The History and Records of the Elephant Club by Doesticks and Underhill (easy readers .TXT) 📕

the worst. The Judge told the boys the nature of the charge against them. The name of the witness being called, Mr. Conrad Heinrich Holzenkamp announced his presence by an emphatic 'Here.'

Mr. Holzenkamp was a man who was the very ideal of a lager bier saloon keeper. His weight was at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, one half of which could be set down to lager bier. His height was not more than five feet eight, but the circumference and diameter of the lager bier were enormous. He carried himself erect by necessity to balance the[Pg 247] lager bier in the front. His hide was in wrinkles across the back of his neck whenever he held back his head, and every wrinkle seemed ready to burst with lager bier. Mr. Holzenkamp's face looked lager bier; Mr. Holzenkamp walked lager bier, drank and ate lager bier in alternation. He thought lager bier, dreamed lager bier. In brief, Mr. Holzenkamp was composed of two things: first, the effects of lager bier; and second, lager bier.

Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the oath in his characteristic manner as follows:

"You solemnly swear, in the presence of Almighty God, that the evidence which you shall give in the present case, shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, kiss the book, and get out of my way.

"Mr. Holzenkamp.—I can shwear to all de dings vat you shpeak, but to tell de whole troot, dat can I not shwear; ven I can dinks fon all dese boys have done, I tells you more as genuff to sends them to de Benidentiary for so long as dey lives; a hoonerd dings dey do vot I dinks not of.

"The Court.—Kiss the book, Mr. Holzenkamp.

"The witness proceeded to bring a gill of lager bier contained in his nose, and a half gill of lager bier contained in his lips, in contact with a venerable[Pg 248] Bible, which has been so familiar with crime by long association that we almost wonder the text has not been long since corrupted as much as the cover. Lager bier and the Bible having come in contact, lager bier is supposed to be incapable of lying.

"The Court.—Mr. Holzenkamp, please state the circumstances connected with the arrest of these boys.

"Mr. H.—Vell, on Vensday night, at von o'clock, my koostumers dey all goes vay fom mine lager bier saloon, und I say to Yawcob to go mit him and put up de blinds; ven he goes out mineself, mine vife, ve drinks some lager bier, and den I dakes de money and counts dem and puts dem in mine pocket; ven Yawcob come in ve locks de door, and goes de shtairs up to shleep; vel mine vife and I get to de bed in, so soon as ve can, and den I shleeps; ven I bin shleep leetle vile mine vife she shakes me and say, 'Heinrich, de cats dey makes noise in de shtreets so dat I cannot shleep;' ven I vakes up I hear so much cats squall in de shtreets dat I dinks dere vas a meetin fon cat politicians. But dey makes so much noise I cannot vink mine eyes vonce to shleep; so I get up and goes to de window and say 'shcat,' 'shcat;' but de more I say shcat de more dey vill not shcat.[Pg 249] I say to mine vife, 'Katrina, you bin so younger and so smaller as I bin, you go down in de shtreets and drives 'vay de cats.' My vife den goes down, and ven she opens de door de cat squalls not more, and she looks to see dem, but dere is not cats in de shtreets. Ven she comes de shtairs up again and say de cats bin gone ve lie on de bed to shleep; vell, ven I bin yust shleep most, mine Gott! I hear de cats so louder as before, and I say to mine vife all de cats in de city bin come on the shtep-valk fon mine lager bier saloon; dey squall like hoonerd dyvels, and I try more to shcat dem vay. But it was no goot; dey shquall—I cannot say to you so bad as dey shquall. Mine vife say dere bin a tunder-shower fon cats; ven I lie in mine bed and shtand it so long as I can, I jump up und shwear dat I shoots all de cats in de vorld; I dakes mine bistol and runs de shtairs down, but I bin so mad, und I go so quick, dat I falls the shtairs over, und in a minute finds mine head knock on de vall, my right hand in some Schweitzer cheese, de oder in de shpit-box, und von foot in de big ice-pitcher; so soon as I can gits up and goes to de door und opens it, I goes on de shtep-valk, und mine foot shlips, and I falls down on mine back, and breaks all de bones in mine body; I feels mine hand on de shtep-valk, and I find it bin all covered mit[Pg 250] soft soap; I dries to raise mineself, but I bin so heavy dat I down falls before I get up; yust den mine vife come and help me, and bulls me fom de shtep-valk in de door; ve do not hear de cats den, und so ve goes to de beds again; so soon as ve lie down I hears de cats so vorse as de oder time—I hears notings but cats; I never was so much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de strings[Pg 251] comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.

"The Court.—Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such conduct?

"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:

"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.

"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any more, in consideration of which they were discharged."

Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy O'Neil.

The case he said occupied the attention of the[Pg 252] court nearly a half hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him to make direct responses to his questions.

"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat—that is to say, it was high in the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red; his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse stockings and brogans.

"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act. When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross, and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.

"The Clerk.—What's your name?

"Prisoner.—The same as me father's.

"'What was his name?'

"'The same as mine.'

"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'[Pg 253]

"'Timothy.'

"'And what else?'

"'I haven't any middle name.'

"'I mean your last name.'

"'O'Neil.'

"'How long have you been in the city?'

"'Since I come to the counthry.'

"'How long is that?'

"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'

"'What month was it?'

"'The first Sunday in Lint.'

"'Where do you live?'

"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'

"'Where do they live?'

"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'

"'I mean what street?'

"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'

"'Tell me what street the house is on?'

"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the blackguard streets so much?'

"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'

"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'

"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'[Pg 254]

"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'

"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'

"'Three doors from the corner.'

"'What corner?'

"'The corner of the street.'

"'What street?'

"'The street three doors above.'

"'Well what is its name?'

"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'

"'Well, tell me the name.'

"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'

"'Well, what's the number of the house?'

"'The number on the door do you mane?'

"'Certainly.'

"'There isn't anny.'

"'What is your trade?'

"'Me father never 'prenticed me.

"'I mean what do you work at?'

"'I don't do any work.'

"'Why?'

"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'

"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'

"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'[Pg 255]

"'At what were you employed?'

"'Haird work.'

"'What kind of work?'

"'In the shores' (sewers).

"'You are charged with being drunk.'

"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at this minute.'

"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that they saw you drunk yesterday.'

"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'

"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'

"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'

"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'

"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'

"'Where did you purchase it?'

"'At the Dutchman's.'

"'Where is his store?'

"'On the corner.'

"'What corner?'

"'The corner nearest to where they're buildin' the shtore.'

"'Where is that?'[Pg 256]

"Where I was workin'.'

"The Court.—What was O'Neil doing when you found him?

"Officer.—He was lying very drunk in a hole which he had been digging.

"Prisoner.—Be me sowl you're wrong for wonst; I didn't dig the howl; I dug out the dirt and left the howl.

"'Were you ever up before the Court before?'

"'No, nor behind aither; when I want to be again, I'll sind to your honor and let ye know.'

"'If I let you of this time will you keep sober?'

"'Faith I will, unliss the Dutchmin keep betther liquor nor they do now.'

"'You may go.'

"'Thank ye, sir—ye're a gintleman, av there iver was wan.'

"Mr. Timothy O'Neil left the court-room."

Mr. Dropper also proposed to relate the experience of some half a dozen mornings which he had spent in the pursuit of amusement under difficulties, when he had occupied himself in seeing the sights around the Jefferson Market Police Court.

"On one of the mornings which I devoted to visiting the Tombs," said