Mr. Dooley's Philosophy by Finley Peter Dunne (ebooks that read to you TXT) 📕

I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation if I can get out an injunction.

An Englishman appears resarved because he can't talk.

What China needs is a Chinese exclusion act.

All th' wurruld loves a lover—excipt sometimes th' wan that's all th' wurruld to him.

A nation with colonies is kept busy. Look at England! She's like wan iv th' Swiss bell-ringers.

Th' paramount issue f'r our side is th' wan th' other side doesn't like to have mintioned.

If ye put a beggar on horseback ye'll walk ye'ersilf.

It takes a sthrong man to be mean. A mean man is wan that has th' courage not to be gin'rous. Whin I give a tip 'tis not because I want to but because I'm afraid iv what th' waiter'll think. Russell Sage is wan iv Nature's noblemen.

An autocrat's a ruler that does what th' people wants an' takes th' blame f'r it. A constitootional ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that does as he dam pleases an' blames th' people.

'Tis as hard f'r a rich man to enther th' kingdom iv Hiven as it is f'r a poor man to get out iv Purgatory.

Evil communications corrupt good Ph'lippeens.

Ivry man has his superstitions. If I look at a new moon over me shoulder I get a crick in me neck.

Thrust ivrybody—but cut th' ca-ards.

If Rooshia wud shave we'd not be afraid iv her.

Some day th' Ph'lippeens 'll be known as th' Standard Isles iv th' Passyfic.

A woman's sinse iv humor is in her husband's name.

Most women ought niver to look back if they want a following.

If ye dhrink befure siven ye'll cry befure iliven.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels be an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

Th' throuble with most iv us, Hinnissy, is we swallow pollytical idees befure they're ripe an' they don't agree with us.

Dhressmakers' bills sinds women into lithrachoor an' men into an early decline.

A bur-rd undher a bonnet is worth two on th' crown.

People tell me to be frank, but how can I be whin I don't dare to know mesilf?

People that talk loud an' offind ye with their insolence are usu'lly shy men thryin' to get over their shyness. 'Tis th' quite, resarved, ca'm spoken man that's mashed on himsilf.

If men cud on'y enjye th' wealth an' position th' newspapers give thim whin they're undher arrest! Don't anny but prominent clubman iver elope or embezzle?

Miditation is a gift con-fined to unknown philosophers an' cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.

A good manny people r-read th' ol' sayin' “Larceny is th' sincerest form iv flatthry.”

Tis a good thing th' fun'ral sermons ar-re not composed in th' confissional.