The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (crime books to read TXT) π
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- Author: Marshall P. Wilder
Read book online Β«The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (crime books to read TXT) πΒ». Author - Marshall P. Wilder
"And killed him?" chuckled Riley.
"No, sir! I missed fire!"
"And the red-skinβ" shouted the old woodsman, in a frenzy of excitement.
"Fired and killed me!"
The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, servants and hostlers running up stairs to see if the house was on fire![Pg 749]
"AS GOOD AS A PLAY" BY HORACE E. SCUDDERThere was quite a row of them on the mantel-piece. They were all facing front, and it looked as if they had come out of the wall behind, and were on their little stage facing the audience. There was the bronze monk reading a book by the light of a candle, who had a private opening under his girdle, so that sometimes his head was thrown violently back, and one looked down into him and found him full of brimstone matches. Then the little boy leaning against a greyhound; he was made of Parian, very fine Parian, too, so that one would expect to find a glass cover over him: but no, the glass cover stood over a cat and a cat made of worsted, too: still it was a very old cat, fifty years old in fact. There was another young person there, young like the boy leaning on a greyhound, and she, too, was of Parian: she was very fair in front, but behindβah, that is a secret which is not quite time yet to tell. One other stood there, at least she seemed to stand, but nobody could see her feet, for her dress was so very wide and so finely flounced. She was the china girl that rose out of a pen-wiper.
The fire in the grate below was of soft coal, and flashed up and down, throwing little jets of flame up that made very pretty foot-lights. So here was a stage, and here were the actors, but where was the audience? Oh, the Audience was in the arm-chair in front. He had a[Pg 750] special seat; he was a critic, and could get up when he wanted to, when the play became tiresome, and go out.
"It is painful to say such things out loud," said the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, with a trembling voice, "but we have been together so long, and these people round us never will go away. Dear girl, will you?βyou know." It was the Parian girl that he spoke to, but he did not look at her; he could not, he was leaning against the greyhound; he only looked at the Audience.
"I am not quite sure," she coughed. "If, now, you were under a glass case."
"I am under a glass case," spoke up the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Marry me. I am fifty years old. Marry me, and live under a glass case."
"Shocking!" said she. "How can you? Fifty years old, too! That would indeed be a match!"
"Marry!" muttered the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "A match! I am full of matches, but I don't marry. Folly!"
"You stand up very straight, neighbor," said the Cat-made-of-worsted.
"I never bend," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "Life is earnest. I read a book by candle. I am never idle."
The Cat-made-of-worsted grinned to himself.
"You've got a hinge in your back," said he, "they open you in the middle; your head flies back. How the blood must run down. And then you're full of brimstone matches. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted grinned out loud. The Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound spoke again, and sighed:
"I am of Parian, you know, and there is no one else here of Parian except yourself."
"And the greyhound," said the Parian girl.[Pg 751]
"Yes, and the greyhound," said he eagerly. "He belongs to me. Come, a glass case is nothing to it. We could roam; oh, we could roam!"
"I don't like roaming."
"Then we could stay at home, and lean against the greyhound."
"No," said the Parian girl, "I don't like that."
"Why?"
"I have private reasons."
"What?"
"No matter."
"I know," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "I saw her behind. She's hollow. She's stuffed with lamp-lighters. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted grinned again.
"I love you just as much," said the steadfast Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, "and I don't believe the Cat."
"Go away," said the Parian girl, angrily. "You're all hateful. I won't have you."
"Ah!" sighed the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.
"Ah!" came another sighβit was from the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiperβ"how I pity you!"
"Do you?" said he eagerly. "Do you? Then I love you. Will you marry me?"
"Ah!" said she; "butβ"
"She can't!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "She can't come to you. She hasn't got any legs. I know it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw them."
"Never mind the Cat," said the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.
"But I do mind the Cat," said she, weeping. "I haven't. It's all pen-wiper."
"Do I care?" said he.
"She has thoughts," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "That lasts longer than beauty. And she is solid behind."[Pg 752]
"And she has no hinge in her back," grinned the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Come, neighbors, let us congratulate them. You begin."
"Keep out of disagreeable company," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book.
"That is not congratulation; that is advice," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Never mind, go on, my dear,"βto the Parian girl. "What! nothing to say? Then I'll say it for you. 'Friends, may your love last as long as your courtship.' Now I'll congratulate you."
But before he could speak, the Audience got up.
"You shall not say a word. It must end happily."
He went to the mantel-piece and took up the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper.
"Why, she has legs after all," said he.
"They're false," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "They're false. I know it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw true ones on her."
The Audience paid no attention, but took up the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.
"Ha!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Come. I like this. He's hollow. They're all hollow. He! he! Neighbor Monk, you're hollow. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted never stopped grinning. The Audience lifted the glass case from him and set it over the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound and the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper.
"Be happy!" said he.
"Happy!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Happy!"
Still they were happy.[Pg 753]
THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMESIt is not easy, at the best, for two persons talking together to make the most of each other's thoughts, there are so many of them.
[The company looked as if they wanted an explanation.]
When John and Thomas, for instance, are talking together, it is natural enough that among the six there should be more or less confusion and misapprehension.
[Our landlady turned pale;βno doubt she thought there was a screw loose in my intellects,βand that involved the probable loss of a boarder. A severe-looking person, who wears a Spanish cloak and a sad cheek, fluted by the passions of the melodrama, whom I understand to be the professional ruffian of the neighboring theater, alluded, with a certain lifting of the brow, drawing down of the corners of the mouth and somewhat rasping voce di petti, to Falstaff's nine men in buckram. Everybody looked up. I believe the old gentleman opposite was afraid I should seize the carving-knife; at any rate, he slid it to one side, as it were carelessly.]
I think, I said, I can make it plain to Benjamin Franklin here, that there are at least six personalities distinctly to be recognized as taking part in that dialogue between John and Thomas.
[Pg 754]
Only one of the three Johns is taxed; only one can be weighed on a platform-balance; but the other two are just as important in the conversation. Let us suppose the real John to be old, dull and ill-looking. But as the Higher Powers have not conferred on men the gift of seeing themselves in the true light, John very possibly conceives himself to be youthful, witty, and fascinating, and talks from the point of view of this ideal. Thomas, again believes him to be an artful rogue, we will say; therefore he is so far as Thomas's attitude in the conversation is concerned, an artful rogue, though really simple and stupid. The same conditions apply to the three Thomases. It follows, that, until a man can be found who knows himself as his Maker knows him, or who sees himself as others see him, there must be at least six persons engaged in every dialogue between two. Of these, the least important, philosophically speaking, is the one that we have called the real person. No wonder two disputants often get angry, when there are six of them talking and listening all at the same time.
[A very unphilosophical application of the above remarks was made by a young fellow, answering to the name of John, who sits near me at table. A certain basket of peaches, a rare vegetable, little known to boarding houses, was on its way to me viΓ’ this unlettered Johannes. He appropriated the three that remained in the basket, remarking that there was just one apiece for him. I convinced him that his practical inference was hasty and illogical, but in the mean time he had eaten the peaches.][Pg 755]
"Our Sumatra Correspondence"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,βhaving been won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ββ Stamford, during the stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions (unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the "Notes and Queries." This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but this fact can not be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.
"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper-tree and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D.P.] It is said, however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called natives in England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in the cuisine peculiar to the island.
"During the season of gathering the pepper, the per[Pg 756]sons employed are subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backward for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of the Γ¦olipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed exclusively on this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the pepper-fever, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species of swine called the Peccavi by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan Buddhists.
"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe and America under the familiar name of macaroni. The smaller twigs are called vermicelli. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be observed in the soups containing them. Macaroni, being tubular, is the favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being accompanied by a piston
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