The Wit and Humor of America, Volume I. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (summer beach reads .txt) ๐
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- Author: Marshall P. Wilder
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And some that were ready to pull.
Was one who had eyes of blue,
A little excuse of a baby nose,
Little pink ears, and ten little toes,
And a mouth that kept saying ah-goo.
She raised up her arms in gleeโ
Her little fat armsโand she seemed to say,
"I'm ready to go with you right away;
Don't hunt any moreโtake me."
And, hugging her to my breast,
I heard a loud yelling that pierced me through,
'Twas His Terrible Eminence, Grizzly-Gru,
Of the Monarchy of Unrest.
A picturesque lot of clothes,
With big moustaches both fierce and black,
And a ghastly saber to cut and hack,
And shoes that turned up at the toes.
The cherub and I took flight,
And closely behind us the saber flew,
And back of the saber came Grizzly-Gru,
And he chased us all day till night.[Pg 176]
'And out on the silver horn;
I kissed the baby and held her tight,
And jumped down into the starry night,
AndโI lit on the earth at morn.
It missed and went round the sun;
He followed no further, he was not rash,
But the baby held on to my coarse moustache,
And seemed to enjoy the fun.
From the gardens of Grizzly-Gru,
I suffered a terrible shock and fright;
But the doctor believes it will be all right,
And he thinks he can pull me through.
[Pg 177] JOHN HENRY IN A STREET CAR BY HUGH McHUGH
Throw me in the cellar and batten down the hatches.
I'm a wreck in the key of G flat.
I side-stepped in among a bunch of language-heavers yesterday and ever since I've been sitting on the ragged edge with my feet hanging over.
I was on my way down to Wall Street to help J. Pierpont Morgan buy a couple of railroads and all the world seemed as blithe and gay as a love clinch from Laura Jean Libbey's latest.
When I climbed into the cable-car I felt like a man who had mailed money to himself the night before.
I was aces.
And then somebody blew out my gas.
At the next corner two society flash-lights flopped in and sat next to me.
They had a lot of words they wanted to use and they started in.
The car stopped and two more of the 400's leading ladies jumped the hurdles and came down the aisle.
They sat on the other side of me.
In a minute they began to bite the dictionary.
Their efforts aroused the energies of three women who sat opposite me, and they proceeded to beat the English language black and blue.
In a minute the air was so full of talk that the grip germs had to pull out on the platform and chew the conductor.[Pg 178]
The next one to me on my left started in:
"Oh, yes; we discharged our cook day before yesterday, but there's another coming this evening, and soโ"
Her friend broke away and was up and back to the center with this:
"I was coming down Broadway this morning and I saw Julia Marlowe's leading man. I'm sure it was him, because I saw the show once in Chicago and he has the loveliest eyes I ever looked at!"
I knew that that was my cue to walk out, kick the motorman in the knuckles, upset the car and send in a fire call, but I passed it up.
I just sat there and bit my nails like the heavy villain in one of Corse Payton's ten, twen, thir dramas.
That "loveliest eyes" speech had me groggy.
Whenever I hear a woman turn on that "loveliest eyes" gag about an actor I always feel that a swift slap from a wet dish-rag would look well on her back hair.
Then the bunch across the aisle got the flag.
"Well, you know," says the broad lady who paid for one seat and was compelled by Nature to use three, "you know there's only five in our family, and so I take just five slices of stale bread and have a bowl of water ready in which I've dropped a pinch of salt. Then I take a piece of butter about the size of a walnut, and thoroughly grease the bottom of a frying-pan; then beat five eggs to a froth, andโ"
I'm hoping the conductor will come in and give us all a tip to take to the timber because the cops are going to pinch the room, but there's nothing doing.
One of the dames on my right finds her voice and passes it around:โ
"Oh, I think it's a perfect fright! I always did detest electric blue, anyway. It is so unbecoming, and thenโ"[Pg 179]
I've just decided that this lady ought to make up as a Swede servant girl and play the part, when her friend hooks in:
"Oh, yes; I think it will look perfectly sweet! It is a foulard in one of those new heliotrope tints, made with a crรชpe de chine chemisette, with a second vest peeping out on either side of the front over an embroidered satin vest and cut in scallops on the edge, finished with a full ruche of white chiffon, and the sleeves are just too tight for any use, and the skirt is too long for any good, and I declare the lining is too sweet! and I just hate to wear it out on the street and get it soiled, and I was going to have it made with a tunic, and Mrs. Wigwagโthat's my brother-in-law's first cousinโshe had her's made to wear with guimpesโand they are so economical! andโ"
Think of a guy having to ride four miles and get his forehead fanned all the while with talk about foulard and crรชpe de chine and guimpes!
Wouldn't it lead you to a padded cell?
Say! I was down and outโno kidding!
I wanted to get up and fight the door-tender, but I couldn't.
One of the conversationalists was sitting on my overcoat.
I felt that if I got up and called my coat back to Papa she might lose the thread of her story, and the jar would be something frightful.
So I sat still and saved her life.
The one on my right must have been the Lady President of The Hammer Club.
She was talking about some other girl and she didn't do a thing to the absent one.
She said she was svelte.
I suppose that's Dago for a shine.[Pg 180]
That's the way with some women. They can't come right out and call another woman a polish. They have to beat around the bush and chase their friends to the swamps by throwing things like "svelte" at them. Tush!
I tried to duck the foreign tattle on my right and by so doing I'm next to this on my left:
"Oh, yes; I think politics is just too lovely! I don't know whether I'd rather be a Democrat or a Republican, but I thinkโoh! just look at the hat that woman has on! Isn't that a fright? Wonder if she trimmed it herself. Of course she did; you can tell byโ"
I'm gasping for breath when the broad lady across the aisle gets the floor:
"No, indeed! I didn't have Eliza vaccinated. Why, she's too small yet, and don't you know my sister's husband's brother's child was vaccinated, and she is younger than our Eliza, but I don't just care, I don't wantโ"
Then the sweet girlish thing on my left gave me the corkscrew jab.
It was the finish:
"Isn't that lovely? Well, as I was telling you, Charlie came last night and brought Mr. Storeclose with him. Mr. Storeclose is awfully nice. He plays the mandolin just too sweet for anything, andโ"
Me!โto the oyster beds! No male impersonators garroting a mandolinโnot any in mine!
When I want to take a course in music I'll climb into a public library and read how Baldy Sloane wrote the Tiger Lily with one hand tied behind him and his feet on the piano.
So I fell off the car and crawled home to mother.[Pg 181]
THE MUSKEETER BY JOSH BILLINGSMuskeeters are a game bug, but they won't bite at a hook. Thare iz millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az reddy and anxious to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, as red pepper duz. The muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov the muskeeto iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.[Pg 182]
THE TURNINGS OF A BOOKWORM BY CAROLYN WELLSDead men sell no tales.
A new boom sweeps clean.
Circumstances alter bookcases.
The more haste the less read.
Too many books spoil the trade.
Many hands make light literature.
Epigrams cover a multitude of sins.
Ye can not serve Art and Mammon.
A little sequel is a dangerous thing.
It's a long page that has no turning.
Don't look a gift-book in the binding.
A gilt-edged volume needs no accuser.
In a multitude of characters there is safety.
Incidents will happen even in the best regulated novels.
One touch of Nature makes the whole book sell.
Where there's a will there's a detective story.
A book in the hand is worth two in the library.
An ounce of invention is worth a pound of style.
A good name is rather to be chosen than great characters.
Where there's so much puff, there must be some buyer.
[Pg 183] THE FEAST OF THE MONKEYS BY JOHN PHILIP SOUSA
So I've been told,
The monkeys gave a feast.
They sent out cards,
With kind regards,
To every bird and beast.
The guests came dressed,
In fashion's best,
Unmindful of expense;
Except the whale,
Whose swallowtail,
Was "soaked" for fifty cents.
Canes, hats and caps;
And when that task was done,
The footman he
With dignitee,
Announced them one by one.
In Monkey Hall,
The host met all,
And hoped they'd feel at ease,
"I scarcely can,"
Said the Black and Tan,
"I'm busy hunting fleas."[Pg 184]
A score or more
Of guests," the hostess said,
"We'll have the Poodle
Sing Yankee Doodle,
A-standing on his head.
And when this through,
Good Parrot, you,
Please show them how you swear."
"Oh, dear; don't cuss,"
Cried the Octopus,
And he walked off
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