than the one Miss Longstitch worked of Charlotte at the tomb of Werter, though she did sew silver spangles all over Charlotte's lilac gown, and used chenille, at a fi'-penny-bit a needleful, for all the banks and the large tree. Now, as the mantel-piece is provided for, I wish a landscape for each of the recesses, and a figure-piece to hang on each side of the large looking-glass, with flower-pieces under them, all by Marianne. Can she do all these in one quarter?"

"No, that she can't," replied Gummage; "it will take her two quarters hard work, and maybe three, to get through the whole of them."[Pg 14]

"Well, I won't stand about a quarter more or less," said Mrs. Atmore; "but what I wish Marianne to do most particularly, and, indeed, the chief reason why I send her to drawing-school just now, is a pattern for a set of china that we are going to have made in Canton. I was told the other day by a New York lady (who was quite tired of the queer unmeaning things which are generally put on India ware), that she had sent a pattern for a tea-set, drawn by her daughter, and that every article came out with the identical device beautifully done on the china, all in the proper colors. She said it was talked of all over New York, and that people who had never been at the house before, came to look at and admire it. No doubt it was a great feather in her daughter's cap."

"Possibly, madam," said Gummage.

"And now," resumed Mrs. Atmore, "since I heard this, I have thought of nothing else than having the same thing done in my family; only I shall send for a dinner set, and a very long one, too. Mr. Atmore tells me that the Voltaire, one of Stephen Girard's ships, sails for Canton early next month, and he is well acquainted with the captain, who will attend to the order for the china. I suppose in the course of a fortnight Marianne will have learned drawing enough to enable her to do the pattern?"

"Oh! yes, madam—quite enough," replied Gummage, suppressing a laugh.

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