The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (crime books to read TXT) π
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- Author: Marshall P. Wilder
Read book online Β«The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (crime books to read TXT) πΒ». Author - Marshall P. Wilder
Knows 'bout Giunts, an' Griffuns, an' Elves,
An' the Squidgicum-Squees 'at swallers therselves!
[Pg 644] An', wite by the pump in our pasture-lot,
He showed me the hole 'at the Wunks is got,
'At lives 'way deep in the ground, an' can
Turn into me, er 'Lizabuth Ann!
Aint he a funny old Raggedy Man?
Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!
Wuz makin' a little bow-'n'-orry fer me,
Says "When you're big like your Pa is,
Air you go' to keep a fine store like hisβ
An' be a rich merchuntβan' wear fine clothes?β
Er what air you go' to be, goodness knows!"
An' nen he laughed at 'Lizabuth Ann,
An' I says "'M go' to be a Raggedy Man!β
I'm ist go' to be a nice Raggedy Man!"
Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!
[Pg 645] A MODERN ECLOGUE BY BLISS CARMAN She
And I came down the bank and called to you,
Waved you my hand and asked to come aboard,
And threw you kisses there, what would you do?
Pleading and pale and lonely as the sea,
You'd growl in your old beard, and shake your curls,
And say there was no room for little me?
Put all your faded fancies in the bow,
And all the rest before you in the stern,
And row them out with panic on your brow?
And more beside, could you refuse me there?
He
And ran that crazy scow with perilous skill,
I should be so worn out with keeping trace
Of gibbering ghosts and bidding them sit still,
[Pg 646]
Strewing their petals on the sombre stream,β
"He will come," and "He won't come," down the lands
Of pallid reverie and ghostly dream,β
And give its shadowy lungs free vent in vain,
While you with earthly roses in your hair,
And I grown young at sight of you again,
To find some brand-new continent of heaven.
[Pg 647] A CABLE-CAR PREACHER BY SAM WALTER FOSS I
A man said in a cable-car,
"How careless and how thoughtless," said
The Loud Man in the cable-car;
And then the Man with One Lame Leg
Said softly, "Pardon me, I beg,
For your valise is on my knee;
It's sore," said he of One Lame Leg.
II
And stumbled o'er the Loud Man's shins;
And she was tired half to death,
This Woman Who Came in with Twins;
And then the Man with One Lame Leg
Said, "Madam, take my seat, I beg."
She sat, with her vociferant Twins,
And thanked the man of One Lame Leg.
[Pg 648] III
They carry boorishness so far;
How selfish, careless, thoughtless," said
The Loud Man of the cable-car.
A Man then with the Lung Complaint
Grew dizzy and began to faint;
He reeled and swayed from side to side,
This poor Man with the Lung Complaint.
IV
Said, "You can hardly keep your pins;
Pray, take my seat." He sat, and thanked
The Woman Who Came in with Twins.
The Loud Man once again began
To curse the selfishness of man;
Our lack of manners he bewailed
With vigor, did this Loud, Loud Man.
V
A Blind Man stumbled o'er his feet;
The Loud Man preached on selfishness,
And preached, and preached, and kept his seat.
The poor Man with the Lung Complaint
Stood upβa brave, heroic saintβ
And to the Blind Man, "Take my seat,"
Said he who had the Lung Complaint.
[Pg 649] VI
The Woman Who Came in with Twins;
The poor Man with the Lung Complaint,
Stood, while he preached on selfish sins.
And still the Man with One Lame Leg
Stood there on his imperfect peg
And heard the screed on selfish sinsβ
This patient Man with One Lame Leg.
VII
Sat still and preached and traveled far;
The Blind Man spake no word unto
The Loud Man of the cable-car.
The Lame-Legged Man looked reconciled,
And she with Twins her grief beguiled,
The poor Man with the Lung Complaintβ
All stood, and sweetly, sadly smiled.
[Pg 650] HOW TO KNOW THE WILD ANIMALS BY CAROLYN WELLS
To jungles in the East,
And if there should to you advance
A large and tawny beastβ
If he roar at you as you're dyin',
You'll know it is the Asian Lion.
A noble wild beast meets you,
With dark stripes on a yellow ground,
Just notice if he eats you.
This simple rule may help you learn
The Bengal Tiger to discern.
Whose hide with spots is peppered;
As soon as it has leapt on you,
You'll know it is the Leopard.
'T will do no good to roar with pain,
He'll only lep and lep again.
And meet a creature there
Who hugs you very, very hard,
You'll know it is the Bear.
If you have any doubt, I guess
He'll give you just one more caress.
[Pg 651]
Attached to any tree,
It may be 'tis the Wanderoo,
Or yet the Chimpanzee.
If right side up it may be both,
If upside down it is the Sloth.
A novice might nonplus;
Yet from the Crocodile you may
Tell the Hyena, thus:
'Tis the Hyena if it smile;
If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile.
A lizard sort of thing;
He hasn't any ears at all
And not a single wing.
If there is nothing on the tree
'Tis the Chameleon you see.
[Pg 652] I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER BY PHΕBE CARY
The house where I was wed,
And the little room from which that night,
My smiling bride was led.
She didn't come a wink too soon,
Nor make too long a stay;
But now I often wish her folks
Had kept the girl away!
Her dresses, red and white,
Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,β
They cost an awful sight!
The "corner lot" on which I built,
And where my brother met
At first my wife, one washing-day,β
That man is single yet!
Where I was used to court,
And thought that all of married life
Was just such pleasant sport:β
My spirit flew in feathers then,
No care was on my brow;
I scarce could wait to shut the gate,β
I'm not so anxious now!
[Pg 653]
My dear one's smile and sigh;
I used to think her tender heart
Was close against the sky.
It was a childish ignorance,
But now it soothes me not
To know I'm farther off from Heaven
Then when she wasn't got.
[Pg 654] THE COUPON BONDS BY J.T. TROWBRIDGE
(Mr. and Mrs. Ducklow have secretly purchased bonds with money that should have been given to their adopted son Reuben, who has sacrificed his health in serving his country as a soldier, and, going to visit Reuben on the morning of his return home, they hide the bonds under the carpet of the sitting-room, and leave the house in charge of Taddy, another adopted son.)
Mr. Ducklow had scarcely turned the corner of the street, when, looking anxiously in the direction of his homestead, he saw a column of smoke. It was directly over the spot where he knew his house to be situated. He guessed at a glance what had happened. The frightful catastrophe he foreboded had befallen. Taddy had set the house afire.
"Them bonds! them bonds!" he exclaimed, distractedly. He did not think so much of the house: house and furniture were insured; if they were burned the inconvenience would be great indeed, and at any other time the thought of such an event would have been a sufficient cause for trepidation; but now his chief, his only anxiety was the bonds. They were not insured. They would be a dead loss. And, what added sharpness to his pangs, they would be a loss which he must keep a secret, as he had kept their existence a secret,βa loss which he could not confess, and of which he could not complain. Had[Pg 655] he not just given his neighbors to understand that he had no such property? And his wife,βwas she not at that very moment, if not serving up a lie upon the subject, at least paring the truth very thin indeed?
"A man would think," observed Ferring, "that Ducklow had some o' them bonds on his hands, and got scaret, he took such a sudden start. He has, hasn't he, Mrs. Ducklow?"
"Has what?" said Mrs. Ducklow, pretending ignorance.
"Some o' them cowpon bonds. I rather guess he's got some."
"You mean Gov'ment bonds? Ducklow got some? 'Tain't at all likely he'd spec'late in them without saying something to me about it. No, he couldn't have any without my knowing it, I'm sure."
How demure, how innocent she looked, plying her knitting-needle, and stopping to take up a stitch! How little at that moment she knew of Ducklow's trouble and its terrible cause!
Ducklow's first impulse was to drive on and endeavor at all hazards to snatch the bonds from the flames. His next was to return and alarm his neighbors and obtain their assistance. But a minute's delay might be fatal: so he drove on, screaming, "Fire! fire!" at the top of his voice.
But the old mare was a slow-footed animal; and Ducklow had no whip. He reached forward and struck her with the reins.
"Git up! git up!βFire! fire!" screamed Ducklow. "Oh, them bonds! them bonds! Why didn't I give the money to Reuben? Fire! fire! fire!"
By dint of screaming and slapping, he urged her from a trot into a gallop, which was scarcely an improvement[Pg 656] as to speed, and certainly not as to grace. It was like the gallop of an old cow. "Why don't ye go 'long?" he cried, despairingly.
Slap! slap! He knocked his own
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