Mike by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (most popular novels .TXT) 📕
He was alone in the carriage. Bob, who had been spending the last week of the holidays with an aunt further down the line, was to board the train at East Wobsley, and the brothers were to make a state entry into Wrykyn together. Meanwhile, Mike was left to his milk chocolate, his magazines, and his reflections.
The latter were not numerous, nor profound. He was excited. He had been petitioning the home authorities for the past year to be allowed to leave his private school and go to Wrykyn, and now the thing had come about. He wondered what sort of a house Wain's was, and whether they had any chance of the cricket cup. According to Bob they had no earthly; but then Bob only recognised one house, Donaldson's. He wondered if Bob would get his first eleven cap this year, and if he himself were likely to do anything at cricket. Marjory had faithfully reported e
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almost began to wonder if I hadn’t. The man’s got stacks of evidence
to prove that I did.”
“Such as what?”
“It’s mostly about my boots. But, dash it, you know all about that.
Why, you were with him when he came and looked for them.”
“It is true,” said Psmith, “that Comrade Downing and I spent a very
pleasant half-hour together inspecting boots, but how does he drag you
into it?”
“He swears one of the boots was splashed with paint.”
“Yes. He babbled to some extent on that point when I was entertaining
him. But what makes him think that the boot, if any, was yours?”
“He’s certain that somebody in this house got one of his boots
splashed, and is hiding it somewhere. And I’m the only chap in the
house who hasn’t got a pair of boots to show, so he thinks it’s me. I
don’t know where the dickens my other boot has gone. Edmund swears he
hasn’t seen it, and it’s nowhere about. Of course I’ve got two pairs,
but one’s being soled. So I had to go over to school yesterday in
pumps. That’s how he spotted me.”
Psmith sighed.
“Comrade Jackson,” he said mournfully, “all this very sad affair shows
the folly of acting from the best motives. In my simple zeal, meaning
to save you unpleasantness, I have landed you, with a dull, sickening
thud, right in the cart. Are you particular about dirtying your hands?
If you aren’t, just reach up that chimney a bit?”
Mike stared, “What the dickens are you talking about?”
“Go on. Get it over. Be a man, and reach up the chimney.”
“I don’t know what the game is,” said Mike, kneeling beside the fender
and groping, “but—_Hullo_!”
“Ah ha!” said Psmith moodily.
Mike dropped the soot-covered object in the fender, and glared at it.
[Illustration: MIKE DROPPED THE SOOT-COVERED OBJECT IN THE FENDER.]
“It’s my boot!” he said at last.
“It is,” said Psmith, “your boot. And what is that red stain
across the toe? Is it blood? No, ‘tis not blood. It is red paint.”
Mike seemed unable to remove his eyes from the boot.
“How on earth did—By Jove! I remember now. I kicked up against
something in the dark when I was putting my bicycle back that night.
It must have been the paint-pot.”
“Then you were out that night?”
“Rather. That’s what makes it so jolly awkward. It’s too long to tell
you now–-”
“Your stories are never too long for me,” said Psmith. “Say on!”
“Well, it was like this.” And Mike related the events which had led up
to his midnight excursion. Psmith listened attentively.
“This,” he said, when Mike had finished, “confirms my frequently stated
opinion that Comrade Jellicoe is one of Nature’s blitherers. So that’s
why he touched us for our hard-earned, was it?”
“Yes. Of course there was no need for him to have the money at all.”
“And the result is that you are in something of a tight place. You’re
absolutely certain you didn’t paint that dog? Didn’t do it, by
any chance, in a moment of absent-mindedness, and forgot all about it?
No? No, I suppose not. I wonder who did!”
“It’s beastly awkward. You see, Downing chased me that night. That was
why I rang the alarm bell. So, you see, he’s certain to think that the
chap he chased, which was me, and the chap who painted Sammy, are the
same. I shall get landed both ways.”
Psmith pondered.
“It is a tightish place,” he admitted.
“I wonder if we could get this boot clean,” said Mike, inspecting it
with disfavour.
“Not for a pretty considerable time.”
“I suppose not. I say, I am in the cart. If I can’t produce
this boot, they’re bound to guess why.”
“What exactly,” asked Psmith, “was the position of affairs between you
and Comrade Downing when you left him? Had you definitely parted
brass-rags? Or did you simply sort of drift apart with mutual
courtesies?”
“Oh, he said I was ill-advised to continue that attitude, or some rot,
and I said I didn’t care, I hadn’t painted his bally dog, and he said
very well, then, he must take steps, and—well, that was about all.”
“Sufficient, too,” said Psmith, “quite sufficient. I take it, then,
that he is now on the war-path, collecting a gang, so to speak.”
“I suppose he’s gone to the Old Man about it.”
“Probably. A very worrying time our headmaster is having, taking it
all round, in connection with this painful affair. What do you think
his move will be?”
“I suppose he’ll send for me, and try to get something out of me.”
“He’ll want you to confess, too. Masters are all whales on
confession. The worst of it is, you can’t prove an alibi, because
at about the time the foul act was perpetrated, you were playing
Round-and-round-the-mulberry-bush with Comrade Downing. This needs
thought. You had better put the case in my hands, and go out and
watch the dandelions growing. I will think over the matter.”
“Well, I hope you’ll be able to think of something. I can’t.”
“Possibly. You never know.”
There was a tap at the door.
“See how we have trained them,” said Psmith. “They now knock before
entering. There was a time when they would have tried to smash in a
panel. Come in.”
A small boy, carrying a straw hat adorned with the school-house
ribbon, answered the invitation.
“Oh, I say, Jackson,” he said, “the headmaster sent me over to tell
you he wants to see you.”
“I told you so,” said Mike to Psmith.
“Don’t go,” suggested Psmith. “Tell him to write.”
Mike got up.
“All this is very trying,” said Psmith. “I’m seeing nothing of you
to-day.” He turned to the small boy. “Tell Willie,” he added, “that
Mr. Jackson will be with him in a moment.”
The emissary departed.
“You’re all right,” said Psmith encouragingly. “Just you keep
on saying you’re all right. Stout denial is the thing. Don’t go in for
any airy explanations. Simply stick to stout denial. You can’t beat
it.”
With which expert advice, he allowed Mike to go on his way.
He had not been gone two minutes, when Psmith, who had leaned back in
his chair, wrapped in thought, heaved himself up again. He stood for a
moment straightening his tie at the looking-glass; then he picked up
his hat and moved slowly out of the door and down the passage. Thence,
at the same dignified rate of progress, out of the house and in at
Downing’s front gate.
The postman was at the door when he got there, apparently absorbed in
conversation with the parlour-maid. Psmith stood by politely till the
postman, who had just been told it was like his impudence, caught
sight of him, and, having handed over the letters in an ultra-formal
and professional manner, passed away.
“Is Mr. Downing at home?” inquired Psmith.
He was, it seemed. Psmith was shown into the dining-room on the left
of the hall, and requested to wait. He was examining a portrait of Mr.
Downing which hung on the wall, when the housemaster came in.
“An excellent likeness, sir,” said Psmith, with a gesture of the hand
towards the painting.
“Well, Smith,” said Mr. Downing shortly, “what do you wish to see me
about?”
“It was in connection with the regrettable painting of your dog, sir.”
“Ha!” said Mr. Downing.
“I did it, sir,” said Psmith, stopping and flicking a piece of fluff
off his knee.
THE ARTIST CLAIMS HIS WORK
The line of action which Psmith had called Stout Denial is an
excellent line to adopt, especially if you really are innocent, but it
does not lead to anything in the shape of a bright and snappy dialogue
between accuser and accused. Both Mike and the headmaster were
oppressed by a feeling that the situation was difficult. The
atmosphere was heavy, and conversation showed a tendency to flag. The
headmaster had opened brightly enough, with a summary of the evidence
which Mr. Downing had laid before him, but after that a massive
silence had been the order of the day. There is nothing in this world
quite so stolid and uncommunicative as a boy who has made up his mind
to be stolid and uncommunicative; and the headmaster, as he sat and
looked at Mike, who sat and looked past him at the bookshelves, felt
awkward. It was a scene which needed either a dramatic interruption or
a neat exit speech. As it happened, what it got was the dramatic
interruption.
The headmaster was just saying, “I do not think you fully realise,
Jackson, the extent to which appearances—” —which was practically
going back to the beginning and starting again—when there was a knock
at the door. A voice without said, “Mr. Downing to see you, sir,” and
the chief witness for the prosecution burst in.
“I would not have interrupted you,” said Mr. Downing, “but–-”
“Not at all, Mr. Downing. Is there anything I can–-?”
“I have discovered—I have been informed—In short, it was not
Jackson, who committed the—who painted my dog.”
Mike and the headmaster both looked at the speaker. Mike with a
feeling of relief—for Stout Denial, unsupported by any weighty
evidence, is a wearing game to play—the headmaster with astonishment.
“Not Jackson?” said the headmaster.
“No. It was a boy in the same house. Smith.”
Psmith! Mike was more than surprised. He could not believe it. There
is nothing which affords so clear an index to a boy’s character as the
type of rag which he considers humorous. Between what is a rag and
what is merely a rotten trick there is a very definite line drawn.
Masters, as a rule, do not realise this, but boys nearly always do.
Mike could not imagine Psmith doing a rotten thing like covering a
housemaster’s dog with red paint, any more than he could imagine doing
it himself. They had both been amused at the sight of Sammy after the
operation, but anybody, except possibly the owner of the dog, would
have thought it funny at first. After the first surprise, their
feeling had been that it was a scuggish thing to have done and beastly
rough luck on the poor brute. It was a kid’s trick. As for Psmith
having done it, Mike simply did not believe it.
“Smith!” said the headmaster. “What makes you think that?”
“Simply this,” said Mr. Downing, with calm triumph, “that the boy
himself came to me a few moments ago and confessed.”
Mike was conscious of a feeling of acute depression. It did not make
him in the least degree jubilant, or even thankful, to know that he
himself was cleared of the charge. All he could think of was that
Psmith was done for. This was bound to mean the sack. If Psmith had
painted Sammy, it meant that Psmith had broken out of his house at
night: and it was not likely that the rules about nocturnal wandering
were less strict at Sedleigh than at any other school in the kingdom.
Mike felt, if possible, worse than he had felt when Wyatt had been
caught on a similar occasion. It seemed as if Fate had a special
grudge against his best friends. He did not make friends very quickly
or easily, though he had always
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