Mr. Punch's Book of Sport<br />The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, Hockey, Racin by J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne (fb2 epub reader txt) đź“•
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S. S. Tol-lish. And really, when I come to think of it, Mr. Smorltork-Gossip, you have been also entertaining.
M. M. Proud and honoured! And now, what do you think about the luncheon?
S. S. Oh! I haven't time to think about the luncheon.
[Pg 21]
Fair Batter (�tat. 18). "Now, just look here, Algy Jones--none of your patronage! You dare to bowl to me with your left hand again, and I'll box your ears!"
A Match Miscalled.—Considering the style and number of the turn-outs on the ground, and the amount of champagne-cups consumed at Lord's during the Great Public School Cricket Encounter, suppose it were re-christened the Drag and Drinking, instead of the Harrow and Eton, Match?
At the Village Cricket Match.—Umpire (carried away by enthusiasm on seeing the young Squire send a ball hard to leg). Well hit, Master Arthur, well hit! (Remembering himself.) But don't make no short runs!
[Pg 23]
CRICKET AT LORD'S(Hits by Dumb-Crambo, Jun.)
A PATIENT INNINGS
A CUT IN FRONT OF POINT
OVER!
LAST MAN. HIS USUAL FORM
Bait appreciated by both Cricketers and Fishermen.—Lobs.
A Tie.—("Ladies v. Gentlemen.") The Ladies came out as they had gone in, all "Ducks."
And what did the Gentlemen make?—Love.
[Pg 24]
THE LADY CRICKETER(Directions for attaining Perfection.)
Get up a match by saying to some local subaltern that it would be such fun to have a game, and you know a girl who could give points to Grace.
Agree with the youthful warrior that the fun would be increased by allowing the men to play with broom-sticks, and left-handed, and the girls, of course, with bats, and unrestricted.
Arrange your eleven in such a fashion that you come out as captain in the most picturesque costume.
Be careful to "kill" your colleagues' appearance by an artful combination of discordant hues.
Carry out the above scheme with the assistance of a joint committee consisting of two, yourself and the local subaltern.
Arrange, at the last moment, that the men shall only send out six of their team to field.
Manage to put yourself in first, and play with confidence the initial ball.
Amidst the applause of the six fielders you will be clean bowled.
Retire gracefully, and devote the rest of the afternoon to tea and mild flirtation with the five men who have been weeded out.
CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY.When a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more,
Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score."
[Pg 25]
CRICKET CATCHES(By D. Crambo, Junior.)
A FORWARD STYLE
OUT WITH A BEAUTIFUL BAILER
COLLARING THE BOWLING
A PROMINENT PLAYER
SENT BACK WITH A SHOOTER
A DIFFICULT WICKET
[Pg 26]
FAIR CRICKETERS["The growing favour with which athletic exercises are being regarded by those who are still 'the gentler sex,' is evidenced by the rapid adoption of cricket into the roll of those games which may be practised by ladies without the sober world being shocked. In the course of the past Summer there have been several matches."—Standard.]
You may play the game of Cricket, like the men well known to fame,
And be good "all round," like some folks at that fascinating game;
You may bowl like Mr. Spofforth at the Demon's deadly pace,
You may lead a team like Harris, and may bat like Doctor Grace;
But in vain your skill and prowess—can you dare to win the day,
Although hope may spring eternal, when the Ladies come to play?
They have conquered us at Croquet, though philosophers might scoff,
And the masculine intelligence was beaten by "two off."
[Pg 28]As a vehicle for flirting we acknowledged all its charms,
And gay soldiers fell before it, although used to war's alarms;
But they held me-thinks their cricket-bats as doughty as their swords,
And they never dreamt of Ladies at the Oval or at Lord's.
Then we turned to Roller-skating, how the God of Love must wink
As he ponders o'er the havoc wrought on many a pleasant rink;
There the Ladies, as their wont is, held indubitable sway,
As they circled like the seagull in as fair and facile way;
And we yielded, though at Prince's woman held all hearts in thrall,
For we thought of our one Empire, that of Cricket—bat and ball.
Comes the era of Lawn Tennis, when the balls spin o'er the net,
What avail the "Renshaw smashes" when the Ladies win the "sett,"
And the boldest of all volleys will be found of little use
When the women gain "advantage," their opponents at the "deuce."
So we leave the lawn to Ladies, it were graceful there to yield;
But we thought that still at Cricket we were masters of the field.
THE LAST BALL OF THE SEASON
[Pg 27]
Uninvited.—We had bowled out their best men, and should have won the match, but somebody came on the ground with a confounded hy�na-coloured bull-terrier, who ran after the ball, and wouldn't give it up.
[Pg 29]
"Boots and Chambermaid."—Robin (the morning after the cricket supper). "What does this 'B' and 'C' mean, Dick?" Richard (with a headache). "O, brandy an' soda, of course. Ring 'em both, there's a good fellow!"
[Pg 30]
Vain the hope, for lo! the Ladies give poor Men no hour of peace.
Can we dare to "pop the question" when they front the "popping-crease"?
Though with "leg before the wicket" your short innings may be o'er,
Will the umpire be as truthful when it's "petticoat before"?
So lay down "the willow," batsmen, and, oh, bowler, leave the wicket,
Ye must yield once more to Woman, for the Ladies now play Cricket!
At the 'Varsity Cricket Match.—Newcomer (to Gent in front). If you would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg's cap.
Pudding it Plainly.—Why is a promising cricketer like flour and eggs?
Because he's calculated to make a good batter.
The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket-bat.
The Real "Triple Alliance."—A three-figure innings at cricket.
[Pg 31]
Our Village Cricket Club.—We had thirty seconds left before the time for drawing stumps. Our two last men were in, and we wanted one run to tie and two to win. It was the most exciting finish on record.
[Pg 32]
THE USEFUL CRICKETER(A Candid Veteran's Confession.)
I am rather a "pootlesome" bat—
I seldom, indeed, make a run;
But I'm rather the gainer by that,
For it's bad to work hard in the sun.
As a "field" I am not worth a jot,
And no one expects me to be;
My run is an adipose trot,
My "chances" I never can see.
I am never invited to bowl,
And though, p'r'aps, this seems like a slight,
In the depths of my innermost soul
I've a notion the Captain is right.
In short, I may freely admit
I am not what you'd call a great catch
But yet my initials are writ
In the book against every match!
For although—ay, and there is the rub—
I am forty and running to fat,
I have made it all right with the Club,
By presenting an Average Bat!
Another Title!! Supplemental Gazette of Birthday Honours.—Dr. W. G. Grace to be Cricket-Field-Marshal.
[Pg 33]
Muscular High Church Curate. "Wonderful things 'Grace' does!"
Low Church Vicar (surprised at the serious observation from his volatile friend). "Ah, my dear sir, true—-"
High Church Curate. "Yes. Only fancy, y'know!—ninety-two, and not out!!"
[Pg 34]
"LE CRICQUETTE"How he will be played—shortly.
Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris.
Monsieur,
I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous dignitaries the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your great Public Seminaries, and the Principal of your renowned Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have given me concerning "Le Criquette," your unique National game, and I thank you in the name of my Committee for your present of implements—les wickettes, le boule de canon, les gros bois (the batsman's weapons), le cuirasse pour les jambes de Longstoppe, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your brave professionals to play the match[Pg 36] against our Parisian "onze," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the rising generation of our young France.
A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in forwarding it to you. Meantime, I must say that the substitution of a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the deadly "boule de canon" as used by your countrymen, has been decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and[Pg 38] Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless pastime. Les wickettes, as being too small for the Bowlsman to reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, should be instantly suppressed. The "overre," too, should consist of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the consideration of the Committee. I now subjoin "Le Score" I mentioned; a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at which I have hinted.
ALL FRANCE v. AN ENGLISH 'OME-TEAM.
All France.
[Pg 39]
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